ex-preacher

Welcome Vern! Great first message. I was a Church of Christ minister for 12 years and did some mission work in Brazil. I was teaching Bible in a Christian university when I de-converted about 3 years ago. Talk about uncomfortable.

Everyone else in my family, including my wife and kids are still very strong C of C. It's been tough, but things have gradually improved. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but I have been able to re-build a lot my social connections by getting plugged in to Unitarian Universalism (www.uua.org). Strangely enough, my family even encourages that. They prefer to see me in any church on Sunday than relaxing at home reading the paper. Odd.

The Other Michael

Misery loves company.

They are jealous of you being a person of leisure while they've got to get up, get dressed and "enjoy" going to church.

cheers,
Michael

beth

I can say that I did hate going to church in the morning. I would usually stay up late the night before to watch SNL and it was a bear to get up and fix breakfast, dress the kids, and shower and dress myself. Then try to get there on time. I do not miss this aspect of Christianity.

brighid

Beth,

Maybe you can start doing something different on Sunday mornings when everyone else is going to Church. What sort of causes do you have a passion for? Really, check out the volunteer organizations in your area. This will allow you an opportunity to meet with like-minded people and through your work you will certainly gain respect. If nothing else will give you a sense of accomplishment that you have helped others who aren't likely to care if you are a Christian, Atheist, Alien from outer-space, etc.

Some suggestions to consider would be your local animal rescue, adoption organization or humane society. They are always looking for volunteers. Check our a children's hospital to see if you could be a book reader. There are so many opportunties out there. Don't let this obstacle get you down. Create an opportunity for self-improvement and reach out beyond the confines of your normal, comfortable social circles.

Allow your actions to speak for your morality and self-respect. People WILL come around. Even my mother, the flaming, conservative Catholic quasi-Messianic Jew/Protestant hybrid of something or the other has come around ... even if she still prays that I come back to the Church and would have the Pope perform an intervention if she could.

I don't tell too many people I am an atheist. I find it a non-issue. If it comes up I will be honest, but it doesn't come up too often. Try not to put any more importance on your non-belief then necessary. Make no apologies. Do not act ashamed and do not succumb to any peer pressure (here or otherwise.) You have nothing to be ashamed of.

To thine own self be true!

Brighid

beth

Hi Brighid,
I just wanted to thank you for your suggestions.

I know that I need to make my decisions, but I always like to weigh the advice of others before I make my call. Perhaps there are other options for me. I guess though, that when one is used to the same support or social structure for thirteen years, it's hard to break free. I have decided (for the time being) to get to know my kids better and to help them heal from all the trauma we've endured for the past year(lotsa bad stuff has happened). I think they are the most important investment of my time.

I think I will attend church when they have special programs because I don't want to miss what is important to my kids. Football season has started and my son is off the waiting list, so he'll be playing. I'll be busy five days a week with that on top of brownies. The brownie mom's aren't too religious from what I've seen.

My non-belief isn't much of an issue at home untill my husband reads IIDB and gets upset. I think he's quit, though, because he saw it was adding to problems.

I used to be very close to my mom. She was my world, then things changed. We were just starting to rebuild some sort of bond when she read my email and found out I was no longer a Christian. I guess the little girl in me want acceptance from her finally. It is really amazing how much power parents can hold over you even in adult life.

Anyway, I will look into volunteering at the children's ward. I was a book reader to the kids at school and kids seem to like me, perhaps it will be rewarding to help kids who are ill.

My main worry (beside my children), still, is my inlaws. My MIL is like a mother to me, I really don't think I can handle her rejection or tears because of my disbelief.

brighid

Me too! I totally understand, but if it helps any you can learn to overcome that need for her acceptance. It takes time and the road will definately be filled with some heartache, but in the end you may come to realize that you need self-acceptance more then you need outside acceptance.

You should have seen the disappointment in my mother's eyes when I brought a black man home! I think she had a near death experience!

It will take time for them to unlearn the prejudice they have been taught. They may come to learn that they cannot accept a God who damn their beloved child to Hell for nothing other then a lack of belief... or they may not.

They may never unlearn those prejudices, but they can learn to co-exist. I know my mother is shocked that as an atheist I find volunteer work rewarding. I am just beginning a program where I will help single mothers, fathers and young families learn to cope with their new responsibilities.

If they have even a shred of integrity time will teach them that their ideas are wrong and they will have to soften. Give them time to adjust to this shock. It must be very hard for them to see you, a highly respected, loving member of their family and community give up belief in their God (and digest all the ramifications that go with it.) Be patient and the best way to overcome this heart ache is simply live life the best you can, and live it with respect, honesty and integrity. No matter what they may say they can never take those things from you.

Hang in there. You will be alright. You are a strong woman, you love your family and I think things can work themselves out.

Brighid

ex-preacher

Same for me. The most difficult aspect of my deconversion has been my relationship with my parents. At first, I tried to hide my new views from them. That didn't work. Next I harbored the illusion that I would help them deconvert - Ha! My mom and I eventually had to come to a truce where we do not talk about religion. Things have gradually improved.

My Dad, who is a preacher for a big church, has not been nearly as difficult to deal with. He has an advanced theological education and I think has struggled with many of the same issues I have so he sympathizes with me. I secretly think he might have deconverted except for his own fears of alienating his mother (she's still alive and holds a domineering sway over him, even though he's in his late 60's).

My Dad has told me that he still wonders if his dad would approve of his decisions. I guess you never get away from your parents, even when they're gone.

HelenM

I'm glad you wrote this, brighid. In my opinion, this is so important. It never works when we seek acceptance from others to make up for the despair that comes from an inability to accept ourselves. Acceptance needs to start with self-acceptance. Until we do that we'll be on an endless desperate search to find someone who will accept us...

Helen

brighid

Thank you. It is something I feel strongly about. I have seen too many beloved friends and family members fall prey to the endless rollercoaster cycle of ups and downs that comes with seeking acceptance outside of ones self.

Acceptance from others is a nice thing, don't get me wrong but it is not a necessity if you know and accept who you are, flaws and all. If a person simply does his/her best to lead a life of integrity the mistakes and tribulations seem to be much easier to traverse.

What cannot be found within cannot be found without ...

Brighid

Primordial Groove

Wow. It is always disheartening to see religion split a family. Religion > love? I don't think I could handle that.
I am the only atheist in my family (other than the step-unit). Both brothers are christian leaning (one to the nth degree), same with mom and sister. The great thing about it is that it is a non issue. I think this thread made me realize that. We are who we are and we believe what we want but that doesnt change our relationship with each other. I can't imagine alienating one of them due to their religion and I cant see them alienating me due to my lack of.

With that said, if I was singled out due to my non-belief, I would not succumb to their wishes. I could not live my life according to their plan.

I feel sympathy for you Beth. No one should have to go through alienation from their family just because of their belief system. And no one should live according to someone elses plan. It's your only life Beth. If you cant live it on your terms, then it isn't really yours.
I hope you can mend the bridges with your children. I also hope religion becomes the non-issue it should be in a family. Show them love and they will show it in turn. No strings attached.

I wish you the best Beth. Just remember, this life is yours.