Has anyone seen this devastating critique of the Bible which is currently circulating by e-mail?

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly
states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific Laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is anabomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some room for negotiation here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we
just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

[End of e-mail]

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Well Christians and Infidels my faith in the inerrancy of the Bible has been sorely tested ... can anyone resolve the doubts raised by these incisive questions?

Blessings and Peace

Hilarius

Opus1

This e-mail has been around for quite a while now. It might help you to know that Dr. Laura is an Orthodox Jew, for whom the book of Leviticus is still relevant nad binding.

Did she convert to Orthodoxy? I thought she was a Conservative Jew.

Interesting.

Thank you Opus, but my crisis of faith is in no way reduced by the thought that the Bible is so biased against these trivial sins.

How can I look my dear children at the Infidel Board in the eye and tell them I believe this material?

Blessings and Peace

Hilarius

My dear adoring fan,

I am so pleased that you took the time to write to me and express your questions. While my producers have tried to convince me that you are just a jerk looking for a cheap laugh at someone else’s expense, I heartily disagree. You see, I think it would be a rare individual who would be willing to make himself look so utterly ill-informed and silly in a futile attempt to poke fun at someone else. Therefore, I am convinced that you are simply another misguided fool who has read too much of the silliness that passes for knowledge on the Secular Web, and have absorbed it uncritically. I would like for you to know that there are many of us who enjoy receiving this kind of mail for the comic relief it provides.

But lest you think I am totally dismissing your letter, I feel it my responsibility to thank you, dear fan. You see, today – reading your carefully crafted letter - I have learned a new truth. While I have always held that there are no stupid questions, you have certainly provided me with ten exceptions to that rule! For this, I am most deeply indebted to you.

So without further ado, I shall address each question in turn:

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific Laws and how to follow them.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I am pleased to be addressing a member of the tribe of Levi. Just kidding! Since only the priestly tribe were authorized to make this type of offering, your question clearly indicates that you are someone way in over your head. If you believe that you need to make such an offering, I would recommend you check with your local rabbi to see if he knows of anyone who would be willing to assist you in this endeavor. Don’t be surprised if he does not know of anyone, since sacrifices of this type have not been offered in roughly 2000 years, since the Temple was destroyed in 70 AD.

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

Interesting question. But if I were you, I would not take a penny less than the cost of a good vasectomy (and a circumcision if you have not had one yet), for anyone who would consider selling their child into slavery needs to reconsider having children at all. As a practicing Jew, I may not agree with everything in the New Testament, but I think Paul was right when he said: “But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel” (1 Timothy 5:8). But that doesn’t really answer your question, so I would say that you should weigh her “selling points” against the idealized woman in Proverbs 31:10-31. If you have succeeded in raising such a daughter, then “her price is far above rubies” (Proverbs 31:10). If not, you have no one to blame but yourself.

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

I am feeling deep sympathy for you, dear fan. Since you are obviously trying hard to keep the law, then I know you know that fornication and adultery carried the death penalty. And since your Question #5 below involved invoking the death penalty on another, it is obvious that you hold this penalty to be valid for law infractions. So since we have ruled out your having sex with anyone but your wife, and you don’t seem able to hold a meaningful conversation with her, I would recommend keeping an eye on the garbage can for the tell-tale signs of a woman having her period. After that, it is a pretty simply matter of keeping a calendar to track this cyclic bodily function (roughly every 28 days). As far as your asking other women, it really is none of your business, and you would probably be ahead of the game by not asking strangers such personal questions.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
Why can't I own Canadians?

Dear fan, you might want to pick a better educated group of friends! While the Bible does not prohibit slavery, it does not make it mandatory, either. Since the laws of the nation in which you live (USA) prohibit slavery, and there is not requirement in the Bible to maintain slaves, it would seem that the laws of the land are not in conflict with the Bible, so owning slaves is really not an option. Now, if you should chose to re-locate to another country which does allow slavery, I would be happy to revisit that question. Since Canada does not share a border with any nation that permits slavery, they fail to fall under the “neighboring nation” clause, so Canadians would still be exempt.

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

No, you are not morally obligated to kill him, but you are morally obligated to report him to you local clergy. Once you have done this, the responsibility is transferred to the clergy, and you will be held blameless.

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

This is a relatively simple question. Check the penalty for each. If the penalty is equal, then they are equally abominable. If not, then you friend would appear to be correct.

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some room for negotiation here?

Sorry, but there is no room for negotiation. Fortunately, it does not apply to you as you are not of the tribe of Levi. But since not every unblemished Levite got the privilege of approaching the Altar of God, and there were a large number of other priestly and administrative functions provided by the Levites – your glasses would not have made you unemployable.

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

My goodness, you are a card! Where do you find this “law” carrying the death penalty? Simply advise them to make the prescribed amends for breaking a ceremonial law, then pick a new group of friends. Remember, you are not judged for your friends’ actions, but you are judged by the friends you keep.

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

Yes, playing football while wearing gloves is permissible – many of the better players do. But be careful about asking this question of anyone else. You see, the term “pigskin” is a misnomer – like “Free Thinker”. They might think your obvious ignorance of football (the footballs are made of cow leather) could indicate a fairly low level of general knowledge and compromise the image of thoughtfulness you are attempting to cultivate. They might also misconstrue your ignorance of football as an indicator that your questions about women were a ruse to hide your true feelings, and your homophobic remarks to be over-compensation for your own proclivity.

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to
death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I’m afraid so. Since you are making such a strong effort to maintain the integrity of the law, it is necessary to report your observations to the priest. It is their job to gather the town, if your allegations are proven to be true. Also remember, in the case of capital offenses, there is a requirement for two witnesses. Now, if the local clergy fails to follow through with the death penalty, you can rest assured that you have done your duty, and will not be held responsible. But if you should decide to take the law into your own hands, you will be guilty of murder, and I am pretty sure the state will deal with you on that issue.

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Good luck my dear fan. With your spirit and knowledge base, I’m sure I will be reading more about you soon in the newspaper.

Oh, and it would only be fair to say that I am not really Dr. Laura. I am the janitor who found your letter and felt that it deserved at least as much thought in the reply as you invested in the writing of it.

Good point; this has nothing to do with Christians at all [e.g. we don't need -any- temple sacrifices now, dietary restrictions are kaput, etc. :] Even still, most of that still doesn't apply to most Jews since they have no temple to sacrifice at [not since 70 AD...] nor are most of them Levites [the only ones who can sacrifice, anyhow...]