Kvalhion

It depends upon the degree one goes to snoop and what one does with the information afterwards. If someone searches their daughter's backpack and finds drugs, then confronts them with it, what are the odds that the child is going to keep drugs in a backpack after that? Not very likely.

There is a fine line between making sure a child is not falling prey or being gullible/niaeve because they do not know better and invading a child's privacy to try and know everything you can. I wouldn't find it overly excessive to view internet history but I would find it invasive to read a private diary.

If you do come across something of concern it is best to try to have the kind of relationship where they will bring it up to you (maybe with a little prompting) rather than you confronting them. That's my opinion anyway.

christ-on-a-stick

While a parent may technically have the "right" to search whatever they want as long as the minor is living in their home, I think the question here is what is most conducive to a healthy parent-child relationship.

I think that "snooping" (searching space and property secretly) OR "announced" searches should be used as a last resort.

As a teenager, my mom briefly engaged in some "snooping" which I was aware of not because she told me, but because she wasn't very good at doing it without me being able to tell... so I asked her about it. I was extremely bothered by what I felt was an unreasonable invasion of my privacy because she freely admitted that she wasn't looking for anything in particular and, most importantly, had no particular concern about me (suspicious behavior or reason to suspect "misbehavior".)

I think that when a parent does this (again, either secretly or openly) without good reason (and I don't think that "just in case" is "good reason"), it is extremely damaging to the relationship in that the minor perceives a basic lack of respect for them as an individual. Especially in the teen years, I think that feeling of *mutual* respect is important to a parent-child relationship that doesn't feel like (as much of, perhaps) a constant struggle.

Enai

But, you see, that's the issue. Not respecting the child's need to build her/his own personality without unwanted interference is mental abuse. It does harm the child in the ways sweep has mentioned. Of course, if you suspect something fishy, you can talk to the sprout, can't you? Get help elsewhere, in extreme cases move away to get away from the possible harmful "friends" the kiddo has? (Make no mistake, I read that the influence of friends and peers on the child is much greater at that age than the parent's influence, and I'm inclined to believe it.)

Enai

sweep

true. but there are good drugs and bad drugs. gas and glue are modern contrivances. there is loving sex and abusive (sick) sex. would you want your children seeing bukkake movies online? Is dignity, or lack of, what you were striving for, pyrrho?

good point. Adults don't send small children down't pit for fourteen hours every day anymore. We have improved the legacy of our race in some respects.

yes. A sense of self worth is particularly important in a climate rife with insecurity and inequality. We teach kids the importance of smiling and positivity. In turn the whole world smiles with them.

me too. I was hoping someone would mention peer influence, but I never got around to looking into the issue.

auto-da-fe

I think it is easy to opine about what should and should not be done, but when it comes down to it, each parent and each child are unique and there is no one correct or incorrect way.

I was not giving any respect from my mother (father deceased), and in turn I had no respect for her. However, I don't believe that her "snooping" in and of itself made me respect her any less, and in my example, may have made me respect her more, because at least then I knew that she cared at least a little for me. At least enough to want to know what I was doing with my time. In fact, up to that point, I was largely ignored by her, until it was time to dole out punishment for some grievance I caused her.

I only mention this as proof that there is no one way that can be used. Every kid is different, and what you though was bad, I thought was good (at least to an extent).

Born Free

I agree with MegaDave, I would search my 13 year old's room if I felt something was amiss and I was worried but I would draw the line at reading personal things.

But then again suppose your son or daughter were deeply depressed and pouring all of their feelings out in a diary??? Suppose they were contemplating suicide in that diary?? It's a rather extreme hypothetical question but it has happened before. Wouldn't it be ultimately better to know your child's deepest thoughts and feelings if this were the case???

Some might say a parent should and would know if their child felt this way but this isn't always the case, they can be just as good at keeping their real worries from you. If you ask them they can be good at allaying your fears and telling you what they think you want to hear.

As a parent your job is to guide them through the turmoil that is adolesence hopefully with as little interference in their life as possible. There are times though that their privacy is of little consequence if it means they could be in danger. If you don't know about it, you can't do anything about it. Better to be safe than sorry.

