Optimistic

My life is an insatiable desire that can never be completely fulfilled, but I'll not accept. Its a consuming need, you never can graduate because you can never learn enough. The endless yellow brick road. There is always more not yet understood. I don't accept.

It started as a child, asking my parents and teachers endless questions before giving up and finding the answers for myself. Branded a 'Troublemaker' or 'Disruptive child' because my need to know WHY didn't fit well with the authoritative adults unable to understand or answer. I don't accept.

I started learning things, thinking it would make me a genius, when I was 8. Although I have acquired a lifetime of study since then, I'm still not a genius, only an academic (I'm 15 now). I've become obsessed to explain and know, and I'm compulsive to do it. I don't accept.

I've destroyed endless telephones, electronic games, remote controls, everything I didn't understand - risking all the trouble it would bring because I NEEDED to know, I NEEDED to understand and NOBODY was able to explain it to me. NO ONE. So I started my journey to explain it to myself, and I haven't and 7 years has passed since I made a personal code to myself that I would make sense of life. My friends say I'm following a lost cause. I don't accept.

I NEED to explain why I can think, why I get headaches and throb, why at a certain point in mankind's life our body just starts killing itself...for no reason. There needs to be a reason, I can't be a wreck and live in reverie all my life, and all these people tell me that I need to. I don't accept.

And here I am now, I am no different then I was aged ago - I don't know HOW to be different, branded 'obsessive' and 'compulsive' by those who think they can explain what and who I am, but they can't even explain why I need to know. Adults and the authoritative figures that can't contain me or suppress my need to learn are now worried, fear me because I know things, things that general society never took the time to understand. I got into generalized computer science and learning to code (C, Perl, Assembly). I study computer science extensively, I eat sleep and drink it, hoping that artificial intelligence, like our intelligence, will be in the grasp of man. Too many object that man cannot create himself. I don't accept.

I think its love and hope that motivates me, really. God created man in his image, out of love, hoping that his creations would love him back. I wish to do the same. The mind may be a black box to psychologists, but I don't accept.

I sometimes forget to even eat, and when I do eat I rarely even taste my food. Mostly because I get caught up into this, and I want this to be my life. I will either reach a means where I can stop, or die trying to. That, I WILL accept.


I need help, but I don't know how to get or find it. I wrote this out of hope and love for myself, that somebody would love and hope of the best for me. I need to rest.

gorengula

Here's a start. Why don't you try overcoming this obstacle of misinformation before you try to make sense of life. One thing I try to understand is how, with modern technology, and all the information right at our fingertips, some people can still retain a belief in gods and religion? It isn't consistent with a quest for truth. It's a settlement. In exchange for comfort, you give up logic in this scenario.

Pandora

Optimist, what I’m going to say to you I don’t mean in any offensive manner, but because I see a cry for help in your post.

Have you considered seeing a psychologist and being checked out for bipolar disorder? Mental health issues affect over 1 in 4 of the population and are nothing to be ashamed of. Correct treatment will not take your personality away from you but can make your life much easier to deal with, both for yourself and others around you.

Also, you have a lifetime ahead of you to discover things – slow down, you’ll find the older you get the more you don’t know.

Best wishes
Pandora

excreationist

Well I think that people desire a certain amount of "connectedness" in their lives. You seem to be looking towards science and knowledge and God, rather than other things, like people.
Here's a book that I've found very important - perhaps the best book I've ever read - <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0960068880/internetinfidelsA" target="_blank">Ken Keyes's "The Handbook to Higher Consciousness"</a>.
I think you should get a hold of it (from a library or get it secondhand, etc) and read it.
Basically it's about not being neurotic and automatically triggering negative emotions whenever things don't go your way. Instead you accept the current reality, but you can still recongize that things may change in the future.
I have also wanted to understand the universe and at the moment my opinion is that you can't really be sure of much at all, and you need a certain amount of surprises/thrills/threats/danger (note this doesn't necessarily mean physical danger) and connectedness for life to be fulfilling in the long-term. I think in life, the journey is more important than the destination.

Foxhole Atheist

From Optimistic:

“I need help, but I don't know how to get or find it. I wrote this out of hope and love for myself, that somebody would love and hope of the best for me. I need to rest.”

I can offer only one word of advice: Patience. At 15, you’ve got a long way to go. Search as you will with an open mind and the knowledge you seek will come. If you can maintain your motivation and not let others, who may be critical of your quest, deter your efforts, you’ll find what you’re looking for.

I firmly believe in an incubation period of the mind. You can cram only so much into your mind in a certain period of time. When you find you may not be making any headway, back off and let your mind catch up to your motivation.

Grizzly

Optimist,

I agree with Pandora. Your brain pan needs to get checked out. A couple of questions I think you need to ask yourself.

1) Does your quest for knowledge make you unhappy? Do you enjoy it, or do you wish you could stop?

2) Does your need for knowledge come in spurts, or is it pretty constant? Do you ever have any "down time" when the need is not so great? Or times when you don't have the energy to continue?

The reason I ask is that the behaviour you describe sounds a little like mania. But I may be sensitized to it because my brother and father are both bipolar.

Now, if you feel that all of your wheels are still on the wagon, may I make a suggestion? If you are interested in "making sense of life" and figuring out "why at a certain point in mankind's life our body just starts killing itself...for no reason" may I humbly suggest another avenue of study? Biology and animal behaviour. Humans are animals - not machines. Just a suggestion.

Good luck.

Jesus Tap-Dancin' Christ

Yeah, you really need to talk to a shrink. Hell, I do too.

The help you need can only be given by a professional.

abe smith

A quick/cursory response, dear Young Person, from the old geezer[who's been there like all the rest of us here; you chose a good site to air your cri.} Try getting more sleep; and some outdoor exercise= as simple as walking a mile or two a day. Lay off any alkaloids you may be using; keep a journal ; don't be compulsive about doing it regularly. And stick with us here, Person: we are now your support group; and oh boy, do we ever KNOW what you're up-against. Luck to you. in haste, Grandpa.

DarkBronzePlant

Optimistic,

While a curious mind is a good thing to have, you've just got to keep some balance.

I'm going to move this thread to Misc Discussions, where it might garner some more helpful responses.

DBP