VonEvilstein

Koy, my hat comes off to you!

brighid

Soul Invictus,

I am not clear, but have you told her the full extent of your lack of belief? It is wrong to deceive her by sort of answering questions in a way you know won't shake things up to much, especially on this issue. She deserves you honesty. It will likely hurt and no doubt it may lead to an end you do not want to see, but it is necessary for your future happiness (and hers) even if the immediate future will be painful.

You both must accept eachother for who each of you are, truly and completely. It should be a "take it or leave it" situation. Marriage should be a lifetime committment, but having children IS and they deserve to be raised in a loving, stable home and not between two parents who fundamentally disagree about something so important.

As a mother I have a certain protective instinct (if you will) when it comes to my child. I think most mothers (and fathers) have this. If she believes her child's mortal soul is in danger this WILL trump any love she has for you. Her God will always supersede you, but once the children come this will be even more apparent.

The only compromise I can see that would likely work is both of you attended and raised the children in a Unitarian Universalist Church. Here your children would be exposed to all the world's major (and some minor) religions without undue emphasis placed on Christianity, but it is also a place most atheists/agnostics feel comfortable attending because you are accepted. This would be a compromise on both your parts, but one that didn't disrespect eithers belief/lack of belief system.

I could not be happy, and eventually I would begin to resent my husband, if I could not be myself ... if I had to hide or ignore a part of my essential being (and my lack of belief is integral) and I would be devastated if he indoctrinated OUR children into a belief system I strongly disagree with (even if I find components of that system to be congruent with my own moral codex.), one that essential taught that I would eternally damned while insisting I kept my thoughts secret. We are talking about a lifetime here and love is NOT enough, no matter what the fairytales and romances tell you. Love is important, but love alone cannot hold a shakey foundation together. If she loves you she couldn't disrespect you in such a way as to teach her children that you are eternally damned.

I can't even imagine such a thing and I could not, under any circumstances worship a God that would damn my beloved husband (and possibly my children) to hell for NOTHING more then a lack of belief. Especially because my husband is a good man, generous, kind, thoughtful, respectful, hardworking, charitable .... I would rather burn in hell (if we have souls) then spend an eternity in heaven without him (or my children.)

You have to tell her as soon as finals are over. You can't get around it unless you want to set yourself up for failure. Honesty is the only thing that will help the situation meet an honest end (or continuance.) If you love her, be COMPLETELY honest with her even if that means losing her.

Brighid

HelenM

Just a comment...I can envisage a liberal Christian perhaps being willing to switch to a UU Church.

I don't think that a relatively conservative Christian would find that an acceptable compromise (barring a change in their own belief). To them a UU church is no more Christian than a Buddhist or Wiccan meeting (for example). They'd probably rather quit church altogether than attend a UU church.

As for respect, I've heard derogatory comments made by UU members about 'fundies' so I'm not convinced that a conservative Christian would feel the UU church respected their belief system, even if the spouse who wanted to go there did.

Anyway, I'm not trying to be confrontational but simply to share what I know through experience.

Helen

Barcode

Soul Invictus:

I guess I can only echo what the other participants have said. I'm not even sure why you should compromise on your beliefs. To me, a compromise is agreeing to be respectful of the others viewpoint and not pass comment on the things they do, no matter how crazy you think they are.

I don't know what Christian household means. To me, it's taking the kids to Church, Sunday school, praying, reading religious material, saying grace and adhering to the precepts laid down by the Church. Can you honestly do those things and not have resentment build?

I have a girlfriend who takes her Catholicism very seriously, and unfortunately, I've only discovered the extent of it recently as I'm spending two months here. I'm telling you, there are religious books everywhere, her insistence on going to Mass every Sunday and on " holy days ", prayer nights on Fridays, Sunday discussion talking about having God in the center of their lives ...

She's compromised the groups whilst I'm here, but I forsee things getting worse. So maybe it's not even the *belief* per se, but the actions that arise as a result.

At the moment, the gf and I have sort of reached crisis point and she decided to read my things to see where I'm coming from only to discover questions she says she hadn't thought of before and is now in the middle of a crisis because she can't explain some things how she would like.

It'd be nice if religion was a small thing which could be overlooked, but my girlfriends faith is probably as central to her identity as my atheism is ... and how I view the world. Same thing for most I imagine ...

Are you willing to nullify part of your identity to make someone happy? In the long term, this leads to more problems .... but heck, I'm feeling a little burned by this subject now ... Brighid said it all really ....