Puck

(from personal expierence)
Perhaps because as a young man, he ran. And forgot to stop running, and finish maturing. Even when he stayed in one place, he was still running. Running from himself. To find time for you, he had to first find time for himself, and that seemed far too painful to look at, so he just kept running.

My father has lived in the same house for over 35 years, and he's still running from the truth of life, the truth of himself. He's still emotionally a 15 year old, about the time he started running. All the blame for things in his life that have gone sour, are blamed on the people who loved him most. He beat them when they reflected who he was back on to him, even though they didn't mean to. He's in his mid 80's and no one will have anything to do with him, because he's still blamming everyone else for his miseries. Lashing out when someone tries to be of help.

And I subjected my daughter to the same kind of man for a father. Who died three years ago leaving her with the same feelings, even though she and I were there to hold his hand up to the gate of death. Rejection.

I've found peace by having pity on the poor wretched man, for the life he has wasted, for the love he's rejected because he fears it so much. Pity for another human being so lost. That was my only way to some kind of forgivness to the rejection I felt.

I'm sorry David. It really wasn't you personally.

Clarice

I'm sorry for your loss. It does make sense that you are grieving - you need to mourn the loss of the father you might have had. While he was alive, there was always a chance he would show you some love, and now you are dealing with the fact that that can never happen.

I think Puck has eloquently stated the issue. Unfortunately, it seems we are hard-wired to crave the love of our biological parents, probably because it was a vital element of survival. Your feelings are only human, and entirely understandable. Just try to remember that it was his problem, not yours, that kept him from being a real father to you.

brighid

I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you right now. All I can offer you is what I tell my son, whose biological father abandoned him after 4 years. My son has a clear memory of him, both good and bad. He is, at times angry and hurt because he does love his father but he is better off having had the experience of knowing for himself, the truth about his father. However, he also realizes that his dad (my husband) is a wonderful man, who loves him as his own and who my son equally loves.

My son has asked me how could his father leave him like that and if he loves him? I tell him that his father loves him the best way he can, but unfortunately that is not in the ways a dad should love his child. I tell my son that in certain ways his father is broken and is presently unable to love any other human being because of the inner turmoil he struggles with. I tell my son it is easier for his father to cope with life as he has chosen it by running away. Hopefully one day he will find the courage and strength to stop running, face the truth and attempt to make amends for the wrong he has done to you and to so many others. I also tell him that although it hurts, perhaps his leaving is (in a selfish sort of way) a very loving gesture because his influence has been so destructive and negative. Those destructive and negative influences, if experienced on a regular basis would only do more to hurt and harm our son and in many ways the best thing for our son�s future was for his biological father to simply leave. It is the lesser of the two evils.

I also tell my son that although his father hasn�t always been a very good man, that he should still find it in his heart to love him. After all there is SOME good in him because he was half responsible for creating such a beautiful, amazing child. I tell him to find the good in his father, even if it is only one or two things and hold onto those moments. I tell him to take what is good in his father and make that a part of himself, and to take the bad and discard it but remember those things only for learning from the mistakes his father made so he will never repeat them.

I have told my son that his father stepped aside and did the only loving thing he was capable of and that was allowing another man, far better then he to take his place and raise him with love, patience, understanding and respect that he is simply incapable of providing. In this respect he should try and feel gratitude toward his father. If he is not capable of feeling those things some day I have told him to perhaps feel sad for his father because he may never truly know the indescribable love a parent has for a child, that he has missed out on all the wonders of watching a child grow, and that unless his father chooses another path he will likely grow old and totally alone. This is a terrible, terrible waste of human potential.

No one can ever give you what you have been missing all these years, and that is truly knowing the man your father was or perhaps even the man your father could have been � if only things were different. It is natural for you to grieve this loss, but when you are ready try and put things in proper perspective. You are the man you are today for so many reasons. Your biological father gave you all that he was capable of giving, and although that seemingly miniscule amount causes you pain his absence hopefully allowed you to grow into a man far better because he wasn�t there to hurt you on a regular basis. Those of us who have fathers who stayed around and screwed us up sometimes wish they had left long ago.

