Kuu

I am not sure if this belongs in this forum or not but heregoes.

On another board I talked about how I would have had an abortion if I had been pregnant when my husband left me. The reasons I gave for this were

a) The sex wasn't consensual. I didn't want it but I didn't refused as I knew if I did I would be bashed. In the last two years of marriage my ex-husband was very abusive.

b) My life would be at risked if I had another child. I had almost died after my third child. I had tubal ligation but I thought I was pregnant (and tubal ligation is not 100% effective)

c) I had three children, two of whom had handicaps.

Rather than say if it was moral for me to have an abortion or not most of the pro-lifers attacked me for staying with this man until he left me. I tried to explain, that though I was terrified of him, I was even more terrified of what he would do if I left him.

Some of them said it was my fault for marrying the wrong man. I should have been more careful.

One poster said that bashed women should stop trying to make out they are victims. That they choose to stay with the man.

Some said all I needed to do to get out of such a relationship would be to pick up the phone and have him charged.

So I would like to see what people's here reaction is to domestic violence. Is the abused as much to blame as the abuser?

lunachick

Kuu, do you have a link to the board you posted to?

I'll try to respond to your concerns later - I'm way too tired to address it at the moment. But I am rather appalled at those peoples reactions to you. I'll try to return with some studies about battered womens syndrome, and the cycle of domestic violence tomorrow. I'd also like to get my teeth into the original thread on the original board, if you care to link to it.

Regards,
Petra

Kuu

The board is www.trekbbs.com (yes a Star Trek board). The thread is in The Neutral Zone and I am not 100% sure if non-members can view the Neutral Zone and I think you need to have made 50 posts before you can post in TNZ.

The thread is (just in case non-members can see it)

http://www.trekbbs.com/threads/showf...=5&o=7&fpart=1

By the way this is far from the sanest board around but the people who have objected to me are not usually trolls.

My name is Miss Chicken on Trekbbs (I didn't use that name here as you already had some Chickens)

Kuu

I logged out and non-members cannot view the forum.

The first response I got was

another one said

Many posters have been supportive of me and have defended me. I just want to see what people here think (as you tend to be saner here than there )

Gurdur

NO.

kuu, basically you hit the nail on the head when you described you were trapped in your fear.

That's not a good thing, but it's certainly not something to criticise you for.

More later.

Celsus

((((Kuu))))

I remember you telling me about jerks/trolls on the trekbbs. Are these people raising objections the more "reasonable" ones? If you ask me, they are still jerks, or completely unable to comprehend household abuse situations. I'm really sorry to hear about what's happened to you. I've never been anywhere close to your situation, but if I can chip in a few thoughts:
The reason they're doing that is that the example you give can't be dealt with in their black-and-white moral system. Thus they shift the argument and consequently the blame. You don't deserve to have to put up with anymore shit than you already have.

If you were still in that situation, I'd advise you to find close real-life friends and family whom you can trust, and whom you can go to for a breather. In such emotionally traumatic situations, it's not easy to think things through rationally, which is why outside opinions are important. But not everyone has even that privilege.
Life choices don't benefit from hindsight. All I can see is yet another example of a moral system unable to work with the here-and-now, combined with the usual deflection and shifting of blame. A lot of men do change once they're married, as well, and it can be a scary process.
Absolute fucking hogwash. If things were that simple, we would not have household abuse. Again, your personal experience is correct - there are levels of emotional, psychological etc. manipulation, especially the threat of violence, that people ignore when saying things like that. That is not to say that the person should just accept it, but that it is incredibly difficult to fight, and a more sympathetic or supportive response is needed.
That is better advice, but difficult to carry out in practice. The thing in situations like this is the ability to make a clean break. I'm not sure how the legal system works in NZ, but most legislation must make provisions for a woman in an abusive relationship to distance herself from her partner (and IMO don't do very well at it). Economic dependence is another factor that works against this. And finally, proof is especially hard to ascertain in household abuse, and it can work both ways (i.e. a woman can make a false claim, or a man can use his external reputation to dismiss a woman's evidence). It's also a lengthy and tedious process, requiring a lot of courage and external support.

I wish you all the best in supporting your kids. It sounds like you've had more than your fair share of bad luck. Ask people who know your situation better for advice as well, and ultimately, the decision is yours.

Joel

Edit: Those people who posted the stuff you quoted are fucking twits. Moderators: If this can be served in SL&S, it would be much better (with Kuu's permission of course). We don't need another Radorth coming in and fucking around with people's emotional states, especially given how personal this topic is.

Kuu

I do not care if this thread is moved or not as I wasn't really certain what was the best forum to put it in.

As I said most people at Trekbbs are OK. I stay there because I have some very good friends there. However TNZ has minimal moderation as oppose to the other forums.

The abuse I suffered ended 18 years ago. My sons are all adults now. Despite all these years passing I still have problems with what I suffered all those years ago. I still do not know how to cope with aggressive men.

I tried to explain to the posters at Trekbbs why I stayed with my husband.

What I cannot easily explain is the numbness I felt. It was like I could only think about surviving the day. I wanted out but I had to survive today first. Tomorrow was too far away.

I never felt the abuse was my fault (unlike many battered wives do). I was not bought up in a home where there was an abusive man. My father is a kind, gentle man who never so much as slapped me though I must admit my mother was a hard woman who dished out the discipline in the family.

Infinity Lover

I'd say that in case of abuse the blame is fully on the abuser. The primarily objectable thing is not how you deal with that situation (which is being stuck between a rock and a hard place), but that you have to deal with such a situation.

southernhybrid

The people on the other board who made those comments are ignorant and insensitive. You're a very courageous woman, and I admire your strength. Too bad people don't educate themselves about battered women before they open their mouths and say stupid things.

livius drusus

I just love how easy it is for people to pontificate on testicular fortitude on an anonymous webboard.

The chickenshits should feel honored that someone with your depth of committment to her children and the courage to rebuild a life out of the wreckage was willing to share her story. They're just pissed because you stand as proof that you can't make blanket statements and play the hanging judge with people's lives without blundering over and over again.

You can tell them from me that you have more balls than all of them put together. Oh, and also Picard is clearly hotter than Kirk.