Freethought & Rationalism Archive

Slavik91 · 01-24-2003, 06:09 PM

I have already started work on The Book of Slavik. I only have a few lines:

In the begining, there was neither matter nor energy, only God.

God was a white being, but God thought that he was a Jamaican. And on top of that, God had been blasted by the stereotype of Jamaicans by the mass media.

And the lord God said "Man, I be a bored outa my freakin' skull here! I'm making me some matta and powa!"

And the lord God said "Ohhhhh, I got me gas!"

And the lord God let one rip. And through the void came a wave of matter and energy, and the matter and energy scattered randomly through the cosmos.

"Woah!" said the lord God. "It all 'sploded from me behind! All the matta look like a freakin' scatta plot! It would look nica ifen I straighten da whole mess out!"

And the lord God created the heavens and the earth, and a little place in the corner for a holy outhouse.

"Now" said the lord, "I need somtin' to talk wit and boss around."

And the lord God created rabbits, and squirls, and beavers, and cats, and tasty monkies and all other animals on the earth. And the lord God created plants to feed the animals and convert the gases of the big bang into breathable gases. And the lord God gave all the animals naughty bits, so that they could go forth and multiply and get jiggy with it.

And the lord God said "Maaaan dees animals dumb! All they do is eat and screw, screw and eat! I needin' someone to demonize."

And the lord God created man in Gods image. Then he created woman in mans image.

And the lord God said "Why does the top on da woman stick out? That didn't happen wit man! I needa get these eyes checked.

And the lord God said "Now, I be all powerful, and I tells you what you doin'. You twos have naughty bits like the animals. You will want to use them like de animals, but you can't. You must resist the temptation to screw like my tasty monkies, or you will be thrown into a pit of fire and pain because I created you so I would have sometin' to demonize."

And the lord God turned around for ten seconds. And the cries of man and woman joined with the cries of animal.

And the lord God turned and said "I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT! Now, I'm too lazy to be makin' a place of fire for you, but I be doin' somtin worse."

And the lord God created fundamentalism to torment man and woman's children.

Hey, its just as good as any other religion on the market.

Just Another Infidel · 01-24-2003, 08:17 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Slavik91
I have already started work on The Book of Slavik. I only have a few lines:
...
And the lord God said "Now, I be all powerful, and I tells you what you doin'. You twos have naughty bits like the animals. You will want to use them like de animals, but you can't. You must resist the temptation to screw like my tasty monkies, or you will be thrown into a pit of fire and pain because I created you so I would have sometin' to demonize."
...
Hey, its just as good as any other religion on the market.

No no no Slavik91. You got it all wrong. In my religion God thrives on orgasmic energy. It wants us to have sex. Sex is good. Sex energizes God. Sex is the meaning of life (provided you aren't hungry).

Now go back and try it again

Personally, I'm stuck on my commandments. What do you say after, "Thou shalt have sex at every opportunity, for it pleases me"?

JAI

Slavik91 · 01-25-2003, 05:43 AM

My God is the one true god! I will fight you to the death!

Hmmm. I'm starting to sound like someone, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Just Another Infidel · 01-25-2003, 08:00 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Slavik91
My God is the one true god! I will fight you to the death!

Hmmm. I'm starting to sound like someone, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

OK Slavik91, a fight to the death it is! I just need a little time to get my flock disentangled.

There's a supernatural garden hose around here someplace...

-RRH- · 01-25-2003, 03:53 PM

I recommend the collected works of Robert E. Howard.

Mostly just so we can run our lives by "What Would Conan Do?"

seesaw · 01-25-2003, 08:37 PM

I have always wanted to start my own religion or cult. We would worship the god IGGY. :notworthy :notworthy :notworthy

Gregg · 01-26-2003, 09:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by RRH
I recommend the collected works of Robert E. Howard.

Mostly just so we can run our lives by "What Would Conan Do?"

"Slay your enemies, see their armies driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women."

Or something like that, from the film "Conan the Barbarian." I like it!

Gregg

Gregg · 01-26-2003, 09:25 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Clete
I have this idea that keeps rolling around in my head where I select a random work of fiction and arbitrarily decide that it is the Truth (with a capitol "T" no less). That way I can have my very own source of spiritual guidance. And if anyone tells me my book is wrong then I can flip it open to a certain page, quote a couple of esoteric lines, and tell them this proves that the book is True. What do you think, will people go for it? I guess I should pick a suitable book. Hmmm... maybe "The Satanic Verses". Yeah, that sounds like a good one.

