Freethought & Rationalism Archive

beth · 04-10-2003, 03:23 PM

I have a thread going already, so I hope this one is okay. I will go to that website as suggested for support. My in-laws and my family have little contact so ther will be no conflict if I write a letter to my family announcing my deconversion. I will be sending this letter to jehovah's witnesses, penticostals, baptists, and catholics.

I need suggestions on how to politely announce this via email. I would like to compose this letter within a couple of days before I lose courage. This is going to be a huge step in breaking away from my family's fundamentalism and my independence and maturity. Please, could you give me pointers on how to come out to my family. I want to make my point, be polite, and retain respect from them. They are my blood and they will have to accept me on some level whether or not I am an atheist, so I am not scared to tell them anymore.
Thank you,
Beth

Bumble Bee Tuna · 04-10-2003, 04:22 PM

I would think the best idea is to emphasize the "I'm no different than I was before" angle and only lightly go over the "why I am deconverting" angle. Because let's face it, they don't really care why you're deconverting, and depending on how it's phrased it could piss them off. Be clear, though, that you're definitely deconverted and that you will NOT appreciate attempts to bring you back into the fold. I do not have any experience in the matter, of course, so my suggestions really shouldn't have much merit.

-B

Ensign Steve · 04-10-2003, 04:27 PM

What BBT said, and also, present it as though it is good news! Don't actually expect them to be happy for you, but write the letter as though you do. Make sure they know you are happy, and you are not angry at them or god. Remind them you still love them.

HelenM · 04-10-2003, 05:24 PM

Maybe include some family stuff like how the children are doing, to balance the letter and show that your immediate family is as important to you as ever.

And I agree with saying something along the lines that you love and accept them with the beliefs they have, even though you don't share those beliefs, and you hope they will do the same for you.

Then don't answer the phone for a while so you don't have to talk to them right after they read the e-mail...

Helen

Goliath · 04-10-2003, 06:02 PM

blondegoddess,

My advice is to break your atheism to them in a similar manner to how I play a game of Serious Sam:

RUSH IN AS FAST AS YOU CAN WITH YOUR GUNS BLAZING!!!!!!! *

Be up-front, honest, and completely unapolagetic with regards to your lack of belief.

Good luck!

Sincerely,

Goliath

*Note that this is merely a metaphor. I do not advocate nor condone the idea of you shooting your relatives.

6748_smith_w · 04-10-2003, 07:27 PM

I think you shouldn't make it out to be a bid deal- it really isn't. Don't apologize. Simply tell your family that continuing down the religious path they have laid out for you is forcing you to be dishonest, and is damaging your personal and intellectual integrity. If they get upset, don't back down and don't beg for forgiveness- you haven't done anything wrong. Tell them you will not be participating in their religion anymore, and leave it at that. This may sound harsh, but if they refuse to accept you, maybe you'll be better off without them.

beth · 04-11-2003, 01:42 PM

Okay, please tell me if this is good and non-confrontational, or if it's just melodramatic:

Quote:

Hi all,

As you all probably know, I have been a devout Christian for many years. I have talked to many of you about faith and religion and the Bible.

While Grandma was dying and even after her death, I began to do much soul searching. I began to wonder how a loving God could allow such misery to put upon such a wonderful creature as Grandma. I seriously began to search the scripture and pray to seek out my answers.

There was a moment when grandma was having her final heart attack that she grabbed me. An understanding came upon me as I looked into her eyes. I realized that things aren't the way that I believed.

I tormented over this realization and finally I realized that I had lost all faith. I am no longer a Christian. I no longer believe the way I once did. I cannot accept a loving God who allowed Grandma to suffer as she did.

I love all of you. I am not critiquing your faith. I just want you to know that I am now an atheist. I am telling you this so that I will no longer be falsely representing myself to you all. Please understand that I share this out of respect to both you and to myself.

I love you all.

southernhybrid · 04-11-2003, 02:29 PM

That sounds like a very honest and polite letter, and no it's not melodramatic or confrontational in the least.

You might want to consider how you will handle those who will not accept this news without some effort to bring you back to the fold. If it were me, I'd tell them that this subject is not up for discussion. You may not feel that way, but in any event I think it would be good for you to be prepared for possible backlash from your letter and have a plan as to how you will address it. I hope it goes well for you BG and that your family will respect your decision to share this with them. I hope that telling your family that you're an atheist brings you a lot of peace.

Bumble Bee Tuna · 04-11-2003, 02:38 PM

It's fine, but just make sure you add something to it that clarifies that you have made your decision already. Warn them in advance that attempts to reconvert you will not be tolerated. Otherwise, I can't imagine you not being flooded with people trying to defend God and rationalize things to you. Make it clear in this email that you don't want to hear it, and it won't work.
Otherwise, sounds fine IMO.

