Queen of Swords

QueenofSwords�s log, Stardate 0630.3. These are the voyages of the starship Nutwatch. Its continuing mission : to explore strange delusions, to seek out new rants and new inanities, and to boldly go where no skeptic has gone before, because this week, we do a Warp 10 past

The Final Frontier

It�s only appropriate that this website be named after the worst Star Trek film, since the articles lurch from banality to outright lies to something that reads as though it was an early draft of the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition. But let�s start with the author of the dreck, a member of the Full Gospel Business Men�s Fellowship called

Dr Richard Kent

So, how many ears does Dr. Kent have? Three - a left ear, a right ear and a final front ear.

He found the details of the Nazi Holocaust appalling, and concluded that the existence of Satan must be a reality. Logically God must also exist. A curious way to come to ultimate truth!

The Holocaust was appalling. Therefore Satan exists. Therefore God exists. Therefore Christianity is correct.

Curious is not the word. Dr. Kent didn�t so much make a leap of faith as achieve escape velocity and zoom away from reality, never to return.

Richard and his wife started a small church in their house,

Did this mean they no longer needed to pay property tax?

which later developed into the local Community Church. They found that the Lord helped them with various financial transactions and illnesses, which greatly impressed them.

They expected Him to be a weak, ineffective god, but after He actually cured them of the common cold within a week, they realized their mistake!

When Richard first became a Christian, he was amazed at how few other Christians there seemed to be.

It was only then that the horrible truth dawned on him : the Rapture had occurred and he was Left Behind �!

Virtually all his former friends, colleagues at work, and acquaintances were atheists.[

Let�s have a rousing cheer for them, ladies and gentlemen!

He was looking for some way of reaching them, and eventually came across Near Death Experiences as a means of generating interest.

Now if only he could find a way for his former friends, colleagues at work and acquaintances to nearly die. Wait, maybe that�s why they�re described as �former�.

Over the last 10 years Richard has spoken all over the UK, in Africa, Eastern Europe and the Caribbean for FGBMFI. The subject of Christian Near Death Experiences always seems to generate great interest.

Until people realize that the Christians were revived. But fear not, potential acolytes of Kent; there are other ways to win fiends and influence penitents, and the good doctor spells them out in the article

Evangelism is Easy

Evangelism is the one thing that we are all commanded to do. It is very easy, and it is great fun!� Most of our evangelism is one to one, simply talking to people on the streets, in cafes, shops, restaurants, banks,

What kind of banks? Blood, bottle or sperm?

airports, beaches,

Here�s a tip for beach evangelism : build a giant sandcross with Jesus on it. You could use Dr. Pepper to simulate His precious blood and then put the empty bottles around the cross to represent Roman legionaries.

taxis, homes, factories, shops, hospitals and prisons.

Basically, any captive audience will do, though I wonder why Dr. Kent repeats �shops�. Perhaps he wishes to make a distinction between chop shops and sweatshops?

We have spoken to many hundreds of people in this way, in many different countries. We have spoken to atheists, agnostics, "nominal Christians", Jews, Muslims, Sikhs, Hindus, Buddhists and Communists.

Each of these must have been another notch on the communal bedpost of the Full Gospel Business Men.

In every case we keep our message very simple and to the point. Everyone needs to be born again, just as Jesus said.

Now if only we could find women with large enough hips and uteri. We sweeten the deal by explaining to the women that no breast-feeding will be necessary.

Evangelism is incredibly easy � a child could do it. In fact, children make excellent evangelists!

This would be why Jesus recruited little Petey, Andy, Phil, Bart, Tommy and the rest of their toddler friends?

There are some basic concepts to grasp about the importance of evangelism, and how to actually do it. The truth is that nobody can lead a person to Jesus Christ, only the Holy Spirit can do that.

So the evangelist leads you to the Holy Spirit, who leads you to Jesus, who leads you to God, who leads you to beer and maybe pretzels if you�ve been very good. It sounds like a party game, which explains why children make excellent evangelists.

All we can do is to go out, in complete submission to the Holy Spirit, and allow the Holy Spirit to do His work through us. There is no other way to succeed.

There�s certainly no other way for the Holy Spirit to get anything done, considering that he�s a disembodied entity without so much as an opposable thumb.

This whole web site is evangelistic in nature, and everything on this web site will be helpful for would be evangelists. This section of the web site is all about the actual process of evangelism. It is necessarily quite lengthy, because, like any other ministry, there is a great deal to learn.

Wait a minute, I thought evangelism was supposed to be easy, with children making the best evangelists. What are these children, baby geniuses straight out of Ender�s Game?

It should not take more than 30 minutes reading "Evangelism is Easy" before you are ready to go out and win your first person to Jesus!

Be sure to tell the person it�s your first time, and maybe they�ll be gentle when they tell you to bug off.

If you feel like that, stop reading straight away, and go and speak to the first person that the Holy Spirit leads you to!

