never been there

Uh-oh:

Becoming an atheist (or something) is going to be a piece of cake compared to telling him you're becoming a feminist.

beth

Look, I think I've misrepresented my husband. He isn't quite the brute I implied. He just wants what's best. He thinks that is Christianity.

David M. Payne

Interesting thread you have going here BG. Don't let the theists like Radorth get you down. They can be a pretty self-righteous bunch, especially when they see someone leaving the flock. Here is another piece you may find amusing, and useful for yourself and your family as you move away from the concept of God/religion. It's a little piece I did for the Sec-Web a couple of months back called, "The Story of Bob." Enjoy, and good luck on your journey.

David

"God and religion, the oldest scam in history, and it still sucks them in today, so free your mind, and your body will follow!"

beth

Thank you. That was definitely interesting. I'm still having trouble reading such 'blasphemous' things.

openeyes

BG. I also think this has turned into a very interesting thread. I've learned for example, the difference between pantheism vs atheism. I also plan to read, when I'm in a "deeper" mood, the essay Bill mentioned "The Mental Discomfort of Why?" I think it may be useful in helping my 15 year old deal with his struggle of "big picture" questions.

Parenting isn't easy, but it is possible to raise well-adjusted, moral kids without bringing religion into it. Instead of focusing on what "God" or "Jesus" would want your kids to do, instead try to get them to think about the consequences of the actions as it affects them in this life. Are their choices likely to increase their chances of contentment done the road? (For example, with your drug using friends, you might point out to your kids that regular use often gets people in trouble if that's what you think.) Are they meeting their reasonable obligations to others? (For example, do they expect mom and dad to do everything around the house or are they doing their share?) Replace the wonder of "god" with the wonder of nature, art, music or satisfaction at proficiency in some area. It can be simple things.

I actually think it's a lot easier figuring right from wrong if you don't get it all convoluted with religious dogma and practices. I know I read a lot of parenting books when the kids were younger and found useful information based on study.

So far, so good. They kids aren't without their faults by any means, but overall, I think they're wonderful people! (OK, so I'm a little biased.)

southernhybrid

Hello again blonde goddess. I'm sorry for the confusion over the pantheist remark although it looks like Bill did a good job of bailing me out. I agree that now is not the best time to share your new beleifs with your immediate family.

I do think this is a good time for you to learn gradually to be more assertive, and more interested in what's best for you as well as others. I was raised in a similar religious atmosphere as you. Maybe not quite as extreme. We were conservative Baptists. My father often strutted around saying things like, The man is the head of the house. It's God's law that the man is the one who makes the decisions.

I abandoned that mind set long ago, and yet in many ways I'm a traditionally feminine woman and am currently financially dependent on my husband. At the same time, my marriage is egalitarian. I know I could support myself if I had to do it. I don't ever have to ask my husband what I can read or how I can decorate. While your husband may not be a brute, I find his comments a bit shocking, unless of course he was just kidding with you. I think that in time you will need to learn how to become more assertive or you will feel very frustrated. You want to be a good role model for your children. Regardless of their gender, they need to see that a woman can be strong and independent and still be a loving mother and wife. Now that you're beginning to seriously question conservative Xian values, I doubt you'd want your own children to grow up with the idea that women's thoughts and ideas are to be controlled. We still have too many people who think that way.


At this point, I don't think you need to make any big changes. I think you just need to do a lot of thinking and reading. Change can come gradually. If your husband is a good man who truly loves you, he should accept these changes in you over time. People do tend to grow and mature over time. None of us are exactly like we were when we first married our partners.

On a lighter note, when I first told my young church friends that I no longer accepted Xianity as truth, they looked at me wide eyed and said, Don't be such a deep thinker. Those words only confirmed my doubts. Here I thought they would be so excited that I had found out that Xianity was all a big hoax and they just wanted to put their hands over their ears, and close their minds. Have you had any of those responses yet?

I know you have a lot to reflect on. Try and take it slowly. At least for now, your mind has been set free. The truth shall set you free! That's one of my favorite and true Bible verses.

beth

I am very assertive in most things in my marriage. Religion is the one issue that I know he will not bend on. This is what's so hard about this, because if it were anything else, I'd be in his face making sure he accepted my opinion, whether he liked it or not. But this is totally different. We were married based on religious reasons. Our marriage has been fairly religious. My children are not as religious as I, by any means. I for some reason, could not burn the Bible into them. In fact I am not even sure if they know any verses. So in this mannor, I was not a very good Christian mother. I do discuss theology with them. They are always asking questions about God. I need time right now on this issue to feel my way around. I do appreciate your advice. I think if not for external pressures, I would be less reluctant to speak with him about this.

Vicar Philip

blondegoddess,

I can state with absolute knowledge that religious differences in a marriage can quite quickly erupt into a VERY nasty affair. How does your husband feel about your children not being raised Christian? If he reacts like my wife did, look out.

You said your kids aren't as religious as you were, so I guess that's a good sign. The question is, are they as religious as your husband? Were you more religious than him?

I didn't realize how religious my wife really was until all hell broke loose in my marriage. It's amazing how the A-word can really set people off.

beth

Thanks Vicar. You've just confirmed my fear. I'm looking at a nasty blowout and probably a custody battle. That's why I'm really trying to figure this one out.

I was the religious one. My husband was the partier, but if anyone dissed his God, lookout! He, at times, is very devoted to his faith. I guess it just depends on his mood. I know that he will truly do what he think is right. I know what he thinks is right. He is very loving, but I think that this will turn his love.

My children believe in Jesus. I've always taught them of a loving Jesus, but I never told them much of the Bible. They know the basic stories, i.e., Adam and Eve, the flood, moses, you know the bible stories in the children's bibles. But I was bad and usually read Harry Potter, instead. That caused a few clashes. Occasionally when I was at my wits end, I'd spout the 'Honor thy mother and thy father' bit.

So I'm very sick over all this right now. I wish I had never bothered to open my eyes.

captainpabst

Wishing you had chosen the blue pill instead of the red? (Matrix (movie) reference)

BG, if you haven't read all of Vicar's "Strummin' for Jesus" thread or brettc's "Fundy wife brainwashed kids" thread, you might find them...rivoting.

If you're going to let your feelings be known to your family, I suggest letting them unravel nice and slow, over a period of many months. Always attempt to remain calm and rational if it comes down to a 'discussion' about religion.

I think what brett said here is right on:

And ultimately, if it comes down to it, you're a young woman yet. There is time to start over, although I know that idea is practically unthinkable at this juncture. I'm sorry for your turmoil, and I hope things work out for you.