By the way, I hope everyone's having a great day! I'm new here and just looking for a little diversion from the city of theists I live in. It's nice to be here!

-Clete

How about "The Silmarillion," the prelude to Lord of the Rings, which chronicles the creation of Middle-earth? I think Eru, the One, aka Iluvatar, is a pretty cool god. Or if you incline toward the darker side of things, you can worship the evil Vala, Melkor, aka Morgoth, the Dark Enemy of the World. Or there's the various good Vala, such as Varda (Elbereth) Queen of the stars, Yavanna (Earth mother), Ulmo (Lord of waters), Aule (Lord of earth and stone), Tulkas (the Warrior), Manwe (King of the Valar) and several others.

Gregg

Melkor · 01-27-2003, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Gregg
How about "The Silmarillion," the prelude to Lord of the Rings, which chronicles the creation of Middle-earth? I think Eru, the One, aka Iluvatar, is a pretty cool god. Or if you incline toward the darker side of things, you can worship the evil Vala, Melkor, aka Morgoth, the Dark Enemy of the World. Or there's the various good Vala, such as Varda (Elbereth) Queen of the stars, Yavanna (Earth mother), Ulmo (Lord of waters), Aule (Lord of earth and stone), Tulkas (the Warrior), Manwe (King of the Valar) and several others.

Gregg

Yeah, I started a thread on just that idea shortly after I got here.

Morgoth got a bad rap, IMO...

Selsaral · 01-27-2003, 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Gregg
"Slay your enemies, see their armies driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women."

Or something like that, from the film "Conan the Barbarian." I like it!

Gregg

"What are the three greatest things in life? Conan!"

"Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of the women."

You basically got it right, but I'm such a big fan, and that's such a glorious line, I wanted to perfect it

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01-24-2003, 06:09 PM	#11
Slavik91 Regular Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Canada Posts: 169	I have already started work on The Book of Slavik. I only have a few lines: In the begining, there was neither matter nor energy, only God. God was a white being, but God thought that he was a Jamaican. And on top of that, God had been blasted by the stereotype of Jamaicans by the mass media. And the lord God said "Man, I be a bored outa my freakin' skull here! I'm making me some matta and powa!" And the lord God said "Ohhhhh, I got me gas!" And the lord God let one rip. And through the void came a wave of matter and energy, and the matter and energy scattered randomly through the cosmos. "Woah!" said the lord God. "It all 'sploded from me behind! All the matta look like a freakin' scatta plot! It would look nica ifen I straighten da whole mess out!" And the lord God created the heavens and the earth, and a little place in the corner for a holy outhouse. "Now" said the lord, "I need somtin' to talk wit and boss around." And the lord God created rabbits, and squirls, and beavers, and cats, and tasty monkies and all other animals on the earth. And the lord God created plants to feed the animals and convert the gases of the big bang into breathable gases. And the lord God gave all the animals naughty bits, so that they could go forth and multiply and get jiggy with it. And the lord God said "Maaaan dees animals dumb! All they do is eat and screw, screw and eat! I needin' someone to demonize." And the lord God created man in Gods image. Then he created woman in mans image. And the lord God said "Why does the top on da woman stick out? That didn't happen wit man! I needa get these eyes checked. And the lord God said "Now, I be all powerful, and I tells you what you doin'. You twos have naughty bits like the animals. You will want to use them like de animals, but you can't. You must resist the temptation to screw like my tasty monkies, or you will be thrown into a pit of fire and pain because I created you so I would have sometin' to demonize." And the lord God turned around for ten seconds. And the cries of man and woman joined with the cries of animal. And the lord God turned and said "I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT! Now, I'm too lazy to be makin' a place of fire for you, but I be doin' somtin worse." And the lord God created fundamentalism to torment man and woman's children. Hey, its just as good as any other religion on the market.

01-25-2003, 05:43 AM	#13
Slavik91 Regular Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Canada Posts: 169	My God is the one true god! I will fight you to the death! Hmmm. I'm starting to sound like someone, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

01-25-2003, 03:53 PM	#15
-RRH- Veteran Member Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: Winnipeg Posts: 2,047	I recommend the collected works of Robert E. Howard. Mostly just so we can run our lives by "What Would Conan Do?"

01-25-2003, 08:37 PM	#16
seesaw Regular Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: USA Posts: 136	I have always wanted to start my own religion or cult. We would worship the god IGGY. :notworthy :notworthy :notworthy

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