LianaLi

I realize one hundred percent that being very pretty completely skews my view of the social scene. If this bothers you, read no more. I don't have time to hear about "oh, shut up, you get more out of life than the rest of us average people do."

So, how do you deal with it? Jumping head first into the Austin social scene is my way of learning to tolerate things better, and a bit of a recovery process from a year and a half relationship. By recovering, I mean regaining a "normal" view point on how people interact. For example, I was utterly perplexed as to why a thirty something year old man would find a twenty three year old woman interesting. I didn't get it. He thinks I'm funny. We've just spent the last three hours at a party talking. What is he finding so damn interesting? And why is he taking me to this really expensive restaurant. I don't get it. Oh, you mean this is how people normally interact? You mean they actually ask for your opinion, listen to it, and follow your suggestions. Needless to say, I don't think I was a very valued member in my last relationship. Trying to get my former SO to accept my input was like banging my head against a brick wall.

Tolerate things better covers alot of points for me. I can't very well beat up EVERY guy that says "Hey baby, I want a piece of that" when I walk by. If I'm in a bad mood, I may give them a piece of my mind. I need to learn how to handle myself socially, and I'm rather lucky that I don't have much of a problem leaving or nicely saying no, when I'm not comfortable with something. Plus, I can punch to back it up. I need to learn to say no nicely, know when someone's flirting with me (big trouble point with me), learn to read body language better, ect. The sort of things you only accomplish socializing.

Which kind of brings me to my next point, and why I posted all this: How do you deal with jealousy. Various encounters over the past year have convinced me that the average woman is petty enough that she will take her insecurities out on a woman who looks much better than she does. I've been out and out shunned by other groups that were all women. I went to this italian club, and so far the only people who had gathered were women. When I walked up, and asked if they were in the club, they said yes. After introducing myself, no one returned introductions. Nobody invited me to sit down. No one made room. It was downright frosty. My revenge later was to sit at another table, and wait for my friends, who were all guys, to arrive, and then have a good time. I do suppose it's good for something. But, as you can see, this makes it rather difficult if you're trying to make friends with people, if you're instantly viewed as threatening. I don't get a chance, because I could upset their relationships. Ugh! This keeps happening time and time again in each new venue I start to explore. It's even begun to happen in kung fu. Grargh! Should I just avoid my insecure age group all together? Or write a sign that says "I don't want your man" and wear it around my neck?

The flip side of the coin is that I have to more or less assume, that unless the guy is gay, he's attracted to me. This is not fun, believe me, when you want to be friends, you're nice, and the guy thinks you want to be more than friends. Ugh!


Thoughts? Hints? Places to avoid?

-Liana

Godless Dave

I can relate to this from the other side of the expensive restaurant table, so to speak. When I started seeing my most recent gf she was 24 and I was 31. And I really did find her interesting. She had been out of college long enough to have some interesting experiences. Was I also attracted by her slender firm young body? Hell, yes. And it's often hard for us male pigs to know ourselves whether we are legitimately interested in someone as a person or just lookin' for some booty. This guy might just be after you for your looks. Or he may genuinely find you interesting. Three hours is a long time to talk at a party. He may find it refreshing to talk to a woman who doesn't want to know his gross annual income and sperm count on the first date.

I would phrase that as the guy hopes you want to be more than friends. Unfortunately hoping turns into wishful thinking, and that can turn into thinking it's true. My advice, FWLIW, is just to make sure your guy friends know where you stand. Don't worry about hurting their feelings by telling them you're not interested - they would be more hurt if you led them on. Once in college I went for a walk with this girl I had a minor crush on. Towards the beginning of the walk she said "I might be totally out of line saying this, but I'm only interested in you as a friend." I really appreciated her honesty and forthrightness. And it didn't bother me a bit when she started seeing my roommate (they're married now).

KnightWhoSaysNi

Hi Liana,

Remember, many women (and men! like myself) wouldn't mind having your problem.

