KnightWhoSaysNi

This one too....

The fundamentalist "to do" list...

For example:

Strawberry

I had no idea I was such an awful person. I'm glad they told me, or I might never have come to know such glorious guilt and shame associated with...having been born...?

Tercel

Can someone smart explain this one to me in words of one syllable? I honestly completely and utterly don't get it. Am I dumb, or is there nothing to get?
Is Sephiroth right in interpreting it as an attempt to muddle "descend from apes and co-evolved with apes"?

beyelzu

I kind of took it like, atheists are just like apes. or they are apish. some crap like that.

or given that many of the target audience for the list dont believe in evoluion, maybe the author's think that they are pointing to something thats just so incredibly obiously stupid.

schu

I'll take a stab at that, seeing as my vocabulary is composed almost exclusively of one syllable words.

Are not both parts of the statement "descended from apes and co-evolved with apes" true? Wasn't the progenitor of all modern apes including humans an ape?

Whoever wrote this isn't trying to "muddle" anything. They will flat tell you they have nothing in common with a monkey. They don't distinguish between a monkey and an ape. Most can't count to five either, else they would count the fingers on their hand and the hand of a monkey.

People who really believe the Bible know that humans are the result of special creation, It says it right in there. Those who try to gloss over that fact and believe that we are the result of evolution clearly don't believe the Bible.

(Think about it.) You xians who believe we humans are the result of evolution are really fundie atheists. I only wish you would start acting more like it!

Vorkosigan

Hey these are funny! Let's go through them just for fun!

1.You become upset when a Christian says that not everything in the Bible should be taken literally.

Atheist: What principle do we use to ascertain which parts shouldn't be taken literally?
Christian: Ahhh.....err......uhhhh... <rummages through pocket for coin to flip>

2.You find you have a grudging respect for fundy theists
for 'sticking to their guns' even while complaining they don't think
for themselves.

Ah, we get to have our cake and eat it too....

3.You dislike how liberal theists try to interpret the Bible for
themselves, while you create your own interpretations of the Bible for yourself: (a) Exodus 34 contains a new set of 10 Commandments; (b) Jesus asked His disciples to slay all His enemies.

Atheist: Which interpretation of the Bible is the right one?
Christian: Mine!

4.'Thinking for yourself' means adopting an atheist viewpoint.

Galling, isn't it?

5.Any scholar who believes in a historical Jesus must be a theist. If they are an atheist, then they must secretly want to be a theist.

Atheist: What is Professor X's methodology for making historical determinations in the NT literature?
Christian: Ummm....er.......uh....<brightens> let me tell you about the right interpretation of this passage <rummages in pocket for coin>

6.You demand that theists explain news items where bad things have happened to theists, even though no theists on the board have claimed that belief in God is some kind of a lucky charm that wards off bad luck.

Christian: god loves us all, like his own children.
Atheist: Yes, I am always delighted when my children spend five days dying after being trapped in the mud up to their waist in an earthquake.

7.You demand that theists explain news items where theists do bad things, even though no theists on the board have claimed that it is impossible for theists to do bad things.

Atheist: "Good people do good things, and bad people do bad things, but to get good people to do bad things -- that takes religion."

8.You became an atheist when you were 10 years old, based on ideas of God that you learned in Sunday School. Your ideas about God haven't changed since.

11 years old, and I learned about god from....Isaac Asimov!

9.You think that the primary aim of an omnibenevolent God is for people to have FUN.

Puritanism: the nagging fear that somewhere, somebody is having fun!

10.You believe that extra drippy ice-cream is a logical proof against the existence of God, because an omniscient God would know how to stop the ice-cream from being extra drippy, an omnipotent God would have the ability to stop the
ice-cream from being extra drippy, and by golly, an omnibenevolent God wouldn't want your ice-cream to be extra drippy.

Christian: god loves us.
Headline: Religious terrorists crash aircraft into World Trade Center, 2000 mostly religious believers die horribly in fire and building collapse, including 300 self-sacrificing firemen.

11.When you say "I don't know" you are being brave and honest. When a theist says "I don't know" they are being dishonest and are trying to dodge the question.

Atheist: I believe when I have evidence and argument, and there is not enough of either, so I don't know.
Christian: Jebus says so! I don't know why! I don't care about evidence and argument!

12.When your thoughts on any complex matter are sensible and clear, and a theist's thoughts on any complex matter are mental gymnastics.

Christian: I worship one god who is three, but I am not a polytheist.
Atheist: Xanax, please.

13.You leave 'freethought' tracts lying around, like the littering
missionaries.

