I offer the following as true scripture on the basis that it came to me in a dream and has been written thousands of years after the event. I accept that knowing who the author is may detract from it's credentials. I propose the title of the finished manuscript should be ‘The Greatest Tall Story Ever Told’

Genesis Act 6 Scene 1 : God enters stage left looking worried.

And it repented the Lord that he had made man, and he said " I will destroy man off the face of the earth, both man and beasts and creepy crawlies (I don't know what I was thinking making those)" (oh that's three things) "I mean 'including' man and beasts and those horrible slimey creeping things. Because I.... wait a minute. I don't have to justify myself to YOU. I'm GOD. I can do what I want. Oh all right I repent of them. There I've said it. Happy now?"

(At this point in the story God appears to be talking to himself. This is never a good sign. Anyone with access to a nuclear bunker is advised to make their way there now and keep a very low profile until further notice - ED)

But Fred found grace in the sight of the Lord. And the Lord spake to him and said.

GOD: - Fred!
FRED: - Yes God?
G: - I want you to build me an ark.
F: - Ha Ha Ha Ha
G: - Why are you laughing?
F: - Oh sorry. It's just the mental picture of you sitting in one of those portable chair things. It's quite funny.
G: - Not that kind of ark you idiot, that comes much later. Look, do you know what a boat is?
F: - I am a nomadic goatherd your magnificence. How would I know what a boat was?
G: - Stop being facetious, I can tell from your answer that you do. Now listen carefully, I want you to build me an ark, like a boat, not a chair, and with no bricks in the bottom.
F: - Right
G: - It needs to be 300 by 50 by 30 cubits, in three storeys, with a door in the side covering the three levels. And you should include a window overhead so that you can't actually see out of it.
F: - That's a big boat. Are you planning a cruise?
G: - It's not for me you fool. It's for you.
F: - Why would I need a boat? I live in a field full of rubble.
G: - I am going to make it rain.
F: - Oh good.
G: - What?
F: - Well we could do with a bit. The grass round here is non-existent.
G: - No you don't understand, I am going to send so much rain that the highest mountain will be covered by 15 cubits.
F: - WOW! I didn't know there was that much rain in the sky. We never even see a cloud round these parts.
G: - There isn't actually but you needn't worry yourself about that. I intend to borrow a large amount temporarily from the Red Sea, from some time in the future.
F: - WOW! Can you do that? Wont they miss this water in the future?
G: - I'm God aren't I? Lets just say I've got it covered. I can't wait to see their faces when I unblock the fountains of the deep, and melt the polar ice caps for good measure.
F: - There are fountains in the deep?
G: - There sure are. Remember, you heard it here first.
F: - I always thought it was magma down there.
G: - Oh a smart-arse are we. Look, don't get sidetracked. I'll supply the rain, you just worry about building the ark.
F: - Can I ask a question?
G: - What?
F: - Why exactly are you going to make it rain so much?
G: - Because the world is full of violence.
F: - I've never heard them.
G: - What???
F: - The violins. I've never heard them. Don't you like stringed instruments then?
G: - VIOLENCE you imbecile
F: - Oh. Sorry.
G: - Now shut up and tell me if you are going to build the ark I want.
F: - What? Shut up AND tell you?
G: - JUST TELL ME OR I SWEAR I'LL DO FOR YOU IN A MINUTE!
F: - Is that a minute from now or a minute from then?
G: - RIGHT YOU'VE ASKED FOR IT
F: - Alright alright, anything you say Lord.
G: - Good. I'm glad that's sorted. Now we can concentrate on the business in hand.
F: - Fair enough. But I don't know anything about making boats.
G: - Don't worry, I now grant you the knowledge of a naval architect.
F: - Ah now I see. This boat then, what shall I make it out of?
G: - Trees.
F: - What the hell is a trees?
G: - You see that bush over there?
F: - Er ..yes
G: - Well it's like that only bigger.
F: - Wont this boat look more than a little like a bird's nest.
G: - Oh bugger it. I now grant you knowledge of what a tree looks like.
F: - Ah yes, now I understand. Which trees shall I use.
G: - Shittim.
F: - Ha Ha Ha Ha
G: - What's so funny?
F: - You said shittim.
G: - They really are called shittim you idiot.
F: - Oh sorry. But it is funny.
G: - And Gopher wood.
F: - Ha Ha Ha Ha
G: - Your laughing again.
F: - You want me to gopher wood. Wasn't that a joke?
G: - NO!
F: - Oh sorry. Where will I get these trees from? There can't be any for miles.
G: - Don't worry about it. There are whole rain forests out there you don't know about, and the animals won't be needing them anymore. You just worry about the building the thing. I'll supply the wood.
F: - And saws.
G: - What?
F: - And saws. I have never seen a tree. Why would I have a saw.
G: - To make your house with?
F: - I live in a tent. I have scissors, are they any good?
G: - OK OK. I'll supply as many saws as you need, and the wood.
F: - And nails and hammers?
G: - Yes.
F: - Any power tools?