-B

beth · 04-11-2003, 03:07 PM

Well I sent it. I added 'I have no intention of changing my mind and all the attempts of (my husband's) has not been successful. ' O boy! I'm shaking.

04-10-2003, 03:23 PM	#1
beth Veteran Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: where orange blossoms bloom... Posts: 1,802	Letter to my family? I have a thread going already, so I hope this one is okay. I will go to that website as suggested for support. My in-laws and my family have little contact so ther will be no conflict if I write a letter to my family announcing my deconversion. I will be sending this letter to jehovah's witnesses, penticostals, baptists, and catholics. I need suggestions on how to politely announce this via email. I would like to compose this letter within a couple of days before I lose courage. This is going to be a huge step in breaking away from my family's fundamentalism and my independence and maturity. Please, could you give me pointers on how to come out to my family. I want to make my point, be polite, and retain respect from them. They are my blood and they will have to accept me on some level whether or not I am an atheist, so I am not scared to tell them anymore. Thank you, Beth

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04-10-2003, 04:22 PM	#2
Bumble Bee Tuna Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Middletown, CT Posts: 7,333	I would think the best idea is to emphasize the "I'm no different than I was before" angle and only lightly go over the "why I am deconverting" angle. Because let's face it, they don't really care why you're deconverting, and depending on how it's phrased it could piss them off. Be clear, though, that you're definitely deconverted and that you will NOT appreciate attempts to bring you back into the fold. I do not have any experience in the matter, of course, so my suggestions really shouldn't have much merit. -B

04-10-2003, 04:27 PM	#3
Ensign Steve Veteran Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Augusta, Georgia, United States Posts: 1,235	What BBT said, and also, present it as though it is good news! Don't actually expect them to be happy for you, but write the letter as though you do. Make sure they know you are happy, and you are not angry at them or god. Remind them you still love them.

04-10-2003, 05:24 PM	#4
HelenM Veteran Member Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Ill Posts: 6,577	Maybe include some family stuff like how the children are doing, to balance the letter and show that your immediate family is as important to you as ever. And I agree with saying something along the lines that you love and accept them with the beliefs they have, even though you don't share those beliefs, and you hope they will do the same for you. Then don't answer the phone for a while so you don't have to talk to them right after they read the e-mail... Helen

04-10-2003, 06:02 PM	#5
Goliath Banned Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: Fargo, ND, USA Posts: 1,849	blondegoddess, My advice is to break your atheism to them in a similar manner to how I play a game of Serious Sam: RUSH IN AS FAST AS YOU CAN WITH YOUR GUNS BLAZING!!!!!!! * Be up-front, honest, and completely unapolagetic with regards to your lack of belief. Good luck! Sincerely, Goliath *Note that this is merely a metaphor. I do not advocate nor condone the idea of you shooting your relatives.

04-10-2003, 07:27 PM	#6
6748_smith_w Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: USA Posts: 69	I think you shouldn't make it out to be a bid deal- it really isn't. Don't apologize. Simply tell your family that continuing down the religious path they have laid out for you is forcing you to be dishonest, and is damaging your personal and intellectual integrity. If they get upset, don't back down and don't beg for forgiveness- you haven't done anything wrong. Tell them you will not be participating in their religion anymore, and leave it at that. This may sound harsh, but if they refuse to accept you, maybe you'll be better off without them.

04-11-2003, 02:29 PM	#8
southernhybrid Veteran Member Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: heavenly Georgia Posts: 3,862	That sounds like a very honest and polite letter, and no it's not melodramatic or confrontational in the least. You might want to consider how you will handle those who will not accept this news without some effort to bring you back to the fold. If it were me, I'd tell them that this subject is not up for discussion. You may not feel that way, but in any event I think it would be good for you to be prepared for possible backlash from your letter and have a plan as to how you will address it. I hope it goes well for you BG and that your family will respect your decision to share this with them. I hope that telling your family that you're an atheist brings you a lot of peace.

04-11-2003, 02:38 PM	#9
Bumble Bee Tuna Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Middletown, CT Posts: 7,333	It's fine, but just make sure you add something to it that clarifies that you have made your decision already. Warn them in advance that attempts to reconvert you will not be tolerated. Otherwise, I can't imagine you not being flooded with people trying to defend God and rationalize things to you. Make it clear in this email that you don't want to hear it, and it won't work. Otherwise, sounds fine IMO. -B

04-11-2003, 03:07 PM	#10
beth Veteran Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: where orange blossoms bloom... Posts: 1,802	Well I sent it. I added 'I have no intention of changing my mind and all the attempts of (my husband's) has not been successful. ' O boy! I'm shaking.

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