Freethought & Rationalism Archive

Sojourner553 · 06-15-2003, 10:06 AM

New- Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information

What chicken? We don�t have chickens in Iraq. So how can they cross a road?

GEORGE W BUSH

We don't care whether the chicken crossed the road or not. The real question is whether the chicken is a terrorist. I have evidence this chicken IS a terrorist and must be stopped.

WILLIAM TENET, Head of the CIA

We have satellite evidence, but we cannot tell if there really is a chicken, or whether there really is a road.

HANS BLIX

Our inspection team needs more time to verify whether the chicken or the road is in violation of the UN Treaty.

COLIN POWELL

We have special intelligence the chicken may be hiding WMD in its eggs. We know suspicious activities are going on because the chicken is male.

DONALD RUMSFIELD

Our new efficient army can take out both the chicken and the road in a matter of weeks.

TONY BLAIR

The chicken will cross the road in 45 minutes, unless we attack first.

WILLIAM BENNETT, JR

I�ve $1000 Bucks on the Chicken that it makes it to the other side of the road.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross the road regardless of the color of their feathers.

DAN QUALE

How do you spell �chicken�?

BILL CLINTON

Will the chicken cross the road, you askl? Depends what your definition of �chicken� is?

BILL GATES

eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2003.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

THE BIBLE

And God shouted from the heavens, saying �THE CHICKEN SHALT CROSS THE ROAD.� And it came to pass and there was great rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS

Did I miss one?

elmodog · 06-15-2003, 10:49 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Sojourner553

DAN QUALE

How do you spell �chicken�?

Well, Dan's last name is spelled "Quayle". Ah, the irony.

Sojourner553 · 06-15-2003, 04:12 PM

yeah, I'm bad.

The version of this sent me had a bunch of >> in it that I took off manually, got overzealous with the space bar and took out an extra letter.

Arken · 06-17-2003, 10:23 PM

Let's contribute some of our own!

RUSH LIMBAUGH
"But Rush!" I hear you say. "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Well, my friends, I tell you this: that is exactly what the liberal media wants you to ask. You're playing right into their hands! "But did he cross it, Rush? Did he cross it?" the liberals scream at me and I want to tell you all, friends, that the chicken is the right kind of chicken. It is a good, decent, honest chicken. It is an American chicken and with God's blessing it will get to the other side, my friends.

DR. LAURA
Why what? Why WHAT? Just answer the question. No, just answer- What chicken? You didn't mention a chicken before. You see? I think you just don't care about your children and- no, let me talk. You're a bad parent. A bad parent.

ART BELL
I'm normally a skeptic, but when I heard Dr. Hans von Reichenbachfausen's report on the aliens that were picking up chickens and putting them on the other side of the road, I was definitely convinced that there was something unexplained going on. Maybe we'll never know 'why' the chicken crossed the road or 'how' the chicken crossed the road or 'where' the chicken crossed the road, but we do know this- we don't really know anything.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The ROAD? The ROAD you ask?! The road is covered in TAR. BLACK tar. And the chicken? It is WHITE! Why did the chicken cross the road? Why did the WHITE MAN WALK ALL OVER the BLACK MAN? That's the question you should be asking!

JIMMY "THE GREEK"
I don't know, but I'll go double or nothin' it ends up as road pizza.

JERRY SEINFELD
I just don't get it. Why did the chicken cross the road? Why was there a chicken on the road in the first place? Do chickens usually walk on roads? Why a road? Who came up with the idea of putting chickens on roads anyway? And cross? Why did the chicken cross the road? Why didn't he Star of David the road? I need answers, people!

LARRY KING
Chickens are crossing roads more and more frequently these days. I once had a dog named Betsy but I decided instead to go to college. If you have to see one film this year, make it 'Finding Nemo' certainly the greatest comedy ever made. Shoes are comfortable and useful to protect the feet. (etc.)

JOEY BISHOP
Because Frankie said so.

AGNOSTIC
The chicken could have crossed the road but I would have to see it for myself to be certain.

RANDIAN OBJECTIVIST
Damn the chicken! I'm crossing it!

ody · 06-20-2003, 04:20 PM

JERRY SEINFELD
I just don't get it. Why did the chicken cross the road? Why was there a chicken on the road in the first place? Do chickens usually walk on roads? Why a road? Who came up with the idea of putting chickens on roads anyway? And cross? Why did the chicken cross the road? Why didn't he Star of David the road? I need answers, people!

or

Jerry Seinfeld
Why do chickens cross roads? I wasn't aware there were chickens doing this. Who are these chickens?

Evangelion · 06-21-2003, 09:47 AM

I wrote my own version. I call it "The Smoking Chicken."

