capnkirk

BlondeGoddess:

After browsing through the responses to your query, there is one observation that has not been touched on.

Intellectual divorce from theistic belief invariably precedes the emotional divorce. The rational intellect has recognized the loss, but the irrational emotional self lags behind. That is the point that you seem to be at...having rationally concluded that the god you had accepted doesn't exist, but emotionally you still want the comfort and security that belief provided.

Just as it is natural to grieve over the loss of a loved one, it is natural to grieve over the loss of your faith. In both cases, the grief "work" involves bringing the emotional self to accept what the rational self has concluded. There are four stages of grief: denial, anger, negotiation, and acceptance. A full and coherent treatment of the terms and the process would require a book (and there are many books on grief processing available), so I won't expand on that here. (I would be more than happy to do so via PM, at your request.)

Here are some insights and revelations that I found to be very helpful in my personal grief work after my deconversion:

Consider the xtian rite of receiving forgiveness. You haven't lost that. The process and its therapeutic value remain. You have only to recognize that it is YOU (and always has been you) who were forgiving yourself! Does the lack of a placebo invalidate the process? NO it doesn't. Nothing else has changed, not the prerequisite for remorse, not the release from guilt.

Consider the act of prayer. Save the process...just remove the placebo. Realize that the comfort and reassurance that were there before are still there because you were doing it all by yourself all along! The only thing that has changed is that now you know it. If you can understand this, then you have grasped the only diference between prayer and therapeutic meditation.

Your sense of right and wrong hasn't changed, now that atheism has deprived them of theistic authority. They were your concepts all along.

I think that you can see the principle involved here. Apply it to your emotional wounds as you perceive them. I found this realization to be more than helpful...I dound it to be ESSENTIAL.

Just as Dumbo realized that he could fly without his "magic" feather, I realized that I could still be everything I was before, except deluded. All I had really cast out was my delusion.

Giorgia

Hi, Blond...!
You are getting a lot of extremely insighful advice from everyone; and a little practical advice from a few -- here's some more from me:
About the computer: get on the internet from your local library, create a new, free e-mail address for yourself, and set yourself up to be able to "come and go" on this site without having to do so from home; then delete every cookie, etc. from IIDB (there are many!) from your home computer.
About the even remote possibility of winding up in divorce court: start preparing yourself NOW: open a bank account in your name (in a neighboring city, if you have to); get a post office box at some mail station; if there is a dedicated voice-mail company in your area, get your own phone number on their system; rent a small storage locker and start taking items which are priceless to you (from your childhood, school years, baby pictures) and squirrel them away in safety; do the same with a couple of sets of clothing, and also put in a supply of ordinary toiletry items and non-perishable food, just in case you wind up having to storm out of the house at a moment's notice; and do things like taking your engagement ring to the jewelers "to be cleaned" (it's a pawnable asset you might need in an emergency).
About the marriage: definitely try to get your husband into marriage counselling -- if you can find a way to have him suggest it, that would be best. Meanwhile, consult with a divorce attorney about any steps you might need to take to keep your credit rating safe, get custody of your children. etc.
IT IS NOT DEFEATIST TO PLAN AHEAD THIS WAY!!! Remember, YOU are the one looking out for you now!
PS: If your brother is an agnostic, doesn't that give you one completely safe person to confide in/run to as necessary? I sure hope so...

AspenMama

I agree with Giorgia-- prepare some things for you and your children, in case you need to leave.

beth

Thanks guys. I'm already deleting cookies and history trail. I haven't yet done storage or anything like that. I am squirreling money away. I'm also well aware of community property and I'd rather it increase before anything happens. It is soon to increase. I have many antiques and valuable things, but I'm willing to part with them. I'll let him face his mother's wrath if he destroys them. I just hope things don't come to that. I do like your advice Giorgia. You are very level headed. I like people who plan ahead and give sound advice.

beth

My nine year old talked to me about God last night. He had many questions. He said that the main thing that puzzles him about God is that he just came from nothing. He said how could god just *poof* appear out of nothing. He asked if God perhaps could be an alien being or if he's truly real. I just blankly stared at him in fear and bit my tongue. This was just as my husband was walking in. I then told him that many people don't believe in God because of this. He asked me if God was untrue. I asked him what he believed. I then told him that he needs to find things out for himself and not to let others think for him. I don't want to take a little kids belief in God away from him. I guess I'd make a good polititian.....

Godless Dave

Beautiful. That was absolutely the best thing to say in that situation.

I understand your concerns about not taking the belief in God away from your kids, but I'm here to tell you from my personal experience that kids who grow up without a belief in God can turn out just fine. Here's my atheist testimony: Part 1 Part 2.

I hope you don't feel you copped out with your son. At some point he should probably know you don't believe - but it's far more important to teach him to think for himself.

beth

Thanks, Dave. I guess I needed a little encouragement. I just read your testimony. Very interesting.

southernhybrid

I also think you did exactly the right thing with your son. I was so determined that my son wouldn't be brainwashed that I exposed him to many religions and told him to carefully investigate and come to his own conclusions. I never even told him I was an atheist until he was about 12 or 13. Actually I was a confused agnostic when he was younger.


I think it's best when children are exposed to many religions, and then encouraged to use their own reasoning skills to come to their own conclusions about matters of spirituality. Many atheists wouldn't agree with that, but I wanted to stay as neutral as possible because I had so much resentment about the way I had been raised and indoctrinated by my very evangelical Xian parents.

By allowing your son to question and explore, he'll never feel pressured to conform to something simply because you believe it. When he's older you'll have plenty of opportunities to explain how your beliefs have changed over time and I think he'll respect you for that.

.

copernicus

Sounds like he could become a regular on IIDB. Did you tell him to consider a major in philosophy when he gets to college?

beth

I almost told my husband tonight. I felt overwelmed with guilt over keeping this from him. He told me that my heart was golden. I asked him what he meant. He told me he saw the love of the lord in me and i show it to everyone. I started asking him typical ensnaring questions, the kind most guys avoid. One was whether he would have married me if I had been a Buddist...or an atheist. He said no, he didn't go along with that belief. I then asked if he'd love me if I were now a Buddist... or an atheist. He said no. If my heart is so golden, why does my faith depend on it? Since I've lost my faith, I've been an even nicer and more considerate person. I've valued the lives of others as well as mine even more.