Freethought & Rationalism Archive

Noggin · 02-07-2006, 10:47 AM

I was discussing Free Will with an online friend the other day and we developed an exchange that careened into the insane rather quickly... enjoy:

...See, this is why Christians must believe in Free Will. They can't stand the idea of a fiendish god who has entered his world creation as an exhibit in some cosmotic science fair vying for 1st place.... Oh the charts and graphs...

God explaining his project to the judges: Ah, see this brand of human I just merely manipulated to be inferior to the rest... they have invented some really weird place they call Hell and they all think they are doomed to burn for eternity in this place if they make wrong or immoral choices. They cannot seem to grasp that poor choices create their own degree of self-correcting discomforts.

Judges: Fascinating!

God: Yes, fascinating. I never thought these would buy into such a bizarre and twisted theory. Oddly enough though, and truth be told, the Hell location was invented by this other group of humans I created... the upper echelon prototype "A" type personality. They just poofed it into existence and the inferior brand of humans bought it hook line and sinker!

Judges: Disturbing! How manipulative!

God: Yes, as we see on this pie chart only a few humans relative to the entire population are even capable of dismissing this hell concept.

Judges: And what is this pie section representative of... wait! What? 4% do not even believe in you? You created them!

God: **laughs** yeah, those are the ones that secretly win the prize. Those are the ones who really get it. I tried to make the human with a mind that would think through dogma and logically deduce their natural surroundings for pure reasons. They don't know it, but every single human has this capacity programmed into them. I wanted to see if they could become moral and decent on their own but they keep insisting on subrogating their ability to choose to a higher source.

I am disturbed that so many of them will only choose to live morally if there is a punishment waiting for them. That reduces them to rats in a maze. Kind of pitiful, actually.

See, when I designed this experiment, I was not interesting in seeing how well a human can obey authority. I am interested in the human who, for no other reason except a purely unadulterated desire to be a decent person, chooses to live morally and decently.

Judges: Does it confuse you that so few are willing to do that?

God: Hell yes! I never expected that. The majority of these humans are incapable of thinking for themselves!

Turns out that God ends up winning only second place because.... because.... his experiment goes horrifically and disastrously wrong when God sees his homo sapiens running amuk through the streets all chaotic and willy nilly waxing all literal and pharasaical. So God decides to send his son down into the experiment to reprogram a few things mano a mano, roll a few heads you see... set a few boundaries with the plebes you know, and the primates kill his son! Oh the horror!

**Scene change: God is running around his laboratory frantically trying to get his son out of the experiment... pulling levers... pushing buttons... wooshes of steam blowing out of pipes overhead... Bubbling test tubes over bunson burners on the adjacent counters... there sits god after realizing he cannot do anything else to salvage the situation... he is looking down into his bubble universe watching --a la Star Trek Spock-- and peering intently into his rectangular spectrometer with the blue light glowing into his face. He is standing but doubled over, his hind quarters impatiently switching from side to side**

(NOTE-- this part requires a Mormon view of god in that God and Jesus are two distinct beings)

God: Oh Shit.

God on his transister wrist watch radio: Son! This is God. Emergency, I repeat, EMERGENCY! Get the hell out of dodge you fool! The primates have gone wacko! I just looked at the future and you are doomed!

Jesus: Wha? But I just raised a guy from the dead! This is working perfectly! Soon all order will be restored! They have me in some court here on trial for stuff and I am about to show them the REAL magic tricks...

God: NOOOOO You IDIOT!! If they take your robe off your magic god powers are useless! I won't be able to pull you out! THE GPS TRANSISTOR LOCATOR DEVICE IS IN THE ROBE!!! TELL ME YOU STILL HAVE THE ROBE ON!!
God: Jesus? ......... Jesus? God to Jesus???? JESUS!!!

**crackly static**

God: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

God: Hey.... I can totally use this. I will make them feel like shit for doing this. They'll see.

(Later)

Finally... the killing ends and jesus is laid into the tomb. Grieving Mary puts her lover's robe at the feet of the corpse. God locates the GPS transistor radio locator device and as luck would have it, is able to put a tractor beam on it. Only, since the robe is not actually on the body the intergalactic transportation is more clumsy and awkward. The body floats around the room and the transporter beam is weakened due to the proximity of the device relative to the body. The body can't make it through the walls so the scene changes to Star Trek's Scotty desperately heaving all the levers back and forth on the computer board in God's locale...

God: Scotty... keep trying... SULU! We NEED MORE POWER!
Sulu: I'm giving her all she's got God!

God: Not good enough! Find more power!