Saeed Al Shahaf (Iraqi Head of Information):
I am here now to tell you, we do not have any chickens in Iraq, and I don't know why that particular chicken was seen crossing the road... it is nowhere... (pause) it is nowhere, really. I can assure you that those villains will recognise, will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place.
George Tenet (CIA Director)
On the basis of this vague collection of badly-developed satellite photographs, we have concluded that there may be a chicken. Or a road. (Possibly both.) Unfortunately, our current level of technology does not allow us to determine which of these images might be the chicken and which might be the road. (That is, if either of them existed in the first place.)

At any rate, if the alleged chicken should conclude that a US led attack could no longer be deterred, he probably would become much less constrained in crossing the road.
Paul Wolfowitz (Deputy Secretary of Defense):
U.N. Security Council Resolution 1441 gave the chicken one last chance to choose an alternative road; a choice that he was obliged to take and agreed to take 12 years ago. We were under no illusions that the chicken had undergone the fundamental change of heart that underpinned the successes I just mentioned.

Nevertheless, there is still the hope - if the chicken is faced with a serious enough threat that he would otherwise be disarmed forcibly and removed from the edge of the road in question - there is still the hope that he might decide to adopt a fundamentally different road. But time is running out.
Hans Blix:
We have two problems. The first is that our inspection team needs more time to verify whether the chicken or the road is in violation of the UN Treaty. The second is that although we have found the road, we have yet to locate the chicken.

I acknowledge that our inability to find the chicken does not actually prove that the chicken itself is non-existent. By the same token, however, it does not prove that the chicken was there in the first place, let alone that it had any plans to cross the road.
Donald Rumsfeld:
Our new missiles can take out both the chicken and the road in a matter of weeks. You may have heard rumours that in previous attacks, our missiles have flown off course and destroyed turkeys by mistake. That is simply not true. The high sophistication of American weapons technology ensures that our missiles are incapable of hitting turkeys.

I am aware that there are some turkeys claiming to have been hit by one of our missiles, but they are mistaken. Yes, there was an "incident" involving some turkeys and an unidentified missile, but the missile in question was definitely not one of ours. It must have been launched by the chicken.
Tony Blair:
Intelligence reports make it clear that the chicken views his decision to cross the road and the belief overseas that he would cross it, as vital to his strategic interests and in particular his goal of regional domination. And the document discloses that his planning allows him to cross the road within 45 minutes of making that decision.

06-15-2003, 10:06 AM	#1
Sojourner553 Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Southern US Posts: 817	New Chicken Crossed the Road New- Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information What chicken? We don�t have chickens in Iraq. So how can they cross a road? GEORGE W BUSH We don't care whether the chicken crossed the road or not. The real question is whether the chicken is a terrorist. I have evidence this chicken IS a terrorist and must be stopped. WILLIAM TENET, Head of the CIA We have satellite evidence, but we cannot tell if there really is a chicken, or whether there really is a road. HANS BLIX Our inspection team needs more time to verify whether the chicken or the road is in violation of the UN Treaty. COLIN POWELL We have special intelligence the chicken may be hiding WMD in its eggs. We know suspicious activities are going on because the chicken is male. DONALD RUMSFIELD Our new efficient army can take out both the chicken and the road in a matter of weeks. TONY BLAIR The chicken will cross the road in 45 minutes, unless we attack first. WILLIAM BENNETT, JR I�ve $1000 Bucks on the Chicken that it makes it to the other side of the road. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross the road regardless of the color of their feathers. DAN QUALE How do you spell �chicken�? BILL CLINTON Will the chicken cross the road, you askl? Depends what your definition of �chicken� is? BILL GATES eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2003. ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? THE BIBLE And God shouted from the heavens, saying �THE CHICKEN SHALT CROSS THE ROAD.� And it came to pass and there was great rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one?

