Anna Karenina

Maybe that is the price we have to pay for being feminists...?

LIfe is not easy, we always try to sort thing out the best we can.


I think this is one of the things that I find very hard to assimilate. Until now, the most precious thing to me is my freedom to do what I want, to sleep the number of hours I want, to travel, to hang around.

Being a parent is a big task. Thanks for sharing your experience with me.

dangin

Good plan.

Heck no, this is what I'm all about.

I love it. She is very good stock for me to mix with. She is large enough (5'8") to accomodate a child from me. My previous two are 9.8 and 9.1 so petite women beware. Also she is highly educated, creative, musically inclined, loving, intelligent, and funny. I'd marry her if she wasn't a lesbian, and I wasn't already married. Oh well, I'm always on the lookout for the next ex-mrs. dangin.

I told her that I would like to have custody if she died while the child is a minor, but other than that, I want to be who she wants me to be.

I sign away all my rights, but this means I also sign away all my responsibilities. My participation is completely at her discretion.


And finally, check the image, I have a very good baby making resume.

Pyrrho

Unless you don't mind totally losing custody of your child to the father, you would be well advised to be very concerned about the legal implications of what you are planning. I don't know much about British law, but in the U.S., he could later on decide to take you to court and take custody of the child (it would be decided by a court of law which one of you would have the child, or whether there would be joint custody, with you getting the child on weekdays, and the father getting the child on weekends, or some other such arrangement). Make sure you speak with a lawyer before you get pregnant.


He may change his mind in a couple of years, and take you to court for full custody. What he now says is irrelevant. Make sure you have a legally binding agreement such that he cannot take the child away from you. Otherwise, you are taking a risk of losing your child to him in a few years. Perhaps he will marry someone else in 5 years, and then he may decide that he and his new wife would be better parents for his child. Since you live in a bigoted, patriarchal society, it seems that he may very well have a good chance of taking your child away from you in such a situation.

And the only way to be reasonably sure that your agreement is really legally binding is by speaking with a lawyer. Yes, speaking with lawyers can be unpleasant and distasteful, but you must be willing to do many unpleasant and distasteful things if you are going to be a parent.


Now, regarding your original post...

I think all this talk of a child needing two parents is bunk. Many children have been raised by a single parent, and it can be fine. A father is unnecessary. One good parent is all a child needs.

But, anyone who wants children is crazy. (Not to mention the fact that the world is an unfit place for children.) But getting married would not make you any less crazy.

Treacle Worshipper

Anna,
As far as single parenting goes, you sound like you have your head screwed on right

As far as the law goes... I understand that under English law the father of a child has a legal obligation to support it until it reaches adulthood. This obligation can be enforced through the courts. The courts may or may not choose to take into account any private agreement between the two of you. Your wonderful gentleman may end up being made to pay you child maintenance. This is not about him choosing to support your child, it's about him being forced to support your child if he doesn't want to.

Please go and see a solicitor who specialises in family law before you get pregnant. I think it would be a good idea to take the prospective father with you (if he agrees to the idea, of course) and then you can have a legal contract drawn up to protect both of you.

You might think it's rather unfair that you're being told by lots of people to look into the legal side of things, but that's because you're responsible enough to plan this & you have the opportunity to do so, and to get the best you can for all concerned.

Good luck & best wishes for your chosen path,
TW

TomboyMom

No, IMNSHO it is not the least bit immoral for you to decide to have a child. In fact, what is much more immoral (much less moral?) is people, married or not, who have a child without making a conscious decision and plan to do so, sometimes without even really wanting a child. You want a child for perfectly normal and valid reasons, and you are making a choice and a plan to care for the child. Wanted children are a good thing.

On a practical level, which you did not ask about:
other posters have wisely suggested you consider the legal implications;
as well as carefully considering what role you want the donor/dad to have;
IMHO you need to be forewarned that you life will be damned hard. There's nothing wrong with being a single mother, but it is hard. Just a small example, what happens when you and your child are both sick at the same time? I recommend that you plan and arrange for as much support as you can get.
And good luck.

Rene,
queer infidel mother of 3

Anna Karenina

Thanks for the advise. I must admit that I haven't got any information about the legal responsability that he may have.

I am from another country, and I am planning to leave the UK months after the child is born. If I don't ask for any financial support (which is the case) then I don't see how the Law could force this gentleman to give it.

In any case, I think it would be a good idea to go together to visit a solicitor. I will suggest him to do this.

Oh, no. It is not unfair. It is not how I perceive these comments. I was talking about the pressure that society puts on a single woman that is just as capable as a married woman of raising a healthy child.

Thanks.

Anna Karenina

I am sure it will be hard. Fortunately, I have the means to prevent any inconvenience. I also have a mother and relatives who I am sure will help me with the child. My mother knows about my plans, in fact she has been pushing me to do it

My friends also support me.

Anna

Anna Karenina

Hello Pyrrho,

I think I know you.

Of course, I do mind.

Believe me, this is the first thing I will do if he says YES.

I cannot trust in his word, you are right.

No matter how much I want a child, I think that losing him/her in a legal battle would be like living in hell. I think I see Briqhid's point.

Anna

brighid

Anna,

That is awesome that you have such a good support system. If it weren't for my mother, friends and grandmother I know I would not have made it through. They were a great help and I am forever in their debt.

The law, if they find an interest to do so, can ... even if you live in a foreign country to force a father to legally support a child. If the child is born in the UK he/she has citizenship and the laws apply. If you move out of the country it is probably less likely that the state would puruse any actions to force him to pay.

I am glad you have decided to visit with a solicitor to advise you and your child's father the best course of action. I wish I had initially followed the advise of a good attorney, but I decided to be "nice" instead and thought everything would just be fine ... well, as you have probably already gathered it wasn't. I hope you can avoid some of the pitfalls I fell straight into.

I hope, if or when you have this chosen child you will post pictures for all of us to see so we may admire your fine work (and his too)

Best wishes,
Brighid

noli

From what you've written here, that doesn't sound like you. If you were truly desiring a child in order to merely satisfy your own needs, yes that is immoral. No one has the right to bring another being into this world to merely satisfy her own needs.

But I think, from what you wrote, that you have a desire to give love to a child and to nurture and raise one. That goes beyond satisfying your own needs because in the long run, if you wish to be a really good parent, you will be laying aside your own needs to satisfy your child's needs.

You seem like a generous and loving person.


(okay this is from what I learned teaching preschoolers of foster care/adopted families) ->

A lot depends on the dad's involvement. Your child will originally wish that his/her parents were in love and created him/her out of love. You can mitigate that to a great extent by the dad showing love and concern for the child. In lieu of that, your love and care for your child can compensate for dad's rejection of his involvment in his/her life and your child can grow up to be not only *typical* but excellent.

It will basicly depend on you, but you will have to either desensitize the child to any fatherly attachment (if dad chooses not to get involved) or find ways to overcome that failing in one of her/his parents to the extent that your child will not feel utterly rejected.

If you definitely feel this way, think about waiting a period of time (whatever you feel comfortable) before implementing this plan. Single parenting is a tough job which radically changes one's life.

Although I'll tell you, I wish I heard more married couples give it the forethought and care that you have expressed here.