Rain Dog

Sirenspeak,

This is not the place for my story, interesting or otherwise. [Edited to say that I mean that this is Intemsity's support thread, not mine.]

If you're interested, you could PM me. I'm not sure I'm willing to air it out in a public thread.

-RD

[ December 19, 2002: Message edited by: Rain Dog ]</p>

pescifish

Rain Dog is correct, SirenSpeak.

I was just about to post this very thing here. SirenSpeak, if you wish to have a general discussion about such an attitude, I would imagine either Misc. Discussions or even possibly Moral Foundations and Principles (?) would be better forums.

Rain Dog, should you wish support from this group for a particular situation, please feel free to open a thread here, too.

Thanks!
pescifish, mod

Pseudonymph

Brighid...I know you mean well, but I very much disagree with your views on this. Here is why...


Of course it is perfectly ok to question these things, but I wonder if you have fully understood the situation. She is fucking with his head. Not being upfront and honest, etc. That is the main problem here.


Again, that is fine for her to feel that way, but not in the sneaking around way she has done.


Actually you are. You are saying that she has a reason to do these things. Nothing justifies sneaking around and playing with somebodies head.

If that is the game she is playing, I hope intensity sees it for what it is and runs the other way.

Because I, like most women, find I can't talk to a man for more than a few minutes without some other type of innuendo taking place. The sad reality is, that the vast majority of affairs start in situations just like this....

I know I'm coming accross harsh but stuff like this pisses me off. I've made my fair share of mistakes, and I hate to see anyone else with that problem.

brighid

Psuedo,

It is well within your right to disagree with me and I don�t completely disagree with your feelings. I do believe she isn�t being honest and is quite possibly playing games with his head, but we also only have Intensity�s side of the story and it really isn�t fair to jump to conclusions about what IS actually going on.

I don�t know what kind of woman she is, but it seems uncharacteristic of what he has previously described of her before to know be conducting some torrid affair. I could be entirely wrong, but he seems to still want this relationship and it what is going on is causing him great pain. I also know how it is to work myself into a frenzy thinking the worst. It�s really a bad habit that I struggle with all the time and I simply meant to caution him against attributing sinister motives to what might not be so sinister.

He may also be making a mountain out of a mole hill and looking for motive or �sin� where no is. I also think his actions denote some degree of responsibility in her lack of desire to spend time with him. It makes me uncomfortable and wanting to run reading it, so I can only imagine how she might feel.

I don�t feel I am justifying her actions by attempting to give explanations why she might be acting this way. Those reasons and motivations are important to understand in the context of this situation and especially if he wishes to continue a relationship with her.

I have been in the opposite situation, being accused of sneaking around, avoiding, etc. when in fact the truth was to the contrary. I have also been cheated on and understand the very deep pain and sense of betrayal it causes. I also know how wondering about that makes one nuts. I personally feel a moderate approach at the start is more prudent. If after some honest, non-defensive discussion takes places something else comes out then so be it, but if she is actually contemplating another relationship and doesn�t know how to approach him it�s going to be very difficult to get at the truth if he approaches her in the manner he is presenting. It�s not even worth wasting ones energy defending oneself when someone has already made up their mind about what you have or have not done.

Above all I think she needs to really figure out what the hell she wants and is doing. She needs to be honest with herself and with him. Sometimes that isn�t easy to do and perhaps this is more to it then we are able to see.

Brighid

Pseudonymph

You're absolutley right of course. I realize I am sort of jumping ahead here..but this painful situation sure reeks of familiarity to me. And I just want to spare other people that kind of pain.

Sorry to jump on you like that Brighid...it's not in my character to do so, I'll think more about it next time. Hope you weren't too bothered by it

Pseudo AKA SirenSpeak

[ December 19, 2002: Message edited by: Pseudonymph ]</p>

Ted Hoffman

Hi all,
We settled the matter and a wide range of various issues. I did not need to give her the letter since we covered every ground I had mentioned in the letter. All questions answered.
Thanks a lot for all the advice and support.
It turns out she met him while accompanied by her sister. She told me it was the first time they had coffee together (a date).
She agreed to terminate the friendship - soon as I meet him - on Sunday.
I think I handled it well. It feels good to make myself clear on this issue. If she does anything like this again without telling me before, she knows she will be guilty of cheating.
All of this I guess is a learning experience for me, difficult as it has been.

HelenM

Hi Intensity,

I'm really glad you had the chance to talk with her.

It sounds like she wasn't deeply emotionally involved with him if she's agreed to cut back her contact with him to an amount that's ok with you.

At this point are you comfortable that the two of you are agreed on how much contact it's appropriate for her to have with other men? Are things going ok in your relationship with her again? Or are there still things that need resolving?

If I'm asking questions you'd rather not answer then of course, don't answer them. Please don't share anything you don't want to here, just because I asked.

take care
Helen

Ted Hoffman

Helen,
Of course in such a situation I expected her to ask: "So I am not supposed to have male friends?".
And she did.
And I explained to her clearly how it is supposed to be. And she said she agreed.
I told her there is a huge difference between having male friends and actively seeking them out, calling them and meeting over tea. I told her if calling each other is not enough, then there is something afoot especially if its not about work.
I told her she can have dates with her male friends (though I made it clear it was not a good idea) BUT each time that has to happen, I must know before it happens.
Even for me, if I have to have a date with a woman, I will inform her that I am meeting a woman. That way, we act as testing boarards for each other to help check our excesses. I told her that if it so happens that there is a time she feels uncomfortable to tell meshe is having a date with someone, then it will be because she knows it is wrong.
At the same time, it builds trust and openeness in the relationship.

No, we have no other issues that need to be resolved. Things are very much okay as far as I can tell.
Thanks.

HelenM

It makes sense to me to be honest with each other about the people you spend time with. I think you're right that it would be a bad sign if she didn't want to tell you she was going to spend time with another man.

I'm glad things are very much ok. Maybe it's been a too traumatic week relationship-wise to think about this, but, are you still hoping to propose to her soon, with a ring? Have recent events put that on hold, for you? (If it's ok to ask)

Helen

Ted Hoffman

Yeah Helen, I am proposing as scheduled. You can put your money on that.