Definitely Maybe

Beth, just wanted to add that I can relate. I'm having a hell of a year twisting my way through how to handle my slowly degrading faith. I have such a huge support network at church and just about every family member is a believer, including my wife. Thankfully, as I've shared my doubts they haven't been condemning. Nobody has. Not one friend or relative. But, I don't think they quite realize how far I've gone. I just keep playing "devil's advocate" so that when that one day comes it won't be such a shock.

The approval of parents is amazing, huh? I'm pushing 40 and this past weekend was kind of dragged to a church I've never been to before. HUGE HUGE church with rock music and younger worshippers. I sat there with my arms crossed, just wanting to get out of there. All day long my mother talked about the great sermon... and she loves to pepper her talk about Christian-this and Christian-that. By dinner time, in a restaurant, I couldn't take it anymore and took on my wife, father and mother. haha Actually, as heated as it got, it was still me playing devil's advocate, but they all sense the devil is me! Anyway, I bite my tongue so much not wanting to disrespect or hurt them. Most of the time there is no point in doing that.

I do not look forward to possible relationship ties being cut soon though. Religion has been a good thing for me most of my life, but even so... truth takes priority.

Darwin26

thread here; The testamonials are very moving . I so appreciatet the sharing. It's incredible to watch and sense people as yourselves who were augered into this mass of deception and are now feeling the friction as you unscrew yourself from it.

And perhaps is like getting sober...life isn't going to be all that different but the self induced stupper isn't there, you become self actualizing and reality isn't left to the invisible shields and invisible demons, old man in rocking chair taking names, always being under this shadow of surveilence...by some superpower ...

prayer is like drinking... a mental wish for things to be otherwise... but in fact it's the hijacking of reason and the ability to be self actualizing.

i hope the best for all of you struggling to be FREE

beth

Yes, the testimonials are moving and I've received a few very touching PM's. I appreciate it. I guess what I am feeling is a normal part of deconversion. It does help to know that I am not just some pathetic nut job, whining about non-existent things. Sometimes I feel like that. It helps me to know that others have faced similar things, it authenticates what I've been going through and for some reason, helps me deal with it better. So thank you.

christ-on-a-stick

Hi beth,

First off I'd like to add my condolences to the others that have been offered here. I know how difficult this situation has been for you and can empathize with certain aspects of your struggles.

That being said, I had a few thoughts on a few of the things you have said and I truly hope that my comments don't come off as harsh, these are just things that I feel very strongly about. Others have already touched on this one but my .02 -
While I understand this feeling, really think about this statement. How can this be? Your life is all that is truly yours and yours alone; only you can live your life and at its end, only you have to accept how you lived it. You cannot live your life for someone else (well one *can* but I don't believe truly happily). Certainly your husband, and not even your children when they are grown and independent, will live their lives for you; while interconnectedness is vitally important IMO to the human experience and fulfillment, the bottom line (again IMO) is that we have to be true to ourselves first.

Secondly I'd like to say a few words about how I see the nature of "love". (eek, that sounded preacherish! ) Setting aside the parent-child relationship but focusing more on the relationship with your husband and family members, it occurs to me that what is most hurtful to you (and understandably so) is the idea that if you don't believe certain things you will lose their love.

But if someone really loves you for YOU, will that happen? And if it does, what does that say about what "love" means to them?

Again please don't take that in the wrong way. My first marriage ended for many reasons but my loss of faith was a large contributing factor, and near the end I realized that while my husband did love me, in a way he loved *more* the "me that he wanted me to be". Not me for who I really was. And that wasn't enough for me. I am not making any judgement on your personal relationship as I am obviously not qualified to do so, but this is something I think is important to think about. Is it enough for you to receive love that has that sort of condition?

I do wish the best for you in whatever path you take, but please remember that you are a valuable person despite having "lost your religion" and you do yourself the greatest disservice if you allow anyone to make you believe differently.