Scotty: I am tapping into the defense reserves, God... BUT I AM WARNING YOU THIS LEAVES US WIDE OPEN WITH OUR SHIELDS DOWN

**Scotty diverts the rest of the power to the transporter device, an excruciatingly loud humming ensues... God, Sulu and Scotty cover their ears. **

God: Scotty! You IDIOT!! You took your hands off the levers to cover your ears!

Scotty: **groveling**: EEK! Sorry Boss!

**Meanwhile scene change back to earth with the body of Jesus pitching and lurching rather awkwardly to and fro mid air inside the tomb as Scotty tries to get the body back (of course, unaware of the brutality he is inflicting upon the corpse). With the extra surge in power, the body crumples lamely like a rag doll against the stone door with such force that the stone rolls away knocking the guards down. At this point the apostles are running up the path to see where the body is**

Peter **Observing the floating and now mangled corpse of Jesus** : Jeeezus... I mean, Wow that's messed up!

James: Yeah, his corpse is like... floating away up into space or something

John: Eeeeeww his tongue is sticking waaaay out! Woah! Nobody is going to believe us. Hey! He... HE just POOFED out of sight! Where'd he go?

Peter: Oh Shit... Oh Shit Shit Shit SHIT!!! **looks wild eyed at the others** We better make something up quick!! Otherwise when the guards come to, they will send us away to prison for necrophelia or something!

**scene change to the platform back at God's pad. The corpse of Jesus belches forth clumsily into a disheveled heap onto the transporter platform**

God **Frantically and with a fevered look in his eyes**: Bones! BONES!! do something!

Bones **a little sauced from dinner drinks, has very slurred speech**: Gawdddammit GAWD! I am a... ehhh... *hic ehh... doctor, not a ... ehhh.. magician! *hic.

God: Well, what good are you then??

Bones **rolls eyes flippantly**: Jeezusss Gawd... jusssst snap yerrr ....ehhh.. fingers er somethin'

God: Riiiiiiiiiiight. You Numb Skull! Those powers don't work reliably!

**bones passes out, God is left to himself... He glances shiftily at Scotty**

Scotty: Hey boss, don't look at me!

That's all Folks!

Noggin

Toto · 02-07-2006, 11:49 AM

He he. Not exactly standard Biblical Criticism, but maybe about as reliable as some things that are considered standard.

We'll consider a move to Humor or GRD, depending on the reaction this gets.