I certainly wouldn't confront them about anything I did find unless it was an emergency.

As an aside I was really shocked when Craig was 12, he had stayed overnight at a friend's house and came to me next day wanting to talk.

He told me the friend had started to sniff a can of areosol and offered him some. He did, he tried it and his words were "I really didn't like it mum, I didn't like the feeling so when he offered me more I wouldn't do it". I didn't go mad and hit the roof I just calmly explained that although young people have this natural urge to try everything, there are some things that are just far too dangerous to try even once. I was very firm but non confrontive when I said that one sniff could have killed him but that I was really proud of him for saying no and he did the right thing.

However now that he is 13 our relationship has changed from then and although I'm fairly sure he would come and tell me again if something like that happened, I can't be certain.

He's a good kid and I'm not worried about him but I do know we both have a long way to go and our relationship will change again as he matures even more. Hopefully I would be able to spot if he was into drugs or drink a mile off but there are other things I guess I might not be able to spot as he makes the change from little boy to young man and starts to exercise the pulling away feature that is natural.

At 13 I see no problem with a little discreet check if needed. You can keep yourself informed and still respect their privacy as in what they don't know won't hurt them, if you know what I mean. As much as they like to think they're worldy wise for all intents and purposes they are 13, not 23 and sometimes need a little watchful eye.

Incidentally I say 13 as this is the age of the girl in the op.

Born Free

IF we inform kids prior to their exploits, does that mean they are less likely to endanger themselves?

In my experience seebs the answer is no. I had actually prewarned Craig about drugs and drink etc although not specifically sniffing areosols as such. I've no doubts in my mind that he will at some point try drink and maybe something else, I done it and I can't think of any teen who didn't.

My son and I have always been close, we've talked about nearly everything in the past, however I've noticed even in a year the change in the closeness. At some point in most teens lives parents are like so square they are just "there", they don't want to go out with you, they spend much of their time in their room, sometimes look at you as if you have horns when you speak to them and it's all perfectly natural.

To talk with them is very difficult, they don't appreciate a sit down chat most of the time. I've seen it happen with the closest of relationships. If they want you, they'll come to you and as I've said previously are masters of disguise when you know something is troubling them and they point blank refuse to admit it sometimes you get "you ask too many questions". You have to back off and give them space. How then are you to know what is going on in their life with them???

All you can do as is make judgement calls as each situation arises, give them their space but be there at the same time, be alert to danger but never let them know it.

It's lovely in those rare moments when you have a good long chat, or watch tv together, it's fascinating watching your kid mature. I love the way teenagers get so opinionated about things, they are so aware of the world and seeing it for the first time from new young adult eyes they can get so passionate about things. It's amazing that this child you've cherished and looked after all these years is becoming their own person, you can sit and talk politics with them playing devils advocate for extra fun and sparks!!!

Sorry if I've rambled on a bit and I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. It's late, I'm quite tired and I don't know if I am making a lot of sense.

winstonjen

Well, it could be viewed as emotional/mental abuse to the child, who is trusting and does not expect the parent to do things like that.

Never

Call me naive. I was brought up to respect privacy. To my knowledge, my parents did not snoop in my stuff and I don't plan to snoop in my kids stuff. How can I expect them to be honest with me and trust me if they find out I'm going behind their backs and invading their privacy?
I confess I might feel differently if I had reason to suspect there was a serious problem. But until that occurs, I personally will consider privacy their right.
(p.s. doesn't count if they leave a personal letter from a friend open on the living room floor - it's happened and I looked to see what it was thinking it was school work. Their fault.)

auto-da-fe

Well, children would probably like their parents not to do a lot of things (or to do some others), but unfortunatly, you cannot let the child dictate the parent/child relationship. They neither have the wisdom, nor the self discipline to be able to do that. That is the role of the parent to dictate the rules, and it is the role of the child to respect the parents wishes. I'm not saying that the parent has to be some intolerant, freakishly strict asshole, but it is folly to assume that you are, or are not going to treat your child some way (or alter some rule) based on the wishes of the child.