cheetah

OK all, here's the situation. My friend and I went out last night, as our respective partners were out on a trip together, so we decided to have a girls night. We went to this little bar/club I have never been to and were approached by about 6 or 7 guys over the course of the evening. Uniquely, we were actually able to talk and kinda dance with these guys and they were interesting people, so we had long, fun convos with them. At the end of each one though, each guy would ask one of us about getting in contact, dinner, lunch, etc. and we had to break the news that we were unavailable. There were a couple times that I was able to work into the convo earlier on that I had a partner (they still asked at the end, "So, that partner, is he a business partner?"), but sometimes I wasn't able to. I didn't know whether I should feel bad because one guy bought us drinks, and all the guys spent quite a long time talking to us. I felt more guilty than just when I dance with some other guy, because usually there's not much talking involved, and I know I'm very loyal to my partner, but somehow, intellectual contact like that seems more meaningful.

So, here's my question: Would a guy prefer to know right away that we are unavailable so as not to "waste" time talking to us (We were both wearing rings, so they ought to have known from that, but they didn't notice)? Or might they just be pleased, as we were, that there was interesting convo, even if nothing came of it? I don't think I can just tell a guy right when he walks up to me that I'm taken cuz that's presumptuous, but I think it's really hard to get up the nerve to ask people out, and when you're having a fun conversation and maybe getting your hopes up only to find it would have never happened, that seems pretty crappy. Finally, is it a comfort to hear things like, "Well, if I wasn't taken, I would say yes." or " I would definitely enjoy a lunch sometime, but I have to mention I'm in a committed relationship." or does that just seem like false pity (it was actually true, and I was hoping to let them know I did enjoy them)?

Anyway, it was a really fun night, and I was surprised to meet so many interesting and fun guys, but always feel a little bad at the end. How do you think men in general would prefer to be treated in this situation?

Dank

The considerate thing to do is to let them know you're unavailable ASAP. They are wasting time when they could be meeting other girls.

Loren Pechtel

Rings don't always mean unavailable. Tell them early on.

cheetah

So you guys don't think it is presumptuous for a woman to say, after learning the man's name, "Hi, my name is Jane, but I should tell you now, I am in a committed relationship."? I think the guy would probably get the dual feelings of rejection and anger and I would get an insulting reply!

Bible Humper

Hahaha. You seem to have been born without the talent for innuendo that the rest of your sex was born with. You'll probably get lots of practical advice in the form of exact scripts from other Infidel women, but I'll lend my $0.02 Canadian anyway.

You should have a funny and/or interesting story that includes your spouse which you can tell early on in the encounter in a natural "Listen to what happened to me today" kind of way. This is MUCH better than a vague reference to "a partner", and still lets you avoid having to be direct about it.

You should know that I, and quite a few other guys, won't even miss a beat when you tell us you're married. Married women, in MANY cases, are only moderately less available than single women. The only way to find out for sure is to continue.

The kind of guy whose self esteem is low enough to make him feel terrible about rejection will bail out early after you tell him indirectly about your husband.

Remember that many of the guys who approach in bars are not as confident as they might seem, and would never dream of approaching you sober on the street. It's called "liquid courage".

As for the rest of us, lots of rejection is the price of big success, and even the rude blow-outs slide over like water off a muskrat's ass. Don't worry about it.

Well, buying drinks for women has a well known meaning in the courtship game, so you should know that the guy who bought you the drinks interpreted your acceptance as a positive response to his pickup attempt. If he knows early that you're married, then you can accept his gifts with a clear conscience. (As if you should feel guilty anyways!).



No, don't worry about that at all, the kind of guy who interprets the exchange as a "waste of my time" if he doesn't get the punnani is just a dick anyway. When I hear "I'm taken" right out of the gate, I interpret that to either mean that some aspect of my approach made her reject me in between the time she saw me coming and when I opened, or if I blindsided her then possibly it is just that knee-jerk defensive reaction that many women develop to deal with the constant barrage of men. That's why street pickups are superior, you can more easily slip in under the radar

If you let him know early, but not immediately, he will be happy that the exchange went well at all, even though it turned out to be a NOGO.

NONONONONONO!!!!

If I heard this, I would already be starting to think about how I'm going to isolate you from your friend so that you're free from the watchful eyes of anyone you know, and can be your slutty self

Don't imply in ANY way that "if only you were single". This is a bright green light, LOL. If a woman is attracted to you, you can overcome a relationship objection in most cases.

While it's true that low confidence guys would give up the chase if you told them this, they would have much earlier anyway if you had told a story including your husband in it.

As for those of us who fight on regardless, we aren't the type who view a rejection as an assault upon our inner childs, so don't worry at all about making these guys feel bad.

Like I said before, the fact that the interaction was positive at all will make the guy feel good about it, even though he didn't get into your undies.

MasterJackass

To me, it seems as if bible thumper is saying that a more confident man would continue interaction, such as intellectual conversations and going to lunch etc. I see things differently as in once you are a "friend" to a woman you will most likely forever be a "friend". Low selfesteem men who come down with a case of onenitis are, from my experience, usually these friends. Just a different point of view here.

As for the original post. Its a good idea to get the point across that you have zero interest in pursuing any other type of relationship with the man except friendship. Sure, some men would probably just like to sit down and have a chat or a salad, but the majority of men don't want just that. Guys in bars aren't looking for stimulating conversation and new friends. If a guy still wants to secretly love you after you've told him your not interested than thats his problem because you've done your part.

Good luck and sorry if this isn't what you wanted to read.

Bible Humper

I have no clue what I said, or didn't say, that gave you this impression. I would NOT advocate continuing the interaction by being "a friend". If you could point out what I wrote that gave you this impression, I'd appreciate it so I could make myself clearer.

You are right about it being extremely tough to change the friendship situation once it has come about.

MasterJackass

I think I misinterpreted what you were saying. Some of your post sounded like people who don't continue to try and get the girl are the low self esteem guys. I think I understand better now that you meant if a girl seems to show some type of interest, that a more determined man would continue.
For some reason I interpreted that as being an emotional tampon of an uninterested woman, but after rereading what you said, I think you meant if the woman shows some interest initially. Sorry about that. Its about 300 degrees in my house right now and my concentration took the car and left for a cooler state.

godfry n. glad

I think you ought to size up your suitors and if you don't want anything to do with them, tell'em "No."

However, if he's handsome and you want a brief thrill, you should smile beguilingly and tell him, "As long as you know you'll get no further with me than a dance, I'd looooove that dance." Wait two beats, and say, "Maybe two." Smile beguilingly again. Enjoy the dance or two, then let him decide how he wants to waste his time. Tell him the truth then, if he persists. Talk about your husband.

Let'em down early and easy....and with a compliment, if possible.

godfry

Sakpo

Guys who approach you at the bar aren't trying to make a new platonic friend, they're looking for romance/sex. I think it's extremely rude to engage in long conversations with them, or allow them to buy you drinks, if there's no possibility of romance and/or sexual activity, unless you've made your lack of interest very clear. It's somewhat misleading, and is a waste of time for the guy. I don't think any mentally stable guy would be insulted or hurt by a woman he'd approached quickly mentioning her commited relationship, even if she couldn't introduce it into the conversation gracefully. If the guy accepts that and sticks around great, but he ought to be told promptly.