LianaLi

So. I can almost divide the reactions to my situation into two neat categories. Here's the deal:

Initially, after the whole fight with my dad that got me kicked out of the house, my mom said that she really wanted to help me out. She said that the family would be willing to give me the car, and help me find an apartment and evne help with the bills for the first few months, while I got a job and got on my feet. All this was contingent upon my apology t omy father for fighting back.

Now, if you remember, I defended myself when my dad shoved me in the face, and that's how the fight happened. It escalated into him shoving violently at me, me hitting back, mom getting in the way, and ended with me pinned on the floor because I had briefly stopped fighting back, when she got in the way.

Anyways, the reactions to the "deal" my parents got have been so neatly divided it's almost frightening. Most of the women I asked were like fuck them, you don't need them or their crappy assed idea of help. Or it might be more moderately put, like "You can apologize for hurting him, but not for defending yourself if they're willing to genuinely help you instead of just find a new way to screw you under their thumb." The guys, however, have predominately been "Suck it up, and take their help."

WTF? What seriously creeps me out is that most of them missed out on the fact that this borders on abuse, and that I could have pressed charges on him for assaulting me. (I eventually hcose not to press charges, btw.) Granted, one or two of the guys whose opinions I asked for didn't think I neeed to apologize for defending ymself and "suck it up" just to get my parents idea of help. What I don't understand is why a majority of guys I know would think I should appologize for it. Are they just tactless? Spineless? Don't understand the situation? I don't get it, and I'm very disturbed by the fact of this simple admission of many of my male friends' viewpoint, I can no longer really trust them or respect them as I once had before all this happened.

-Liana

Bumble Bee Tuna

Well, I myself don't care that much about abstract concepts like honesty or dignity or the importance of upholding them. I would advise to fake an apology, exploit your dad for all he's worth, and then once you are on your feet if you truly care about your honesty and dignity and self-respect and whatever other abstract concepts you want to throw in there, you could probably gain it back by calling your dad, telling him you weren't at all sorry for punching him in the face and you just fucked him out of his money so he can go ahead and lick your balls for all you care. Or you could avoid this step. The way I look at it: How does it negatively affect you if you lie to your parents to get free money?

-B

dunadan

It's kind of like Christians in a starving region 'feeding' the hungry - holding out a crust of bread repeatedly and saying 'Who's your savior? Whooo's your savour???'

If I was starving, I'd take the bread. Anything I had to say to get it wouldn't really matter - a promise under coercion is not a promise.

If you need the $$$, say you're sorry, take the dough. When you are on your own two feet, you can re-evaluate how you feel. Maybe you will want to make up and this will help bridge the gap. It really sucks not to be close to your folks as you get older. I understand that being close or not close may not be your choice. Maybe in the future you'll just want to give them the finger when you see them.

If you don't need cash, don't take it. Show you can 'make it' on your own. That can be a tough road to travel though. . .

Putney Swope

You can always hold that over him, but if he ever does it again, you will have to follow through.

Life doesn't get much easier to some. I've been in a similar quandry at many different work environments. Either suck it up and continue to receive a paycheck, or say fuck it and tell that prick boss to suck it. As I grow older, I've come to believe that a fat paycheck pays more bills than principles do. Better to pay bills today and work on improving one's self. If you're going to try and make it on your own, you'll need their help. You also need to advance your education (formal). You'll make more money and be more satisfied with an education than you will without those cherished sheepskins. Such is life. Do what ever you have to do to stay in school. Remember, there will come a time when he is totally dependant. At that time, you'll be able to grind his balls into the floor under your heel as you tell him what an insensitive prick he is, and he won't be able to stop you. You'll always be younger than him.

Just stay clear of his right cross. Better to live to grind another day.

mabel

If the money will make the difference between moldy bread and mac n' cheese, take the money. you need to survive and they owe you that.

if it's between mac n' cheese and hamburger, get yourself a Costco card and buy the big honkin' multi pak of mac n' cheese and never invite them over for din din.

Sick parents like that will try anything to keep you down in their miserable world. run and don't look back.

Richard1366

It is usually better not to "fight back" A few years ago my father-in-law had too much to drink (so what's new) and was becoming abusive to his wife. She calls my wife, we both go over to see if we could calm the situation. My wife goes into the house and I can see through the door that her father is threatening her. I go inside, say a few words and take my wife outside and away from the chaos. Father-in-law follows us out, takes issue with my interference, swings, and hits me in the side of the face, and knocks my glasses off. I refused to strike back... Come to find out that in hitting me he broke his hand and had to wear a cast for 6 weeks, as a nagging reminder of what he had done.

He seemed to become more mellow after that...wonder why??

Godless Dave

I'm going to disagree with most of your male friends and most of the men on this thread and say don't apologize. It's not just about principles: if you apologize to get their money & car, you will have taught yourself, at some level, to allow them to buy you off. And you will have reinforced their behavior to them. Integrity isn't just a principle, it's a behavior. Stand your ground, and there is a small chance they will help you out even without an apology. And make it clear to them why you are not apologizing, and that you expect an apology from him.

Of course, last time I gave you advice (to press charges) you didn't follow it . Ultimately it's your decision.

HaysooChreesto!

I concur 100% with BBT. It was exactly what I was thinking while reading the OP.
Press charges? Towards what end? To prove what? To help yourself how? Do you beleive that if your dad goes to jail that he'll somehow suddenly see the error of his ways? That the White Light will hit him while he's being fingerprinted and he'll fall to his knees and beg you for forgiveness? IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN. Chances are that the cops will show up, ask some questions, and then if you wish you can request a copy of the dust covered and moth eaten report 10 years from now and revel in all the nothingness that was accomplished. In the meantime you will have no help from them and your life will be inestimably more difficult.
Take the money and exploit them for all their worth. It's old and corny, but living better is the best revenge.

Soyin Milka

Did anyone mention fear?

Do you feel safe around your father?
That would be the determining factor for me, so that's why I ask. People have a tendency to use money as leverage in their relationships. If I was afraid of my father and could find a women's shelter willing and able to take me in, I wouldn't accept my parents' money. I'd try to get on my feet without their help.

I hope things will work out for the best for you.

Soyin

lunachick

I concur 100% with Godless Dave. What he said. Completely.

Edit: I concur with GD 99% - I wouldn't go for the charges. Unless this is repeat behaviour.