I'm afraid that there are no places to avoid if you don't want boys like me chasing after you (unless you join a nunnery ). But perhaps the quality of the boys would vary depending on the venue you choose (e.g. a cafe or bookstore vs. a nightclub).

Anyways, I can see why many women are more comfortable around men who are 'taken' as opposed to those who are single. Chances are we're thinking, "hey, let's see if there's some potential here."

Personally, I'm terrible with dating social nuances and can never tell if someone's interested in me or not (unless it was blatantly obvious, like touching, constant attention, or making excuses to be around me a lot). Best approach for someone like me is like what Godless Dave suggested. I might have hopes, but I'm happy to be her friend too if she makes it clear that's only what she wants. Otherwise, I'm going to get confused with the mixed messages.

6748_smith_w

Wow, you're a little full of yourself, aren't you?

christ-on-a-stick

Not necessarily, and your comment is not particularly constructive (or constructively phrased).

In my view LianaLi is not saying "Hey, I know for a fact that every guy who's not gay is attracted to me, because I am the hottest ticket in the world" - reread that whole paragraph, not just the first sentence (in context with the rest of the post.)

Pyrrho

Your concern about other women is interesting. The trouble is, from what you have stated, there was no reason given for a lack of any invitation to join the group. You seem to assume that they did not because they were jealous of your beauty. Why? It seems to me that you are jumping to conclusions regarding the motivation of others, when you really do not know. Since you arrived after the other women, you did not see how they greeted, or failed to greet, the others. Perhaps they are, by your standards, "cold" with everyone, or with everyone they don't know.

Now, of course, it may be that you have omitted some important information from your story, so it is possible that you were justified in your opinion of why they were not friendly with you. But, based upon just what you told us alone, you are not.

Additionally, with your comment "It's even begun to happen in kung fu", this is suggestive that it is happening after people are getting to know you there, rather than them being immediately cold to you. If that is the case, then, perhaps, they don't like you because of something you do, rather than because of how you look (after all, they probably saw how you look when they first met you).

Perhaps it would be a good idea to ask a trusted friend�s opinion of what is going on. Not someone who always tells you what you want to hear, but someone who you can trust to tell you the truth.

Obviously, I have no idea what you look like, nor do I know how you interact with others. Nor have I seen how people react to you. So I cannot know why you are getting reactions that you regard as "cold". But I do know women who are absolutely stunning who get along well with other women, even those who are rather unattractive.

Sakpo

Eat a lot of cheeseburgers and get a bad haircut.

brighid

LianaLi,

I can relate with what you say about the jealousy of other women. I have had to deal with this ALOT. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do to quell the insecurities of these types of women. Some women are just down right catty and they are threatened by a beautiful woman.

I basically ignored it and went on with having a good time with my friends, both male and female. They aren't worth your time if they are threatened by your appearance and you are a very beautiful, exotic looking woman so no doubt you get some interesting reactions for the insecure faction of our gender.

Eventually I started acquiring more girlfriends and all of them were stunning in their own right. You should see how the react to a pack of us It did help to get into the clubs for free!!

All anyone can do is simply be true to herself/himself. If people don't like it don't waste your precious time, or energy paying attention to it.

As to the guy ... don't underestimate your charm or whit. Hold the attitude (or at least fake it until you believe it) that any man is privileged by your company, not because you are "all that" but because you are an intelligent, charming, beautiful woman who has boundless treasures to offer a mate. This usually helps to weed out the losers who are only after a piece of ass. Extend and expect respect and you will get it.

Brighid

christ-on-a-stick

Brighid.... :notworthy

Preach it, sista!!!

One thing that has always bugged me is that it seems as though there is a social "taboo" against women acknowledging or talking openly about aspects of physical appearance and the pitfalls it can engender one way or the other... as though it is somehow "conceited" to have the audacity to talk about it if the issue is about being *attractive* as opposed to not.

Godless Dave

We're not all losers! It's just very difficult to find the women who are only after a piece of ass (and I know they're out there).