HelenM

That's definitely a good thing - I'm glad to hear it!

Helen

southernhybrid

What Helen said too. Maybe doing more family things together will help get the two of you back in sync.

Proxima Centauri

I didn't respond to this before because the Americans understand these crazy fundies better than I do. I don't think its a coincidence that this happened directly after you threatened to separate the bank accounts and alter other spending arrangements. I can think of two possible reasons for this.

• 1. Your wife told her friend that her damnable atheist husband was threatening to cut off her money. Her friend gave her the web links.
• 2 Your wife told you about the web links because she wanted to frighten you and make you reluctant to separate the bank accounts in the future.

Both you and your wife need to get your spending under control. Neither of you should carry a disproportionate share of the burden of reduced spending.
B.Shack, (Economics Graduate) I got my degree long ago and don't necesarily understand modern economics.

Vicar Philip

We finally got a taste of the UU church. I misread the damn website, so we missed the actual service, but we did stay for an adult discussion group which met at 10.

It was so refreshing for me to talk to other people about serious subjects, in this case the Iraq situation, without the standard "god's plan" or "let's just pray more" crap. My wife and I both took an active part in the discussion.

On the way home, we got into it a little bit. She asked me if I liked it, and I said yes. I asked her and she said she'd keep her comments to herself. I insisted, so she told me the first part of the discussion was ok, but in the second part, the group was trying to come to an agreement about what topics to cover at the next meeting.

It all seemed too politically correct to her, and therefore a "pain in the ass." I incorrectly jumped to conclusions and said we didn't have to go back. "Oh no," she said, "I'm not getting blamed for not going back! You asked for my opinion and I told you! I didn't say I wouldn't go back!" She was right, she hadn't said that. Later at home I apologized and told her I just made some assumptions. So I think we're going back.

It is a VERY liberal church, and I knew that going in. We've always been conservative Republicans. She professes to be against racism and other oppresive concerns of society, so if nothing else this church will challenge a lot of her pre-conceived notions. She claims she is only going for me, and I told her that's not a good enough reason to go. She has to want to go too, but maybe that's asking too much just yet. I'm hoping if we continue to go she'll develop some bonds with some of the people there and discover she likes going because of HER and not just ME.

captainpabst

Cool. Everytime I go, I feel good when I leave. Hopefully it can become a positive and unifying endeavor for you and your family.

Yeah, she might have to ease into it, but hopefully she'll find enough appealing aspects to want to keep going.

I used to be a conservative Republican, but the older I get the more liberal I become, it seems. I actually prefer the term 'progressive', and would label myself, politcally, as 'independant.'

It would be great if your wife could find the support she needs at the UU. As always I hope for the best!

HelenM

I know what you mean but, I disagree - I'd say in fact, it is a good enough reason to go; it shows she loves you and I hope you thanked her for it.

The only thing you need to ensure is that she recognizes her going as her choice. You can emphasize this by your words - by saying "Thanks for choosing to come with me even though you weren't sure you'd enjoy it - and evidently you were right to have some doubts - although I hope you might enjoy it more as you get to know people there and the way they discuss things."

I'd say you're right to emphasize "Only do this if YOU want to do it" with regard to anything you don't care whether she does or not.

But if it's true that you want her to go, then I hope she gets 'relationship credit' (as it were) from you, simply for going. Whether she enjoys it is something she only has partial control over. She can't control who else goes or whether they are people whose company and discussions she enjoys. So I hope you don't make her feel that her going is only partially successful unless she enjoys it. That will only encourage her away from honesty with you. Evidently she was already reluctant to tell you how she felt about it. I think it would be great if she felt completely comfortable to say "I hated it but - hey - I chose to go because I knew you wanted me to go and I'm glad I made that choice, to please you!" and then if you in turn thanked her for going and made it clear you weren't going to give her more 'credit' for enjoying it or 'less' for not. (If anything I'd say spouses who do things they don't enjoy, for their partners sakes, deserve more credit)

I hope that makes some sort of sense and I hope she does come to enjoy it because then the two of you will have more fun there together. I'm glad you went together because it seems that each time you do something together (provided you don't get into a fight) it strengthens your relationship.

take care
Helen

southernhybrid

I think you should be satisfied that your wife says she's going to the UU church for you. It shows that she's making an attempt to keep harmony in your relationship.

My husband and I frequently attend functions/activities for each other. It's called compromise. I think you should praise her for supporting you by attending the UU church and not question her motives.

beth

I'm glad to see things are going a little better. I agree with Helen and Southernhybrid. Your wife does deserve credit for going, even if it's solely to please you.

admice

I recommend going to a SERVICE. I attend the UU here sometimes. The services are very different from discussion groups. In fact we have a Humanist group within the UU that has a discussion group. If you accidentally went to that you were probably surrounded by atheists, which I doubt your wife would appreciate. Get a schedule (ususally their newsletter, but they may have a website. Here's the national one www.uua.org) that should list all their activities. Then you can be careful to pick one that fits.

If you do get involved, either PM me or post here. There's some stuff going on within the organization you should know about.

tc

Proxima Centauri

Vicar Philip, I'm glad things are now better for you. Earlier I suggested that you contact discussion forums specializing in helping people with difficulties in their marriages.
If you have done this please keep in touch with us as well.
The majority of Americans are Christians. If you are getting advice from web sites/forums where there are many Christians they may have their own agenda. For example they may want to make sure, "that at least the children stay with God". We hope that your children will have a chance to decide for themselves on religion.
If you are getting help from any other source and you are at all unsure of that advice please come back here and discuss things with us.