Atheist: Have a freethought tract.
Christian: Have some missionaries! We'll stamp out your native culture, destroy your local religion, cooperate with US intelligence agencies and global corporations, and ship your money home! And if you are really, really good, we might let you be servants in our house.....

14.You have actually calculated an estimate of the number of people drowned in The Flood.

Atheist: So when did the Flood occur?
Christian: It was in 4004 BC, at nine in the morning, on.....

16.You debate (argue, vilify, etc.) as if every theist was a Jack
Chick fan.

17.You can quote from the bible better than most missionaries...at least the parts where someone dies.

Christian: You only know the parts of the Bible where someone dies!
Atheist: Oh? Are you going to introduce me to the other 2%?

18.The only Commandments you know are the ones that are
unconstitutional.

Christian: I think that US law is based on the Ten Commandments
Atheist: 7 of 10 are unconstitutional.

19.You can't remember if she was Mother or Sister Teresa, but you can name every pedophile priest listed in the media over the last seven years.

Nonsense. Nobody could remember so many names....

20.You label all scholars that actually believe the Bible as "biased fundies" while those who don't believe it are known as "honest" and "accepted scholarship."

Christian:....and then there's Ben Witherington, a Christian scholar of integrity.
Headline: Witherington signs lucrative contract to write book on fraudulent James Ossuary

21.You believe that planes, computers, calculators, compasses, etc, were "all obviously designed," yet the human body, being intricately more complex was "obviously a product of biological evolution." It seems the more complex the apparatus, the more obvious the "fact" that it was not designed.

From Harper's Magazine:
Number of deaths from mechanical failures in large aircraft every year: a few hundred
Number of deaths from design failures in human body every year: millions.
Number of mechanical defects deliberately designed by humans to induce failure in aircraft systems: zero
Number of viruses deliberately designed to cause illness in humans: thousands
Number of reproductive acts by aircraft every year: zero
Number of reproductive acts by biological systems every year: trillions.

22.You believe that when our forefathers are framing the
Constitution, they're staunch deists, but when they're beating their slaves, they're Bible-believing Christians.

Number of times god mentioned in Constitution: zero
Number of major Christian denominations supporting slavery until outlawed by secular government: almost all
Year last major secular government outlawed slavery: US, 1865.
Year last major Christian denomination outlawed slavery: 1917 (Catholic Church)
Number of humanist parties running on pro-slavery platforms: 0
Number of Secular parties running on pro-slavery platforms:0
Number of Christian parties running on pro-slavery platforms: 1

23.Although you've memorized a half a dozen proofs that He doesn't exist, you still think you're God's gift to the ignorant masses.

Hey! Now that one is funny!

24.As a member of the Skeptic's Society you pride yourself on being skeptical of extraordinary claims. You also pride yourself on
silencing everyone who is skeptical of the extraordinary claims of
evolution.

Christian: [ignores last three hundred years of modern science]
Atheist: Xanax, please.

25.Issac Newton does not count as an example of a great scientist who believed in the Bible since he died before the Origin of Species was published.

Christian: Newton was great Christian scientist!
Atheist: Newton was Arian and heretic. Would have been dismissed from university posts if discovered.

26.You believe the astronomical size of the universe somehow
disproves God, as if God needed a tiny universe in order to exist.

Christian has clearly confused some atheist argument here....so dumb cannot reply.

27.You think that Christianity is a 'virulent memeplex' and that
atheism is the 'cure.'

Christianity: Atheists can't be in the Boy Scouts, but ministers who rape children should be allowed to stay in the ministry.

28.You think you have refuted the whole Trilemma because you've added another alternative to it.

Christian: You think you have refuted the whole Trilemma because you've added another alternative to it!
Atheist: <thinking> Clearly this christian doesn't understand logic. Should I attempt education......<rummages in pocket for coin> Nope. Xanax, please.

29.You think that the Declaration of Independence is unconstitutional because it mentions "the creator".

Christian: The Declaration of Independence mentions the Creator!
Atheist: <thinking> Clearly this christian doesn't understand basic American history. Should I attempt education......<rummages in pocket for coin> Nope. Xanax, please.

30.On, that basis, You think that the Declaration is therefore void and the United States should return to British rule.

We're getting a wee....

31.When it is returned to British rule, you plan to go straight to London and tell those Brits that having the Anglican church as a state church violates the constitutional separation of church and state.

....bit.....carried away with ourselves.

32.When you watch a punt returner run a 93 yard touchdown, you marvel at what evolution has done for the human race. But when someone gets cancer, you blame God for it.

Things we will never hear....
Christian athlete: Thank you Jesus, for letting me lose this game in overtime this week!

33.When you use a historical point to prove Christianity is false (i.e., pagan parallel to Christianity), history is objective truth. When a Christian uses real historical scholarship to prove you false, history was written by subjective men and therefore cannot be trusted.

