Queen of Swords

Rejection : it happened to me over seventy times, and at least one of them was so sarcastic that I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide for a few years. A few strung me along and then said no. But the one who says yes may be right around the corner... I'll keep looking.

Of course, I'm referring to the publishing business and the manuscripts I've sent out. But it all applies.

Viti

I never got asked out, where were all these ballsy guys when I was single? I only went out with people I knew and that was mostly "hooking up" or becoming frineds during group gatherings and such. Hubby an I got to be friends by unloading the inventory shipments together twice a week where we worked, and all of us younger employees did beer and pizza on Tuesdays and had a party on Fridays.

Majestyk

UMOC,

Rejection? She rejected you? How can she when, she doesn't really know you? How can you know that it was you she rejected? Maybe there was some other reason, other than you?

First thing to understand about women is that they are, in general, emotionally superior to men. The human female is more adept at interpersonal relationships than the male. They seem to have a better grasp of the emotional states of those around them. A higher degree of empathy.

In comparison, the male is emotionally retarded. Less empathic and easily confused when emotion overrides reason in others. And although the male may be slower to catch on to the emotional state of those around him, he is own emotions are generally stable.

Women on the other hand, although operating with a higher sensitivity to emotions, are themselves riding emotional roller coasters. At, least until they've gone through menopause. Their monthly hormonal cycles cause emotional swings that can leave the uninitiated in complete bewilderment.

The one thing that you can be assured of is that you, as a man, will never, intuitively, know what is going on inside the head of a women (even if, she tells you). So don't sweat it. Be yourself and let what happens happen.

Do not try to control the situation. Just, enjoy the ride wherever it takes you. And there's no shame in not getting on a scary looking ride.

Last bit of advice. Don't ask them out. Invite them into your life. (think about this one)

*disclaimer* this is presented by a guy who has been married once, almost got married again, and currently is living alone.

LeftCoast

UMOC,

First, an observation � most people that I know that are in long-term relationships did not meet in the boy-meets-girl-boy-asked-girl-out-they-go-on-date-fall-in-love-yadda-yadda-yadda. Most met through friends or because they were involved in some common activity (club, work [a-la LadyShea], etc.).

Get involved in a few organizations where you can meet women (this means that the monster truck club is probably out ). When I was in graduate school I hit on (pun intended) taking ballroom dancing. Check it out if your school offers such a class. The male/female ratio is usually somewhere less than � and to top it off, as part of the class you have to get up-close-and-personal. As a side benefit, you learn a skill that can come in useful in the future.

In any event, once you are in a club/group/what-have-you just take a little time to get to know the women as individuals and give them a chance to get to know you. Then, if there is someone that you are interested in, just ask her to get some coffee or other non-threatening beverage or just to go get some lunch sometime. Lunch is a good ice-breaker as most people have things to do during the day so there is no implication that the meeting will last any longer than the lunch itself.

One other thing, women will really key on how you dress and carry yourself. As I have never met you and have never seen your picture, please don�t be offended by the following. First is cleanliness � I�ve known a few people your age who for some reason thought that taking a bath on a definite schedule was optional. If you look (or smell) like you haven�t bathed in a couple of days no woman is going to touch you (literally). Also upgrade your wardrobe � they say that clothing makes the man and that is nowhere more true than in dating relationships. The clothes don�t have to be expensive, but just clean and not looking like they came off the thrift-shop rack. Appearance is also a biggie � find someone you trust and ask them to critique your hair, etc. A bad haircut can ruin just about everything else (e.g. � a mullet is so far out of style its sad that some guys still keep wearing their hair that way, or if you still look like your �trying� to grow that beard after a month, shave, it�s not the look for you).

Before I get flamed, I�m not trying to insinuate that women are shallow and only go by looks (hey that�s the guy�s territory ), however, what you want to make sure of is that the first impression you make is if not positive at least not negative. It�s somewhat trite, but lousy first impressions are devilishly difficult to outgrow.

Finally, under no circumstances allow yourself to get so discouraged that you just give up. If you are not being rejected, you�re either Brad Pitt or your just not trying. Everyone gets rejected (some of us, yours truly included, more than others), but giving up is just not an option.

