rainbow walking

this morning. I swear to God I did. If you don’t believe me ask Him. It was just at daybreak and I was sitting on my front porch smoking a cig, drinking a cup of coffee and just lost in thought. I don’t even remember what I was thinking about. He just appeared out of the smoky gray mist of the early morning light like a shadow. At first I thought it was a shadow until He stepped into the soft radiance of the light shining through my living room window into full view.

As he walked up my steps onto the front porch and sat down on the plastic lawn chair across from me I just sat there flabbergasted, shocked and paralyzed with fear. I couldn’t even feel my heart beat. I remember He had what appeared to be a normal looking human body but I never could actually see His face. It was shrouded in some kind of dark cloud-like mist.

We sat there together what seemed like an eternity in silence me gaping in sheer dis-belief and Him, I felt like, staring a hole through my soul. But I began to experience some rational thought in some small remote corner of my mind and I remember thinking, “He exists!”

No sooner had I formulated this thought than these fantastic word images materialized in my mind to the effect, “But of course.” I heard no words but I did…know what I mean?

I hadn’t had time to wrap my mind sufficiently enough around this before He began to communicate to me further. What follows is the gist of what I guess you could call the revelation that I received.

God said, “Not that I’m here to provide you with any satisfaction in that knowledge, I could care less what you believe. But I’ve got a vested interest in seeing that you get the opportunity to communicate some things I feel it’s time to release and now is the time I’ve chosen to release it.”

“But first let’s deal with the nagging question as to the fate of your soul. You’re not going to like it but I’ve decreed it to be so you can just get over it. It doesn’t make any difference whether you believe Me, love Me, or resist Me. Either way you are toast. Got it? As to your physical body it will deteriorate until each and every chemical is distributed back into the earth as replenishment. As to your soul, I’m going to blow it up like an elongated party balloon and twist it into the image of a donkey’s ass and hang you on the Eastern gate for a few thousand years to bake in the brightness of My glory. Then you and I will take a trip down memory lane where I will introduce you to every single incident in your life when you could have made a difference but, because of your ignorance, cowardice, pride or just plain stubbornness, you didn’t. Then, after you’ve been sufficiently enlightened to your wasted life I’m going to take you up to an old boarded up mansion on a hill that had your name on it. A mansion filled with all the toys, gadgets and curiousities that ever caught your fancy; all the things that your heart ever desired. Don’t worry about the fate of that mansion as I intend to give it to one of your sons. Never mind which one. Then, just to ease the pain a bit, I’m going to take you down those golden streets to visit a few mansions populated with the families of people that you did, in some small way, play a role in their being here. Oh, don’t worry, none of them will remember you so there’s no glory to be had…but I thought it might cheer you up a bit. Then I’ll return you to your hitch on the Eastern gate, outside the city, to forever remain a laughing stock to all of humanity.”

“Now I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear but since you now know that I exist it will occur to you soon enough that there’s nothing you can do to change My mind. Because I have spoken your destiny is sealed. That’s not to say that I might not change my mind but don’t get your hopes up.”

“But this has nothing to do with why I’m here. I have decided it’s time to reveal the answers to some questions that have been plaguing humanity now since they found a viable use for fire. It is totally immaterial to me all the time you humans have wasted devising all these explanations for who I am and what I did or did not do. But I have decided to unravel the mystery of the origins of both this universe and life.”

“Like you, I like to eat. This universe is my dining room and I created it for just that purpose. My appetites differ considerably from yours and are essentially none of your concern but let’s just say they are much bigger than you could ever imagine. Does black holes ring familiar now? Also, like you, sometimes I indulge Myself to extremes and this has had, in times past, some rather curious effects on my being. To be blunt, about 14 or so billion earth years ago I developed a serious case of indigestion that lasted about 5 or 6 days culminating in this huge fart in which I dispelled this gaseous nebulous cloud. Suffice it to say some part of my being was also ejected into that cloud with the insidious result of this planet forming and becoming populated with humans. You were a pain in the ass then and you’re still a pain in the ass. For some strange reason you all feel isolated and separated from Me and keep expressing this longing desire to become one with Me again. Since you are essentially a part of Me literally you seem to have been endowed with the ability to communicate to me all your petty little problems. I can’t get any sleep. I can’t sit down and enjoy a meal in peace. I’m constantly hammered with a barrage of requests and complaints that, try as I may, I just can’t silence. And to make matters worse, your growing intelligence will soon enable you to expand from this planet and begin mucking up my dining room like a fungus. I simply can’t allow it.”

