Quasimofo

Hey kids, God loves you!

Today I'm going to tell you a story about God's journey out of Israel.

Once upon a time, for a very long time, God resided in Israel never venturing far from its borders. It was not until about 2000 years ago that God finally got bored and decided to discover new land and new people to preach his name to. People outside of Israel had never really heard of God and after the crucifixion of his son people who did not believe in him started going to Hell.

So, God selflessly took it upon himself to stop this from happening to his most favourite creations who he loved so very much. God gathered a band of invaders and began spreading his name through select parts of Europe and Asia. Then, God set his eyes on the sea. After realising nobody actually lived in the sea God decided he would instead travel across it to discover more land and those inhabiting.


Recognise this map? Of course you do silly it's of God's first journey across the Atlantic ocean!

God needed a vessel which could travel on water and hence invented the boat, and God saw that it was good. After 6 days the first boat was completed and then he slept for a whole day afterwards. He had been up for 144 hours straight working on his boat, give him a break! On August 3, 1492 God departed with his crew on their journey to discover new land and new souls to save.


A picture of God's divine creation.

When God and his men got to America they discovered tribes of SCARY savages. These savages actually had rituals where they would smear dung on their skin which darkened them, can you believe that! DUNG, ewww!

God had his men spread his word and the truth of his son Jesus to these savages, but they wouldn't listen, it's as if they had no sense of reason or logic, they refused to believe the TRUTH!

God got very angry (in a loving way) that these natives would not believe a bunch of invaders about his long dead son, they wanted proof...but what proof did they need this was the word of God himself! God got so angry that he cursed these natives with a terrible illness, their bodies became covered with purulent skin eruptions, God had created smallpox, and God saw that it was good. The casualties of this curse were sent to hell to think about what they had done.

God ordered his men to make settlement on this land so that they may spread his word. Realisng that he had not brought women on his voyage God created a single woman from the rib of one of his followers for his men to lay with and procreate. "Go forth and multiply", God said.

During the early settlement of America God felt that not enough people were being convinced of his existance so he sent his son Jesus down for a second coming and because of this all of Utah was saved! Just think if Jesus had a third coming! What with wide spread use of radio, TV and the internet imagine how many would believe and be saved! TOO MANY I bet considering the limited (144 000) spaces in heaven, those are reserved for true Christians like you and me, YAY!

Note: All words presented here were transcribed by Quasimofo but their true influence lies with God.

Julian

[MOD]
Not really BC&H material. I am sending this to GRD but I suspect that it might continue on to Humor.

Julian
Moderator BC&H
[/MOD]

JEST2ASK

Then, God set his eyes on the sea. After realising nobody actually lived in the sea God decided he would instead travel across it to discover more land and those inhabiting.

so he sent his son Jesus down for a second coming and because of this all of Utah was saved!

I thought it was funny :wave:

Alethias

I very much agree with the Humor Idea. I LoL'd

Sending it there.

SwordOfTruth,
GRD Moderator

mrzyphl

...and on the long journey across the sea God sang to pass the time:

ohhh, I's th' bye that built the boat
and I's th' bye that sails her
I's th' bye that catches the fish
and brings em 'ome to Liza

Stacey Melissa

:rolling:

The sad part is that this version of events is no more laughable than the version told in the Bible and believed by billions.

Quasimofo

Thank You .

Coragyps

Quasi, that's a fantastic mofo of a nickname. I'm jealous.

And the OP was funny.

mga

ummmm...why would he need a boat? didn't he walk on water? or better yet....why didn't he just fly there?

Quasimofo

ummmm...what's with the logic, man?

I'm going to assume you're joking (though if it is a joke, where is the punch line?) and retrain myself from a long winded retort because if you are joking I'd end up looking like an idiot. I will say one thing just in case you aren't: bringing the concepts of walking or flying into a story about an omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent being is just as illogical as the boat. The fact that this is the only error in logic you picked up (or at least commented on) is what makes me question whether it is a joke or not.

Honestly, is there any logic in God's actions? For those of you who might not have understood the point of this story: refer to the question I just asked and continue to do so until you do.