Now, in the spirit of Vince Lombari � get back out there��..

Stiletto One

*winces

Yah. That's pretty much what I'm looking at now. :banghead:

UMoC: Shoulders back, chin up, man. There's a girl out there waiting for you, somewhere, and you'll meet her sooner than you expect.

Sakpo

Heh, I got asked out yesterday, and had to say no (I have a girlfriend, and I live 2.5 hours and an international border away from the place we met). I've been asked out a few times, and have always said no, because I've only ever been asked out since I started going out with my girlfriend (all by people who didn't know I was spoken for, it's not knowledge that I have a girlfriend that got me asked out). I'd never ever want someone who was rejected by me to feel bad or embarassed though. Only a real jerk would ever think poorly of someone for appropriately asking them out. Asking people out is hard, and being rejected can be really hard. But it's worth it. Keep your chin up. I've been turned down a few times... but it only took one yes for em to end up in a fairly long lasting relationship (going on four years now I think... ever since I was 16).

Loren Pechtel

Yeah--an honest and polite asking out should never be met with hostility.

cjack

Add me to that list! I find the perfect (well, almost) woman and she's currently a couple thousand miles away and probably not coming back.

UMOC, follow the advice here, and keep your head up. Rejection's not a big deal. Hell, I even gave up on trying at one point. I stopped looking, and took the attitude that I didn't need a woman to make me happy.


Funny thing is, I think that attitude actually attracted women to me. I went for about a year where I was dating more than one woman at a time!


Don't worry about it too much. It'll happen for you. Now, getting a second date...that's the trick!

Derec

Well many religious people don't have sex before marriage - at least officially.
Others can't get laid that often. These two groups depress the average.

What are the stats for France and other European countries by the way?

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I spent 11 years in France, and flirting at first sight, dating, having sex, all of it within half an hour, is common there.

Well I am sure you have to look reasonably good to do that.

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After experimenting with many styles, a man and a woman that were compatible in sex and personality, were getting married.

Of course. Much better than waiting until marriage to find out about any sexual incompatibility.

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U.S. and Canada, they don't have this adventurous get-to-know strangers -like the French do-, so that one builds an experience with different styles.

I do not quite believe that.

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"I have a boyfriend." is a nun-like reply to some of my proposals. "Yeah, but you don't get sex and life experience, like this." is my thinking.

I do not find this to be a "nun-like" response. Being in a exclusive relationship is nothing bad or nun-like. And would you cheaton your girlfriend or expect her to cheat on you?
And how do you know how much sex she is getting like that anyway?

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When I paid three prostitutes (two in Vancouver in the 90s, one in Las Vegas a year ago), I saw the phenomenon that after love-making, they fell in love in an animalistic way.

You mean prostitutes fell in love with you? I do not quite believe that ...

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In the department of potential lifetime partner, I am more scarce, since I fall for human qualities, rather than money.

I definitely would not be in a long term relationship with a woman that primarily cared about how much money I make.

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I think, Ugly, given your thoughtful past posts in this forum -including an electric circuit learned in your studies-, that is good to stick with what qualities you have.

Well thank you.

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For example, she was looking at you frequently, I suspect because under the duress of that class assignment, she got to see your problem solving skills, she was impressed on the spot, and she lit you a little bit as she was interested in you.

Probably ...

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(She changed her mind afterwards about lighting you, thinking that other male qualities than yours are important to her;

How do you know she changed her mind? And what "male qualities" do I lack?

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this way, she will eventually get what she deserves, good and bad, won't she?)

Sure.

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Let the odds at finding a lifetime partner, fall where they might fall. Meanwhile, develop at being yourself, while fitting in the society.

What to do when those two are mutually exclusive?

I wish you luck regarding getting published but I still maintain that these two are not alike at all.

UMoC

Queen of Swords

Originally posted by UglyManOnCampus
I wish you luck regarding getting published but I still maintain that these two are not alike at all.

Thanks for the good wishes, but we may have to agree to disagree on whether or not the two experiences are alike. I think they are. I work hard to lay out part of myself for a complete stranger's acceptance or rejection. When they show any interest, I'm delighted; when they say no, my emotions run the range from disappointed to extremely upset. Either way, rejection sucks.