eldar1011

I have that problem solved! I'll simply spoil her rotten with *every* birthday. She'll have better gifts and more cash than any of her cousins, even if I have to go to debtor's prison.

Her mom is not too keen on this solution, however.

eldar1011

Thanks to all of you for the input and kind words. I'm well and truly smitten by my daughter.


After reading all the responses, I realized that I didn't adequately explain my problem. My problem is fear.

I'm afraid that if my daughter becomes an atheist, her maternal family will resent me.

I'm afraid that if my daughter becomes a theist, I will feel inadequate.

I'm afraid that if my daughter becomes a fundy, I will be devastated.

brighid - You are absolutely right, I don't think I'll ever lose the sense of wonder I feel everytime I think of my daughter.

Rhea - I'm very worried that I would be very intolerant if my daughter does not choose atheism. I would feel as though I failed her by not providing the necessary skills for critical thinking.

scarmig - I actually do agree with you, but I'm afraid to let her "lead". Aside from her cultural inheritance from her mother, I'm especially concerned about her current environment. NoVa can be very heavily Southern Baptist. Well, if she does choose that route, at least I know I'll have sympathy from her mother's side of the family.

Shadowy Man - The problem I have with separating the cultural from the religious aspects of being Jewish is that I'm a very "black & white" person. I have difficulties reconciling the cultural ritual with the religious significance. I'm so relieved that we had a daughter. If we had a son, the subject of ritual circumcision would've come up. Setting aside the fact that I just don't agree with the practice. I couldn't allow a bris because it represents a covenant with God to raise my son as Jewish. I *know* that I won't be doing that and don't want to be hypocritical. My wife is willing to allow a bris simply for cultural reasons, and I have difficulties with that.

Enai - I should discuss this with my and I have. But, the inertia behind her cultural heritage combined with her apathy towards religion is a difficult thing to overcome.

Clarice - I wish I had your courage. I'm especially worried about teaching my daughter that religions are simply myths because of the ostracism she might face amongst her peers. If she's anything like me, she'll be outspoken about her beliefs. I can handle the consequence, as I'm an adult. But, it would be very tough for her as a school-age child.

Jolimont - I'm afraid to leave things to chance. I'm afraid that she'll become a fundy. This fear is almost enough to make me want to FORCE atheism upon her. I know this is wrong, but I'm so enamored of atheism. I truly believe it is what's right. And it would pain me greatly if my daughter did not agree.

vagrant - I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out, my friend.

Shadowy Man

I was circumcised. I was raised Jewish. I went to Hebrew school. I had a Bar Mitzvah. I am an atheist.

I don't know how religious your wife and her family are, but raising your child in a Jewish household isn't condemning her to a theistic lifestyle forever. The fact that you say your wife is agnostic is a good thing. From my experience, Judaism is a lot different from Chrisitianity in its regards to morality, education, questioning, faith, etc. You could do worse.

Just make sure that you educate your child. It's one of the commandments, actually. Education is the surest way to counter ignorance, and helping your child do that is the best thing you can do as a parent.

As per your comment to Clarice: your child may be ostracised just for being Jewish - different than the bulk of her classmates - let alone for being an atheist. She will know she is different no matter what.

brighid

Eldar1011,

I don't think exposing her to her Jewish heritage will cause any irreparable harm. I thinking keeping her from it would be worse then allowing her to experience a vital part of her heritage. In some ways I think ethnically and culturally mixed families have a great opportunity to expose their children to the values of different cultures (that often clash in real life.)

Teach her critical thinking skills, allow her to learn about the worlds religions and mythologies in an objective, creative and well-informed way (there are many good childrens books on these subject) and model the behavior you want her to have in the future.

She won't be able to escape religion, and to be forewarned with knowledge is to be armed. She may very well grow up to be a fundy, but if you talk with her and let her formulate her own conclusions it is rather unlikely.

Ah - the joys of parenting. Along with all the wonderment comes the worry of this not yet realized. It really never ends. A loving parent can't help but be concerned about his/her child's future. You demonstrate the depth of your love for her with your questions.

Keep up the good work and pinch those chubby cheeks of hers once or twice for me She is just soooooooooo adorable!! My goodness you and your wife make some beautiful babies

Brighid

Shadowy Man

And the best part is that you can tell her that Santa Claus is a myth!! She will giggle at the little Christian kids who believe some fat man flies through the sky then climbs down their chimney and delivers gifts.

This will be the first step towards her disbelieving the nonsense that Christians will tell her.

CX

She's adorable. We just had or second, a little girl, January 30th. Our son is 5 1/2. Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much. I had the same concerns when my son was born as my parents are very religious Xians (my father is an ordained Episcopal deacon). The fact is it simply doesn't come up much. After 5 1/2 years I have perhaps a handful of conversations about religion with my son mostly related to origins and other naturalistic phenomena. He's shown very little interest in any of it. On one occaision he said stuff about Jesus was "all made up", which conclusion he arrived at on his own since we've never really talked about Jesus. I imagine he overhears conversations my wife and I have. Incidentally, she started out as a sort of new age universalist agnostic type believer who has slowly deconverted over the years until now she simply describes herself as an atheist. I did have a conversation with my parents a few years ago about not evangelizing my children, and this past easter there was some small controversy about religious themed gifts, but ultimately my son is more interested in PS2 and Science and things than religion. As your in-laws are Jewish you probably won't have to worry about evangelizing since that's pretty much a Xian thing. Basically I'd say just teach your daughter to think and question and give her the tools she'll need to make rational conclusions. If she asks you about religious things just answer honestly. Most likely it won't come up all the much. I have a friend who was raised by atheist parents and his comment was that religion was one of those things other people did like stamp collecting.

Jolimont

I don't mean to pontificate or anything, but do you think you should let fear dictate how you raise your children? I think love of life and curiosity should lead you instead. Mark Twain said something like there's nothing like travel to cure bigotry and narrow-mindedness. As I see it, truer words have never been spoken! Exposure to the world and its diversity is what helps people make good decisions, not dogmatic pronouncements either for or against religion. I could be wrong, but that's my take on it.

eldar1011

Heh. Good point.

I think that my worries are magnified by sleep deprivation. I forget that I have no problems with lighting a menorah *and* having a Christmas tree. The tree is devoid of any Christian symbols. Our ornaments are primarily puppy dogs, superheroes and The Powerpuff Girls. As for the menorah, I like fire.

eldar1011

Again, thanks to one and all for the support.

I'm starting to realize that I might just be overly worried. I'm willing to blame that on first-time parenthood. In actuality, religion plays such a minor role in our lives. It consists primarily of family gatherings.

I've seen some evidence that a child causes some people to become more overtly religious. I suppose this response is motivated by a need to pass the religion through the generations.

However, in the end, no matter how many seders, bar/bat mitzvah and whatnot she'll attend, the primary teachers in her life will be her parents...us. As long as I take an active part in that role, she'll turn out just fine.

So, once again, thank you. Now, I have to go an pinch some baby cheeks for brighid....I just hope I can stop...eventually.

eldar1011

Thank you Jolimont for the advice. You're right, I should not let fear dictate my life. Though, if I am to be honest, it often has. And it probably always will.

However, your advice does show me how best to combat that fear. On some levels, I already knew this. After all, I believe that American public sentiment toward recent events between Iraq and the US are motivated, in part, by fear. I also believe that things would be better if understanding and awareness were utilized instead of reactionary fear...but that's something for the PD forum.