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Freethought & Rationalism ArchiveThe archives are read only. |
08-14-2003, 01:29 PM
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#1 |
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New Member
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: London, UK
Posts: 4
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Jesus vs Superman
Indulge me, for a moment, in this almost-entirely-pointless piece of theoretical fluff.
The Son of God and the Last Son of Krypton are called upon (for whatever contrived reason you can think of) to fight a knockdown dragout brawl. Who would win? |
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08-14-2003, 01:34 PM
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#2 |
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Junior Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
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Ponce De Leon comes in and kicks both their asses, fountain of youth style! |
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08-14-2003, 01:36 PM
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#3 |
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Regular Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Allentown, PA
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Easy one.
Superman wins becuase Jesus is nailed to a cross, and is unable to summon his underwater friends to help him. lhiuvme |
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08-14-2003, 02:05 PM
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#4 |
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Contributor
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Location: Deep in the heart of mother-lovin' Texas
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Superman gets a few solid punches in to wimpy Jesus' jaw. The reed whip Jesus tries to use on Superman is useless. Jesus then turns some water into Kryptonite, using it to weaken Superman. Jesus casts a demon into Superman, who then runs over a cliff.
Superman, injured by the fall, recomposes himself and manages to fly away. He circles the earth faster and faster, turning back time until the night before the Holy Spirit "came upon" Mary. Using his superhuman powers, Superman convinces Mary he's the promised Holy Spirit, and they get it on. Mary, turned on by those impressive pecs and the "man of steel", thoroughly enjoys the experience. Faster than a speeding bullet, he impregnates Mary. The Holy Spirit's attempt, then, doesn't take. So, as it turns out, Jesus is Superman's son! He grows up to seriously kick some Roman ass, and is accepted by the Jews as their promised Messiah King. |
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08-14-2003, 02:16 PM
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#5 |
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Regular Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Durham, UK / Frankfurt, Germany
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:notworthy :notworthy :notworthy
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08-14-2003, 08:12 PM
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#6 |
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Regular Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Australia
Posts: 372
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One's stuck on a cross, the other is stuck in a wheelchair.
I can't see it being much of a fight. -Gambit |
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08-15-2003, 09:33 AM
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#7 | |
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Veteran Member
Join Date: Mar 2001
Posts: 1,238
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Quote:
Good one. 
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08-15-2003, 11:31 AM
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#8 |
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Contributor
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: MT
Posts: 10,656
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CRIPPLE FIGHT!!
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08-15-2003, 05:55 PM
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#9 |
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Veteran Member
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Heaven
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Batman first beats the holy piss out of Jesus. He then takes his place in the fight. As Superman tries to reason with him (being a boyscout and all), Batman pulls out his red kryptonite, leaving Superman writhing in over-powered agony. Batman then straps on his kryptonite ring and kryptonite-toed boots and beats superman to hell.
Fight: Batman. |
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08-18-2003, 03:20 AM
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#10 |
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Regular Member
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Sydney
Posts: 329
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What the hell powers did Jesus have anyway? Mighty loaves-and-fishes-attack! Super-plant-wither! Sure He can resurrect, but that takes Him three days and in the meantime, Superman's stolen all His stuff, had his way with all Jesus' bits on the side and probably chucked Him in the Sea of Gallilee with some concrete slippers. Or just buried Him under a crossroads with lots of garlic and a stake through His heart or something.
Even if Jesus had a whole bunch of kryptonite, that's still totally cancelled out by the fact that Superman has access to the world's deadliest fighting tools: Hostess Fruit Pies. Checkmate, Jesus. Checkmate. |
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