06-21-2003, 09:47 AM	#6
Evangelion Veteran Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Walsall, UK Posts: 1,490	I wrote my own version. I call it "The Smoking Chicken." Saeed Al Shahaf (Iraqi Head of Information): I am here now to tell you, we do not have any chickens in Iraq, and I don't know why that particular chicken was seen crossing the road... it is nowhere... (pause) it is nowhere, really. I can assure you that those villains will recognise, will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place. George Tenet (CIA Director) On the basis of this vague collection of badly-developed satellite photographs, we have concluded that there may be a chicken. Or a road. (Possibly both.) Unfortunately, our current level of technology does not allow us to determine which of these images might be the chicken and which might be the road. (That is, if either of them existed in the first place.) At any rate, if the alleged chicken should conclude that a US led attack could no longer be deterred, he probably would become much less constrained in crossing the road. Paul Wolfowitz (Deputy Secretary of Defense): U.N. Security Council Resolution 1441 gave the chicken one last chance to choose an alternative road; a choice that he was obliged to take and agreed to take 12 years ago. We were under no illusions that the chicken had undergone the fundamental change of heart that underpinned the successes I just mentioned. Nevertheless, there is still the hope - if the chicken is faced with a serious enough threat that he would otherwise be disarmed forcibly and removed from the edge of the road in question - there is still the hope that he might decide to adopt a fundamentally different road. But time is running out. Hans Blix: We have two problems. The first is that our inspection team needs more time to verify whether the chicken or the road is in violation of the UN Treaty. The second is that although we have found the road, we have yet to locate the chicken. I acknowledge that our inability to find the chicken does not actually prove that the chicken itself is non-existent. By the same token, however, it does not prove that the chicken was there in the first place, let alone that it had any plans to cross the road. Donald Rumsfeld: Our new missiles can take out both the chicken and the road in a matter of weeks. You may have heard rumours that in previous attacks, our missiles have flown off course and destroyed turkeys by mistake. That is simply not true. The high sophistication of American weapons technology ensures that our missiles are incapable of hitting turkeys. I am aware that there are some turkeys claiming to have been hit by one of our missiles, but they are mistaken. Yes, there was an "incident" involving some turkeys and an unidentified missile, but the missile in question was definitely not one of ours. It must have been launched by the chicken. Tony Blair: Intelligence reports make it clear that the chicken views his decision to cross the road and the belief overseas that he would cross it, as vital to his strategic interests and in particular his goal of regional domination. And the document discloses that his planning allows him to cross the road within 45 minutes of making that decision.

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06-15-2003, 04:12 PM	#3
Sojourner553 Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Southern US Posts: 817	yeah, I'm bad. The version of this sent me had a bunch of >> in it that I took off manually, got overzealous with the space bar and took out an extra letter.

06-17-2003, 10:23 PM	#4
Arken Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: North Hollywood, CA Posts: 6,303	Let's contribute some of our own! RUSH LIMBAUGH "But Rush!" I hear you say. "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Well, my friends, I tell you this: that is exactly what the liberal media wants you to ask. You're playing right into their hands! "But did he cross it, Rush? Did he cross it?" the liberals scream at me and I want to tell you all, friends, that the chicken is the right kind of chicken. It is a good, decent, honest chicken. It is an American chicken and with God's blessing it will get to the other side, my friends. DR. LAURA Why what? Why WHAT? Just answer the question. No, just answer- What chicken? You didn't mention a chicken before. You see? I think you just don't care about your children and- no, let me talk. You're a bad parent. A bad parent. ART BELL I'm normally a skeptic, but when I heard Dr. Hans von Reichenbachfausen's report on the aliens that were picking up chickens and putting them on the other side of the road, I was definitely convinced that there was something unexplained going on. Maybe we'll never know 'why' the chicken crossed the road or 'how' the chicken crossed the road or 'where' the chicken crossed the road, but we do know this- we don't really know anything. LOUIS FARRAKHAN The ROAD? The ROAD you ask?! The road is covered in TAR. BLACK tar. And the chicken? It is WHITE! Why did the chicken cross the road? Why did the WHITE MAN WALK ALL OVER the BLACK MAN? That's the question you should be asking! JIMMY "THE GREEK" I don't know, but I'll go double or nothin' it ends up as road pizza. JERRY SEINFELD I just don't get it. Why did the chicken cross the road? Why was there a chicken on the road in the first place? Do chickens usually walk on roads? Why a road? Who came up with the idea of putting chickens on roads anyway? And cross? Why did the chicken cross the road? Why didn't he Star of David the road? I need answers, people! LARRY KING Chickens are crossing roads more and more frequently these days. I once had a dog named Betsy but I decided instead to go to college. If you have to see one film this year, make it 'Finding Nemo' certainly the greatest comedy ever made. Shoes are comfortable and useful to protect the feet. (etc.) JOEY BISHOP Because Frankie said so. AGNOSTIC The chicken could have crossed the road but I would have to see it for myself to be certain. RANDIAN OBJECTIVIST Damn the chicken! I'm crossing it!

06-20-2003, 04:20 PM	#5
ody Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Athens, Ohio, USA Posts: 16	JERRY SEINFELD I just don't get it. Why did the chicken cross the road? Why was there a chicken on the road in the first place? Do chickens usually walk on roads? Why a road? Who came up with the idea of putting chickens on roads anyway? And cross? Why did the chicken cross the road? Why didn't he Star of David the road? I need answers, people! or Jerry Seinfeld Why do chickens cross roads? I wasn't aware there were chickens doing this. Who are these chickens?

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