G: - No chance. Look, You just give me the plans and I'll supply the wood OK?, pre-sawn to size, drilled where necessary, planed sides and edges, all in a flatpack match-marked ready for self assembly, as well as all the tools fixtures and fittings you will need. Now can we PLEASE get on with it. I haven't finished explaining yet. What's that damned noise by the way?
F: - Oh that's just the neighbours. They must have got wind you were about. They always make a song and dance about praying. I would just ignore them if I was you.
G: - I always do. Now then, when you've finished the ark, you must collect two of each species of all the animals, birds, and OK then creepy crawlies as well (I've repented again), male and female and take them on the ark with you. That way they can breed again and fill the earth after the flood.
F: - What about hermaphrodites? How will I know which ones to take? Do I only take one of those or still two?
G: - Your not supposed to know about hermaphrodites.
F: - Well I do.
G: - OK you choose. They're only small.
F: - Fair enough.
G: - So to recap, that's two of every animal, that have nostrils.
F: - Not insects then? I thought you wanted them a minute ago.
G: -
F: - God?
G: - Yes you're right. Make that ‘with or without nostrils’
F: - Gotcha.
G: - Now of the clean beasts, take by sevens, male and female.
F: - Hold on, there are clean beasts?
G: - There certainly are.
F: - Which ones are they then?
G: - I'll supply you with a list. Can we move on?
F: - Er, just one thing, when you say by sevens male and female, is that 3 and 4, 4 & 3, or 7 & 7? Or is it them hermaphrodites again?
G: - That's not specified. You have to work that out yourself.
F: - Well how many zebras will I need?
G: - Er..Two. They are unclean I think.
F: - So what do the lions eat?
G: - Will you stop getting bogged down with trivial detail at this stage. There is still important information to impart.
F: - Sorry.
G: - Right. Now, it's going to rain for forty days solid, and it will stay flooded for a further 150 days. I want you to release the animals 7 days after that.
F: - Well can you tell me how many species are there in total? Remember I'll need two of every type, even if the difference is only subtle, as evolution doesn't exist.
G: - Millions and millions.
F: - Can you give me a rough mass for that, I need to get a handle on the displacement.
G: - Not just at the moment no.
F: - Only, my preliminary calcs suggest the ark wont be big enough for the insects alone, unless we can stack them somehow. Do you want to reconsider the insects again?
G: - No
F: - Only the woodworm then? I could do without those. And weevils.
G: - No. It has to be all insects.
F: - About the ice-caps you mentioned by the way, is this floating ice?
G: - Mostly, yes.
F: - Well in my capacity as a naval architect I have to tell you that melting them will have no effect on the water level at all.
G: - Are you sure?
F: - Yes.
G: - OK, forget the ice caps. We can edit that out in the final draft.
F: - Can you do that?
G: - I usually do.
F: - Well, what you said about the size of the ark. Does the 300 cubits include the pointed ends? It could seriously affect the capacity.
G: - Look. I'm just the ideas man OK. I paint the broad outlines, I want you to sort out that level of detail. You choose how big it needs to be.
F: - Sorry. I just think you might have underestimated the job.
G: - Well I haven't. Now, I'm making you responsible for delivering the ark, on time, to budget. Do I make myself clear?
F: - Yes. But I'll need to work out what each animal eats and how much, what space to allow for the food, that sort of thing. I'll have to work out a rota for shit shovelling (can you add shovels to your list). Sealing the door below the waterline is going to be a bugger without hydraulics, and we mustn't forget all those seeds.
G: - Seeds?
F: - Yes, to replace all the billions of plant species that will die. They can't all eat seaweed you know. We will have to take extra food to cover the period after the flood while these seeds are growing and ripening, and extra animals for the other animals to eat before they start reproducing. I don't know how many that will need to be, but it is definitely not two. Can I suggest something?
G: - What?
F: - You haven't thought it through have you? Wouldn't it be better to just to teach us all to swim?
G: - Ark or death. You choose.
F: - Ark.
G: - That's settled then. Now do you have any other questions?
F: - Yes. Why do Chinkies have slitty eyes?
G: - What?
F: - Why do Chinkies have slitty eyes?
G: - Why are you asking me that?
F: - I thought you said I could ask you any other question. I've always wondered about that one.
G: - You're not taking this seriously.
F: - Just one more question.
G: - What?
F: - What timescale are we talking?
G: - 7 days
F: - Ha Ha Ha Ha
G: - Oh for fucks sake.

G: - Noah
N: - Yes God?
G: - I want you to build me an ark.
N: - Ha Ha Ha Ha…….

The rest, as we say, is a complete fabrication.

Boro Nut

ROFLMAO!!!! Boro, you're going to get me fired!

Riiiiiiight. What's a cubit?

Iconoclast

Hee! Very nice!

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

--W@L

As we say south of the border. Eccellente!!!

Boro Nut, may I reprint this on my web site?

By all means. I would like to be involved with discussions over the film rights though.

Cracked me up, very well done

-SingleDad, what is the url of your site? I would love to visit it.

-Spider

Same as on my profile:
My Home Page