With this kind of discrimination, or lack thereof, I can just imagine what would follow. �The Holy Spirit led me to you!� �That�s wonderful! I could tell that you were searching for meaning in your life. Would you like a free copy of The Watchtower?�

Start with someone easy! Don�t start with a hardened criminal!

Why not? Are hardened criminals too much for the Holy Spirit to handle? And here I was, thinking, �with god, all things are possible�.

When you have led your first person to Jesus, thank Jesus. Without Him, and what He did on the cross, that person would have ended up in Hell!

Aside from the fact that �what He did on the cross� sounds as though Jesus had a small lapse in housebreaking up there, does the author even realize what he�s saying? Without Jesus, would Abraham, Noah, Moses, etc. have ended up in Hell?

Now that you have seen how easy it is, your life will never be the same. Everyone you meet is a potential convert! Imagine the impact that you can have in emptying Hell!

Yes, if you somehow manage to fish people out of the Lake of Fire, the hellish hordes will experience dramatic shrinkage, much like clothes in the wrong cycle of the washer.

Once you have started on this ministry you will never be the same.

You will possess the awesome power of curing insomnia.

You will have learnt just how easy evangelism is! There is no early retirement from evangelism. As long as you have breath in your body you can, with a few simple sentences, help other people choose Heaven rather than Hell.

That�s traditionally how people were helped to choose Heaven rather than Hell, by the few simple sentences of ostracism, arrest, torture and death. Some things never change.

This is the most exciting, and the most rewarding ministry on this planet!

It�s rampant geocentrism like this which prevents us Earthlings from rising higher in the Federation, you know.

We basically have one rule for which people we speak to about Jesus. If they can breathe, we talk to them! If they are not breathing, it�s too late!

Lucky dead people, unless the Kent-sent try to revive them in order to squeeze one more Near Death Experience out for the books. I have to give Dr. Kent points for consistency, though, since he seems equally credulous regarding creationism, as is evident from the article

Scientific Evidence for Biblical Creation versus Evolution

�Dr Kent Horvind, Creation Science Evangelism� contributed to this masterpiece of moronicity, providing gems of scientific reasoning such as

If you add up the dates in Genesis, Adam was created approximately 6000 years ago. Therefore the Earth was created approximately 6000 years ago.

Therefore God didn�t have anything much to do until then? What a stupefyingly dull existence for him and Jesus. As for the Holy Ghost, it must have been bored sheetless.

Evolutionist believe that the whole Universe and life itself arose by chance between 3 and 15 billion years ago.

Evolutionist, that brilliant single entity which makes authoritative pronunciations on anything from biology to astrophysics, stated yesterday that the Universe rolled its d20 and drew up its character sheet a lot longer ago than you�d think.

Someone is lying! Credibility of Jesus is at stake. Credibility of Genesis is at stake. Virtually every book in the Bible is at stake.

Only heretics should be at stake.

Evolutionists believe that the entire solar system was formed from clouds of gas and dust. If so, the Sun, planets, and the moon should be made of similar elements.

The elements being earth, air, water and fire, just like the ancients told us.

If solar system evolved, all planets should be spinning in the same direction.

And Darwin should be spinning in his grave.

Large gaseous planets like Jupiter and Saturn - Scientists cannot explain why their gases have not dissipated into the vacuum of space in 4 billion years!

If stupidity was gravity, this page would be a black hole sucking the entire Internet into itself.

Darwin noted: Variation within species, for example the length of finches' beaks� He proposed Gene Mutation as the method of forming new varieties of life.

Silly Darwin. Everyone knows it was Gene Roddenberry who formed new varieties of life like Klingons and Romulans.

Mutation in DNA code can be caused by: Radiation, Chemicals, Disease.

Also copying errors, like the one which spells �Hovind� as �Horvind� on this page.

All observed Gene Mutations cause disease or malformation. Down's syndrome. Spina bifida. Anencephaly (absent head).

And yet some of those with Anencephaly (absent head) continue to survive and even flourish, as we see from both The Final Frontier and www.drdino.com.

Mutation from one species to another has never been observed.

<grabs a fire extinguisher and aims it at Dr. Hovind�s trousers>

There are no "primitive cells"

All cells are equipped with DSL Internet access, except in Maximum Security, where dial-up connections are still in effect.

This invalidates completely the notion of Man being formed from "primitive cells". The fact is that "primitive cells" are not primitive! They have DNA in them, which is incredibly complex, and simply could not have "evolved by chance!"

I�m not even sure Dr. Hovind knows what DNA is. He probably thinks it stands for Design Not Abiogenesis, or maybe Do Not Adapt.

All animals have the same DNA code. Thus all DNA codes of life came from the same "Software Creator", proving the supernatural origin of life on this planet.

And RNA codes of life must have come from a different �Software Creator�, disproving the non-sequitur hypothesis right there.

If Creation is true � there is a Creator, and there are rules given by God. If Evolution is true � there is no Creator, and there are no rules. In fact, we make them up as we go along, according to the majority vote.

