HelenM

It doesn't surprise me that a dual standard persists - which I agree with you is irrational.

It doesn't surprise me because it seems to me that historically, young men who are sexually active have been admired, whereas young women who are have been condemned.

Helen

Amen-Moses

Well if it helps any ignore Fr Andrew and answer my posts.

At the moment I am a very confused parent because I have taught my children to be open about their thoughts and actions and to always be truthful yet now that my 11 year daughter admits to being sexually attracted to a female peer (of the same age) and is basically asking for guidance on this issue I am in the position where I say to her that this is a perfectly normal part of growing up and that she should deal with the issue as best she can yet everyone else wants to label her a freak and brush the whole thing under the carpet so to speak.

Amen-Moses

Daleth

Sorry 'bout that, Amen-Moses. Didn't mean to ignore. I'm particularly sympathetic to the sort of situation you've described. A couple decades back we seemed to be making some real progress towards understanding that kids are sexual beings who will and need to experiment and figure things out at their own pace. Terror seems to have overcome what we had figured out, and now once again we find people saying and really believing that kids are not sexual beings at all, that when they masturbate it's not for sexual gratification just self-exploration, and they damned well better keep it to themselves. I wish we could find a balance where we could protect our kids from being exploited sexually and still let them be themselves.

Did you say how old your daughter is? Doesn't matter much. Depends on what your definition of a freak is, doesn't it? If it's someone who acts unlike their peers, yup, she's a freak but there's nothing wrong with that. At least I can't see anything wrong with a girl being mature enough to actually talk about something else that other girls just giggle and blush at.

Dal

Amen-Moses

Very true but what should we do to alleviate this?

Historically it has been easy to educate boys on sexual matters as all you have to do is do it before they finish puberty and the risk that they get anyone pregnant is reduced considerably (i.e if you introduce a typical boy to sex at 11 or 12 it is unlikely that he will be firing anything but blanks) but the same could not be done for girls in the past. Now it can be, we now have the ability to ensure that unwanted pregnancies do not occur so could we not balance the equation somewhat?

Could schools be able to give real sex education in todays age? Could physical sex education now be realised for both sexes free from any worries about disease or pregnancy and if so would this enable all developing humans the chance to develop into rational adults without the sexual hang-ups of their forebears?

Amen-Moses

Amen-Moses

Originally posted by Daleth
I wish we could find a balance where we could protect our kids from being exploited sexually and still let them be themselves.

Ditto!

Did you say how old your daughter is?

Currently she is 11 going on 34 but she is far in advance of her years in physical development (she is of equal size of her 17 year old brother!).

The funniest discussion I have ever had occured a few weeks ago, one of the claims against her is that she asked a boy in her class to show her his willy, the social worker given our case asked if I thought this was normal and I answered that I would be extremely worried if I had an 11 year old daughter who had never asked a boy this!

I sometimes wonder if the only qualification that they take into consideration for giving social workers their jobs is that they are from another planet! By the time I was 11 I had probably asked every girl in the neighbourhood to show me their bits!

Amen-Moses

Daleth

Thanks, Helen. I know that wasn't what you meant. I was just using what you said to jump over to another point. For a lot of people lately, that "I would not approve" has stopped meaning "I'll have a long talk with that kid's parents" and started meaning "I'm calling the cops."

Yes, they are typically treated differently, but making a semi-public legal action out of it is liable to do as much or more harm to the older kid's understanding of and respect for sexuality than has possibly already been done to the younger kid. It depends on the age and the particular kid, but someone without a real undersanding of sex just doesn't seem to me capable of committing a true sex crime. The intent is completely missing, and a lot of these things would be better dealt with at home with education.

I remember a case a while back that made national news... it was a kindergarten (so 5-ish) boy who was brought up on criminal sexual harrassment charges for something like pulling his pants down in front of little girls.

Sorry about the quoting, Helen. I don't really mean to be directing this at you specifically.

yguy

I'm sure you think she doesn't. Forgive me if I don't take your word, without regard to whether she is sexually active.

Too bad they both aren't.

Daleth

Well, lessee, at 11 I'd never have asked a boy that. Having 3 brothers (2 older, 1 younger) and umpteen cousins with no sense of modesty whatsoever, I wasn't especially curious about boy bits. I was curious about man bits and how they might differ from the familiar boy bits. (I'd heard tales, you know.) And being a shy and rather bookish thing, off to the library went I. Today, it would be the net, sneaking pictures on the sly and deleting my browser cache.

HelenM

Maybe now's the time to teach your daughter that it's best not to be open with some people because of the way they will react, which will end up hurting her. Although - maybe she's figuring that out already, because it seems that some of the reactions to her openness already are hurting her.

Also, it's one thing to have feelings; it's another to act on them; and I hope you will explain the difference. After all, even if she were an adult, having feelings for someone else is not something she will be able to act upon if those feelings aren't reciprocated.

Helen

HelenM

Don't worry about it .

I agree with everything you said about dealing with children who behave inappropriately, anyway!

Helen