“ However I’m not into self inflicted wounds and since you are all literally a part of me I have discovered that I somehow feel your every pain. Eradication is out of the question
and so is shoving you back up my ass to facilitate your becoming one with Me again. Making your little solar system a side dish during one of my meals is also out of the question since I’m not into eating shit like this. But it gets even more interesting from My perspective because some 8 or so billion of your years ago I had indigestion again with the same result. Now there’s another solar system not far from here also populated with a growing number of my feces. Only, un-like you, they have dedicated the majority of their efforts to fulfilling their imagined destiny of dominating the universe. And they have matured a lot faster than you. Must have been the hydrogen rich atmosphere in my diet during that period. But, anyway, I just dropped in to let you know that your species is soon to get a visit and you aren’t going to like the guests. Frankly, I could care less whether you survive or not but either way, things are going to drastically change and I doubt seriously anyone here will have, if you’ll pardon the pun, the intestinal fortitude to withstand the onslaught that will soon follow their first visit.”

“Again, due to factors too complicated to get into, these people have no ability to communicate their sensual and emotional experiences to me such that eradication of them will not cause me the least bit of discomfort. However, if I allow them enough time and space it’s a good bet they’ll do a number on you and my problems will be over. If you survive it’s a given that you’ll be far more mature than you now are and I will get some rest. If you don’t I’ll endure the discomfort until the last of you are gone and then I’ll get some rest. Either way I’m in for some sleepless nights but eventually it will all work itself out.”

“I’m telling you all of this now because you are the least likely person to convince anyone of its truth value and the most likely to blab it exactly as I’ve communicated it, so when your species begins to pester Me for help against these aliens I can remind them that they were forewarned but refused to believe the report of My faithful witness. They should have and could have been better prepared. Because they are a hydrogenous saturated species your greatest weapon against them will be one comprised of an oxygen/nitrogen composition. Now, I’ve fulfilled my obligation to myself and will see what comes of this next great conflict.”

“One more thing before I leave. You keep harping on this accusation that I created you and your species. I did no such thing. At least, not intentionally as you imply. If you haven’t figured out yet what goes on when mommy and daddy close the bedroom door that’s not my problem. I’m not responsible for your existence and I don’t care if you believe in Me or not. You’re just a pain in the ass to Me and one that I frankly won’t miss. If your species really wants to know why they are here just tell them I said…shit happens.”

And there you have it folks. The final revelation. With those words spoken God just floated away into the clouds. I hate to be the one to bring a message like this, especially since I know the devastating effect it will have on both theist and atheist alike. I only hope this forum doesn’t shut down because I really enjoy the intellectual challenges found here. But I guess we’ll have to find something new to disagree on. Or maybe we should get cracking on a weapon capable of defending us from these hydrogen people? I’m open for suggestion…

Indifference

I can tell you've been developing that story for some time now.

<img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" /> <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" />

Friend of the Planet

Good for a few laughs, that story...

If God's really like that, he should meet a friend of mine, with about the same attitude. He even believes he's the Messiah. I think they'd get along very well together.

philechat

Wow! This is sick storytelling!

<img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" /> <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" /> <img src="graemlins/notworthy.gif" border="0" alt="[Not Worthy]" />

rainbow walking

What, you guys don't believe me? I guess God was right that I'm the least likely prophet to be believed. You're playing right into His hands, I tell you, right into His hands.

case

This is funny

tr1st4n

We're so screwed. Where am I going to get nitrogen at this time of night?

HelenM

Are you sure it was God?

After all, Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. - 2 Cor 11:14

I hate to be so skeptical but, I generally am a little cautious when people say "God said to me..."

love
Helen

rainbow walking

Originally posted by HelenSL:

Are you sure it was God?

rw: I told you if you didn't believe me you could ask him.

After all, Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. - 2 Cor 11:14

rw: Nope, no winking, blinking, glowing, shining, pulsating, flashing or otherwise extraordinary light show. Just plain God.

I hate to be so skeptical but, I generally am a little cautious when people say "God said to me..."

rw: Well, He did predict this would be the case.

love
Helen

rw: Luv ya back...rw

Daggah

Hi Helen, how are you? I haven't directed a post your way in quite some time; I hope this message finds you well. You may like this quote:

"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony.