thedoubtingtomlin

In the beginning ... God said "Let there be everything" and created this whole universe, the plants, animals, and geological formations. In a week.

He got bored with it and decided to make a little version of Himself out of some dust. Once he did that he figured that his new pet Adam needed a girlfriend so he took one of Adam's ribs and made it into Eve. They got along fine and walked around naked until a bad snake convinced Eve to convince Adam to "get smart." Adam and Eve got embarrassed and started wearing clothes to cover up their evil wicked dirty nasty naked bodies. Occassionally they must've gotten past their weirdness about being nude because they had two sons ... Cain and Abel. Cain murdered Abel, leaving the three of them .. Adam, Eve, and Cain .. to populate the entire globe through incest.

After awhile people started getting too big for their britches so God got pissed at them and drowned all of them except for Noah and his family who were able to fit two of every living thing into a boat and sail away. After they washed up on shore, Noah and his family got to work populating the entire globe through incest.

Then there's a bunch of stuff about people living for 900 years or so. How much you are allowed to sell your daughter for, and when it's okay to kill her. Why shellfish are evil and people who work on Sunday should be beaten to death with rocks. Something about Jonah living in a whale. The malicious torturing of Job and his family. A list of ten rules. Moses' band of wandering Jews. And some filler songs about how neat God is ... "Hallelujah."



Mary got pregnant while Joseph was away and told him that a ghost or spirit or something floated over her and caused her somewhat hard-to-explain condition. Some old guys saw a bright star and figured that Mary's kid must be the son of God so they brought her some smelly oils and stuff. Jesus grew up and got a job as a carpenter until he was in his thirties, when he resumed his roll as God's son. He started a career in self-help and motivational speaking, did a lot of charity work, and apparently saved many others a lot of trouble with wine-making. At one point Jesus freaked out in a temple, knocked over some money changing tables and started getting kinda lippy about the local government and the church. Eventually the church sold him out and the government beat the crap out of him and nailed him to a board while calling him all sorts of nasty names.

Three days later he came back from the dead and said hello to some friends before heading up into the sky to hang out with dear old Dad.


Mathew said Jesus said ..
Mark said Jesus said ..
Luke said Jesus said ..
John said Jesus said blah blah blah ..
Amen


Jesus will come back, grab up all the "born agains," and then leave.
The Anti-Christ will show up. A quarter of the population will die.
The Anti-Christ will die and then come back. A third of the population will die.

Jesus will come back again (this time with his saints for back-up) and he will throw the Anti-Christ, along with many other undesirables, into a burning lake of fire while they're still alive. Satan (you know ... the bad snake) will get grounded for 1000 years with no television OR internet.

After the thousand years is up, Satan will be turned loose on the world again and fiery hot rocks will fall from the sky. Satan will be thrown into the burning lake and the universe will end. God will build a new and improved universe, complete with a shiny white throne for Jesus to sit on while he passes judgement on everyone.

Those people who actually believe this crap will get to hang out with God in the new world and everyone else will burn in hell forever.

Kydka

That's fantastically funny. :notworthy Maybe this belongs in humour though.

Edit: Nice first post by the way.

Mageth

Great first post.

Wrote my own condensed version some time ago:

http://www.extian.org/home.htm