Hopefully you can find a way to make peace with your father and the loss and regret he has left you with. Please know that above all, you are no way at fault for his absence in your life. He missed out on one of life�s most amazing journeys: parenting. Try and love him for what little he did give you, and maybe someday you can forgive him for all he failed in. Some people are so broken they are incapable of ever knowing, giving and receiving the love of another human being. How tragic. Hopefully you have not grown up with this crippling emotional disability, and if you haven�t maybe you can see the good in his absence.

I hope my words have helped, even just a bit. Your situation makes me cry because in many ways it foreshadows a future pain my own child might someday experience. That knowledge cuts me deeply, for both you and for my own child. I hope with time your wound heals.



Brighid

Anyone can be a father, but it takes a true man to be a dad. (borrowed from a source I cannot quote at this moment.)

Badfish

"The Cats in the Cradle"

My child arrived just the other day,
He came to the world in the usual way.
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay.
He learned to walk while I was away.
And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew,
He'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, dad.
You know I'm gonna be like you."

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man in the moon.
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when,
But we'll get together then.
You know we'll have a good time then."

My son turned ten just the other day.
He said, "Thanks for the ball, dad, come on let's play.
Can you teach me to throw?" I said, "Not today,
I got a lot to do." He said, "That's ok."
And he walked away, but his smile never dimmmed,
Said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah.
You know I'm gonna be like him."

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man in the moon.
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when,
But we'll get together then.
You know we'll have a good time then."

Well, he came from college just the other day,
So much like a man I just had to say,
"Son, I'm proud of you. Can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head, and he said with a smile,
"What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys.
See you later. Can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man in the moon.
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when,
But we'll get together then, dad.
You know we'll have a good time then."

I've long since retired and my son's moved away.
I called him up just the other day.
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind."
He said, "I'd love to, dad, if I could find the time.
You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kid's got the flu,
But it's sure nice talking to you, dad.
It's been sure nice talking to you."
And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me,
He'd grown up just like me.
My boy was just like me.

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man in the moon.
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when,
But we'll get together then, dad.
You know we'll have a good time then."



~Harry Chapin~


:cry:

Badfish

"Yesterday when I was young"

Yesterday when I was young
the taste of life was sweet as rain upon my tongue.
I teased at life as if it were a foolish g ame,
the way the evening breeze may tease a candle fl ame.
The thousand dreams I dreamed, the splendid things I planned
I always built alas on weak and shifting sand.
I lived by night and shunned the naked light of the day
and only now I see how the years ran away.

Yesterday when I was young
so many drinking songs were waiting to be sung,
so many wayward pleasures lay in store for me
and so much pain my dazzled eyes refused to see.
I ran so fast that time and youth at last ran out,
I never stopped to think what life was all about
and every conversation I can now recall
concerned itself with me and nothing else at all.

Yesterday the moon was blue
and every crazy day brought something new to do.
I used my magic age as if it were a wand
and never saw the waste and emptiness beyond.
The game of love I played with arrogance and pride
and every flame I lit too quickly quickly died.
The friedns I made all seemed somehow to drift away
and only I am left on stage to end the play.
There are so many songs in me that won't be sung,
I feel the bitter taste of tears upon my tongue.
The time has come for me to pay for yesterday when I was young.


~Roy Clark~

David M. Payne

Thanks for the support guys. We sure have a lot of horror stories here about bad parents.

GTX, every time I hear that song I would think about him.

David

Me and Me

Sorry to hear that man.

Badfish

Me too David.

"The Cats in the Cradle" almost makes me cry.

And Roy Clarks "Yesterday when I was young" is also a good one to think about. It gives me the chills.

Sometimes, it seems there just isn't enough time to do the things we really should be doing, and that is striving to spend time with our loved ones, because you can't go back.

Sometimes I feel like I'm running so fast, Yesterday I was 20 years old, and in the blink of an eye, now I am 35.

AspenMama

So sorry David.

Arvel Joffi

I'm sorry, David. My dad left when I was two and killed himself when I was five. I found out when I was thirteen. I have only two fleeting memories of him that may or may not be true.

As a child in my bedroom at night, to my darkened ceiling, I asked him how he could have left me a hundred times. No answers. Just life and a gradual abatement of pain.

Take care.