The responsibility of self-government must be terrifying; I�ll bet Dr. Hovind wakes up in a cold sweat after nightmares of democracy, though if I were him, I�d worry more about the IRS.

If Creation is true � we are a fallen race, and we need a Saviour. If Evolution is true � there is no sin, and we do not need a Saviour.

You�d think that anyone with an iota of rationality and self-esteem would prefer the latter prospect (nonsense though it might be), but then again, I did mention an iota of rationality and self-esteem. Still, fear not, fundamentalists. At least you�ll have plenty of money; the Final Frontier says you�re supposed to be rolling in riches, according to the article

God's principles for money

God�s principles for money can be summed up very succiently : money is good and He wants you to have lots of it. They don�t call it the almighty dollar for nothing, apparently.

The ministry of Jesus demonstrated that He had access to large sums of money! Jesus was given gifts of gold as a 2 year old child.

Yes, but I�ll bet you anything his parents took His gold away from Him, sold it and invested the money in the National Bank of Nazareth for their retirement. People so often take advantage of child stars : poor Jesus must have been the Gary Coleman of his time.

Jesus had a home! He would have inherited Joseph�s home, under the culture of His day, since He was the eldest Son.

This seems unfair towards Joseph�s biological sons, and it reminds me of a young cuckoo pushing the other baby birds out of its foster parents� nest. Not very admirable on Jesus�s part, I�m afraid.

Jesus Christ wore expensive clothing!

Unfortunately, it was expensive women�s clothing. Now you know why Christianity isn�t more popular.

Jesus Christ carried sufficient physical cash with him to feed 15,000 people!

I�ll bet Dr. Hovind wishes he was in that enviable position, though it was probably the weight of so many denarii which stopped Jesus from outrunning the Roman soldiers.

Jesus Christ had a treasurer � poor people do not have treasurers. And the treasurer was a thief!

This doesn�t say much for Jesus�s common sense, and may explain why he ended up a poor person.

The disciples had money!

Everyone had money! Is there a single poor person in the whole of this Jackie Collins tale? All we need is for Jesus to be transported to California, and the book could be called Hollywood Saviors.

God is in the business of removing debt

Ah, there�s clearly been a mistranslation in the bible. Where it says Jesus rose from death, it actually means He rose from debt! All hail His pure credit rating and His mighty bank account; he�s the most solvent savior there ever was.

Jesus Christ became poor, so that we might become rich

I�m not sure if this is the same guy with the gold and the cash, or some other Jesus Christ who seems to have picked a life of poverty.

Wealth and honour come from the Lord� We will be made rich so that we can be generous on every occasion

And we had better give it all away on our deathbeds, or we might run afoul of that little caveat about camels and needle�s eyes.

God will reveal Himself to whoever loves Him, and obeys Him

In other words, the very people to whom he doesn�t need to show himself. Listen up, God, the people you need to reveal yourself to are the ones who don�t believe! Don�t be as confused as your prophet!

God will increase your store of seed�

provided you don�t spill it upon the ground.

God shows us how to profit

News flash : You can serve both God and Mammon!
Little reaction from televangelists : �We already knew that,� says Jim Bakker.

Everything belongs to the Lord

But he�s more than willing to pass the cash on to you, because what use is religion if it doesn�t allow you to make a healthy profit? With the additional benefit of ignorance regarding even the most basic facts of science, the Final Frontier fails to live up to its dramatic name; its appeal is for the lowest common denominator, for the human greed and gullibility which have been around for a lot longer than Hovind�s 6000-year figure. Set a course for Earth, Mr. Data, because there�s no intelligent life to be found here.

Till next week, everyone. Make it so.

QueenofSwords

Queen of Swords

Sorry the Nutwatch was late, guys, but I've been off the net since Saturday. This evening the computer decided to function again. <goes to catch up on all the other threads>

Tau

:notworthy :notworthy :notworthy

This entire Nutwatch is great! I think the best one is this combination of insult and explanation:

auto-da-fe

:notworthy :notworthy

You are becoming a bit of a habit QoS...

But then you are probably used to it by now

edited to add:

my favorite quote;

GunnerJ

Mwahahah...

BUU-HAWHAWHAWHAW!

Nerdpick: In D20 systems, rolling for ability scores at chargen requires a 4D6 roll, with the lowest result discounted, and the remaining three added up, for each ability.

Please, please, someone kill me.

Barcode

Oh dear gawd .... my flatmates just came in to ask why I was laughing so much ....

Heheheheheheeeeeeeeee!!!

*is cracking up at that image* ....too, too funny.

*chortling rather loudly*

Cheers for the laugh

winstonjen

As always, QoS, a brilliant piece of work. You should become a professional!

missus_gumby

LOL!

Luvvly jubbly, O QofS!

Uncle Martin

matthias j.

Brilliant!

By the way:Is he saying that dust decreases as time passes? I sure wish my flat would be a bit more like the universe!

JohnR

Sucked my soda right into the screen.:notworthy