02-07-2006, 10:47 AM	#1
Noggin Regular Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Monterey, CA Posts: 161	A warped view of God and his Science Experiment called EARTH I was discussing Free Will with an online friend the other day and we developed an exchange that careened into the insane rather quickly... enjoy: ...See, this is why Christians must believe in Free Will. They can't stand the idea of a fiendish god who has entered his world creation as an exhibit in some cosmotic science fair vying for 1st place.... Oh the charts and graphs... God explaining his project to the judges: Ah, see this brand of human I just merely manipulated to be inferior to the rest... they have invented some really weird place they call Hell and they all think they are doomed to burn for eternity in this place if they make wrong or immoral choices. They cannot seem to grasp that poor choices create their own degree of self-correcting discomforts. Judges: Fascinating! God: Yes, fascinating. I never thought these would buy into such a bizarre and twisted theory. Oddly enough though, and truth be told, the Hell location was invented by this other group of humans I created... the upper echelon prototype "A" type personality. They just poofed it into existence and the inferior brand of humans bought it hook line and sinker! Judges: Disturbing! How manipulative! God: Yes, as we see on this pie chart only a few humans relative to the entire population are even capable of dismissing this hell concept. Judges: And what is this pie section representative of... wait! What? 4% do not even believe in you? You created them! God: laughs yeah, those are the ones that secretly win the prize. Those are the ones who really get it. I tried to make the human with a mind that would think through dogma and logically deduce their natural surroundings for pure reasons. They don't know it, but every single human has this capacity programmed into them. I wanted to see if they could become moral and decent on their own but they keep insisting on subrogating their ability to choose to a higher source. I am disturbed that so many of them will only choose to live morally if there is a punishment waiting for them. That reduces them to rats in a maze. Kind of pitiful, actually. See, when I designed this experiment, I was not interesting in seeing how well a human can obey authority. I am interested in the human who, for no other reason except a purely unadulterated desire to be a decent person, chooses to live morally and decently. Judges: Does it confuse you that so few are willing to do that? God: Hell yes! I never expected that. The majority of these humans are incapable of thinking for themselves! Turns out that God ends up winning only second place because.... because.... his experiment goes horrifically and disastrously wrong when God sees his homo sapiens running amuk through the streets all chaotic and willy nilly waxing all literal and pharasaical. So God decides to send his son down into the experiment to reprogram a few things mano a mano, roll a few heads you see... set a few boundaries with the plebes you know, and the primates kill his son! Oh the horror! Scene change: God is running around his laboratory frantically trying to get his son out of the experiment... pulling levers... pushing buttons... wooshes of steam blowing out of pipes overhead... Bubbling test tubes over bunson burners on the adjacent counters... there sits god after realizing he cannot do anything else to salvage the situation... he is looking down into his bubble universe watching --a la Star Trek Spock-- and peering intently into his rectangular spectrometer with the blue light glowing into his face. He is standing but doubled over, his hind quarters impatiently switching from side to side (NOTE-- this part requires a Mormon view of god in that God and Jesus are two distinct beings) God: Oh Shit. God on his transister wrist watch radio: Son! This is God. Emergency, I repeat, EMERGENCY! Get the hell out of dodge you fool! The primates have gone wacko! I just looked at the future and you are doomed! Jesus: Wha? But I just raised a guy from the dead! This is working perfectly! Soon all order will be restored! They have me in some court here on trial for stuff and I am about to show them the REAL magic tricks... God: NOOOOO You IDIOT!! If they take your robe off your magic god powers are useless! I won't be able to pull you out! THE GPS TRANSISTOR LOCATOR DEVICE IS IN THE ROBE!!! TELL ME YOU STILL HAVE THE ROBE ON!! God: Jesus? ......... Jesus? God to Jesus???? JESUS!!! crackly static God: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO God: Hey.... I can totally use this. I will make them feel like shit for doing this. They'll see. (Later) Finally... the killing ends and jesus is laid into the tomb. Grieving Mary puts her lover's robe at the feet of the corpse. God locates the GPS transistor radio locator device and as luck would have it, is able to put a tractor beam on it. Only, since the robe is not actually on the body the intergalactic transportation is more clumsy and awkward. The body floats around the room and the transporter beam is weakened due to the proximity of the device relative to the body. The body can't make it through the walls so the scene changes to Star Trek's Scotty desperately heaving all the levers back and forth on the computer board in God's locale... God: Scotty... keep trying... SULU! We NEED MORE POWER! Sulu: I'm giving her all she's got God! God: Not good enough! Find more power! Scotty: I am tapping into the defense reserves, God... BUT I AM WARNING YOU THIS LEAVES US WIDE OPEN WITH OUR SHIELDS DOWN Scotty diverts the rest of the power to the transporter device, an excruciatingly loud humming ensues... God, Sulu and Scotty cover their ears. God: Scotty! You IDIOT!! You took your hands off the levers to cover your ears! Scotty: groveling: EEK! Sorry Boss! Meanwhile scene change back to earth with the body of Jesus pitching and lurching rather awkwardly to and fro mid air inside the tomb as Scotty tries to get the body back (of course, unaware of the brutality he is inflicting upon the corpse). With the extra surge in power, the body crumples lamely like a rag doll against the stone door with such force that the stone rolls away knocking the guards down. At this point the apostles are running up the path to see where the body is Peter Observing the floating and now mangled corpse of Jesus* :* Jeeezus... I mean, Wow that's messed up! James: Yeah, his corpse is like... floating away up into space or something John: Eeeeeww his tongue is sticking waaaay out! Woah! Nobody is going to believe us. Hey! He... HE just POOFED out of sight! Where'd he go? Peter: Oh Shit... Oh Shit Shit Shit SHIT!!! looks wild eyed at the others We better make something up quick!! Otherwise when the guards come to, they will send us away to prison for necrophelia or something! scene change to the platform back at God's pad. The corpse of Jesus belches forth clumsily into a disheveled heap onto the transporter platform God Frantically and with a fevered look in his eyes: Bones! BONES!! do something! Bones a little sauced from dinner drinks, has very slurred speech: Gawdddammit GAWD! I am a... ehhh... hic ehh... doctor, not a ... ehhh.. magician! hic. God: Well, what good are you then?? Bones rolls eyes flippantly: Jeezusss Gawd... jusssst snap yerrr ....ehhh.. fingers er somethin' God: Riiiiiiiiiiight. You Numb Skull! Those powers don't work reliably! bones passes out, God is left to himself... He glances shiftily at Scotty Scotty: Hey boss, don't look at me! That's all Folks! Noggin

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02-07-2006, 11:49 AM	#2
Toto Contributor Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Los Angeles area Posts: 40,549	He he. Not exactly standard Biblical Criticism, but maybe about as reliable as some things that are considered standard. We'll consider a move to Humor or GRD, depending on the reaction this gets.

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