Sojourner553

In Honor of "Wise Mothers"

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught! me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother! taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught meESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come
running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about myROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25.And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Opera Nut

If this was supposed to be a real stitch, I'm sorry, I don't find it funny at all. I didn't hear most of that stuff except for "You're just like your father" but I think all kids hear that if their mom doesn't like what they do.

My mom taught me REAL medical skills, like how to clean up wounds, medicate them, and bandage them, and what sort of drugs are appropriate for what medical conditions. I used my medical knowledge to save two dogs from death by septicemia caused by flea bites. And she was neither a doctor nor a nurse.

And she didn't make me sit at the dinner table and force me to eat cold crap. Or threaten me with "Wait till your father gets home".

This sounds like middle-American mediocrity-fake-good-old-days SPAM.

Monkey

My mum taught me if you don't have anything nice or constructive to say, keep your trap shut.

Nice job Sojourner553

Jackalope

And yes, that's really me and a fellow II lurker in that photo:

Opera Nut

I once sent Dad a father's day card that said

"Thanks for taking the rap, DAD!!!"