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Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Stevens Point, WI
Posts: 538
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Funny article from UWSP newspaper
For those of us not in the know, every April The University of Wiscosnsin at Stevens point hosts the Wolrd's largest media trivia contest, which just wrapped up last night. (my team took 8th place out of a feild of over 430 teams.) The contest is a 54 hour test of one's knowledge of useless information and one's ability to go without sleep for extended periods of time. UWSP's newspaper wrote an article lampooning the origins of Trivia and the legend of The death and ressurection of Jesus. Here it is:
Quote:
Trivia is a holy time. If you've never heard the story of first Trivia, gather round. I'll tell you how it all began.
About two thousand years ago, give or take, God sent his only begotten son to Earth. Dude's name was Jesus, and a nice bit of a walkabout for about thirty years or so. When he wasn't chatting up prostitutes and trashing churches, he amused the locals by making wine, raising the dead, and putting demons into pigs.
Admittedly, these were pretty small-time tricks for the Son of God, but you have to realize that this was back before they had digital cable, and people were really, REALLY bored. Back then, a herd of demon pigs was heap big fun, roughly equivalent to a whole season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD.
Anyway, things were going well until Jesus went on a week-long water-into-wine bender. He started getting mouthy about bwing the ONLY son of got like he was better then everyone else.
Things went downhill when he got tired of wine and managed to turn dried goat's milk into high-grade flake cocaine. After that he started laying down all this "your're gonna betray me" prophecy on Peter, just to mess with his head. Then he got toally bitchy at everyone because they were falling asleep while he was still tweaking.
The last straw was when he told eeryone that Judas was still a virgin and his Mom used to dress him up like a girl. Judas had a hissy fit, and well...to make a long story short, JC ended up with a pre-paid ticket to the suckingest ride at the Calvary-land theme park.
Still, it wasn't that big of a deal. Dude was the Son of God after all, and he tended to bounce back fairly quickly. Fact is, the disciples used to kill him once every three weeks just to take him down a peg or two. They'd pressed him to death with stones once for cheating at euchre. Before that they'd thrown him into a pottery kiln for refusing to do the dishes when it was his turn.
But this time the apostles all agreed that he'd gone too far and needed a little quiet time to think things over. So they stuck him in a tomb and rolled a HUGE damn rock in front of the door.
Now all this time, God had been too busy to notice what was going on. He was revising Genesis through Leviticus because his agent had told him that it was "full of two dimensional characters and lacking in Aristitotelian unities."
But when God takes a break form his writing to make some EasyMac and have a Guiness, he looks down and sees his only begotten son trying to move this big damn rock by himself and not getting anywhere. God sighs, sends Gabriel to take care of it and goes back to worrying about and whether or not to cut out the whole book of Chobie despite the fact that the part about sea-monkeys was really funny.
Now Gabriel never really liked the big guy's kid very much. Gabriel was a veteran, a real macho type, flaming sword and all that. He couldn't help but think that the long hair, robe, and sandals made Jesus look like a dirty hippie. So he says to Jesus, "I'll tell you what, I'll roll aside this stone, if you can tell me the name of the pig on Green Acres.
Jesus thought to himself, I think it's Clarence. Or is it Cletus? Damn. I know this.
"Ill give you a while to think about it." Gabriel says, then plays a couple of songs on the harp.
"Cletus!" Jesus shouted at the end of the second song.
"Sorry, it's Arnold. Don't worry, I'll give you another chance. Which country won the Silver Medal for luge in 1986?"
This kept going for hours and hours. Gabriel asking questions after question that Jesus wouldn't know the answer to, just to piss him off.
Around hour 28, Jesus got a lucky break when Gabriel asked "What are the names of the men Nebuchadneezar threw into the firey furnace?"
Jesus klnew the answer was Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nigo. But of course, everyone knows that, so the question ended up being a phone-burner. And because Jesus hadn't thought to set up his speed-dial ahead of time, he didn't manage to get through.
When gabriel declared "Phones down, Phones down in the back", Jesus became incredibly wroth. And the Lord did say, "Let there be jolt cola and Little Debbie snack cakes and taco dip and Penguin caffinated Peppermints." And all these things were made manifest according to his will.
Thus it was, with sugar and caffiene that the Lord mantained his wakefulness until the 54th hour when Gabriel asked, "Who co-starred with Brad Pitt in the 2002 blockbuster Spy Game?"
The Lord spake, "Robert Redford".
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Here endeth the lesson.
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04-14-2003, 05:07 PM