Christian: See? Professor Grant thinks the New Testament shows Jesus was a <adds another historical Jesus to growing pile>
Atheist: Historical methodology please? No, check that. Just pass the xanax.

34.You dismiss any attempt to harmonize the resurrection accounts by saying "one says A, the other says B, but none say A+B", then go on to offer your own elaborate conspiracy theory of what happened to the Jesus' body, describing A+B+C+D, none of which are said ANYWHERE let alone together.

Christian: See? And Professor Brown thinks that Jesus was a <adds another historical Jesus to growing pile>.
Atheist: <groan> Xanax, industrial strength, please.

35.You always refer to C.S. Lewis as "that traitor."

The humor in this is quite forced.

36.You think that Isaac Asimov was a world-class authority in
Biblical Studies.

Christian: You think Isaac Asimov was a world-class authority in
Biblical Studies!
Atheist: You think celibate clergy are authorities on sex!

37.You make a point of referring to Jesus as "Yeshua" and to God as "Yahweh".

Christian: how dare you call Jesus by his hebrew name! Speak English, just like Jesus did!

38.You ALSO make a point of never capitalizing 'god'. (So true on this forum)

god...god...god....god....ah.....feels good! don't think I need xanax after that.

39.You feel that Marilyn Manson is really, really profound.

Christian: You're so dumb! You think Marilyn Manson is really profound! Also, I worship three gods, but I am a monotheist.

40.You desperately wish that Stalin and Mao hadn't been atheists.

Atheist: No. We wish they had never been at all. Unlike Christians, we don't think the suffering they caused has any place in the world.

41.You're saving up to move to some more enlightened place, like Sweden.

Christian President Bush: "Atheists aren't really citizens."

42.You feel that the separation of church and state is a much more important issue than abortion, euthanasia, or infanticide.

Christian 1: My religion is right!
Christian 2: No, mine is!
Founding Father: <1700 years of religious warfare later> You know, maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to separate Church and State...
Christian 1: My religion is right!
Christian 2: No, mine is!

43.You label any change whatsoever in Christian theology or behavior as 'secularization.'

Sorry. Don't detect any irony here. Explain please.

44.You're infuriated by the term "village atheist." You prefer "right-thinking urban humanist."

Almost a joke.

45.You can gladly believe any number of conflicting philosophical positions, as long as they're atheistic!

Christian: God is a Trinity.

46.You think if a Christian won't address your arguments, they are too frightened to do so, or know they can't answer them; but if they do address your arguments, you think it is because they
are "threatened" by them.

Christian: I'm not threatened by you, but please stop writing "god" with a little "g."

47.When a Christian offers you his own "experience" as evidence for God, you consider it stupid and subjective. But when he offers you historical, philosophical and scientifical evidence, you consider it too inconclusive and claim that you need to see God to believe in Him.

Christian: What experience would make you think you have seen god?
Atheist: Which god?

48.You spell "God" with a lower case "g," add an "E" to "B.C.," and replace the word "Christ" with an "x." Yet, when asked to name the planets you have no problem with spouting out the appropriate list of Roman Gods. Heck, you'll even spell them with capital letters!

Christian: What is this, adding an "E" to "B.C.?"
Atheist: It's called academic usage. Learn it.

49.When a Christian's interpretation of a passage (based on the social/literary context) solves one of your favorite contradictions, it is only their personal interpretation, and can be dismissed as such. But your interpretation (based on a "plain" reading of the text) to arrive at the contradiction in the first place is entirely objective, and is obviously THE correct interpretation.

Christian 1: My intepretation is right!
Christian 2: No, mine is!
<20,000 denominations later>
Christian 1: My interpretation is right!
Christian 2: No, mine is!

50. You really look forward to posting on THC's Christianity forum because you think it might make a few more people convert to atheism.

Christian: I come over to Infidels any time I want!
Atheist: <scratches head> Well, I was kicked off Baptist Board, and Harun Yahaya shut down when too many people asked questions, and ChristianForums banned me, and ICR doesn't let non-creationists post, and ARN shuts down whenever the anti-ID crowd gets too effective.....

Great list! I hope next time you can come up with some funny ones! Problem is, it is hard to really make fun of thoroughly rational positions....

Vorkosigan

Mediancat

Vorkosigan wrote,



Oh, bravo. Bravo.

Rob aka Mediancat

Mediancat

I'm going to try a couple of my own responses here.

2.You find you have a grudging respect for fundy theists
for 'sticking to their guns' even while complaining they don't think
for themselves.

Why would I have respect for someone "sticking to their guns" in the face of so much evidence to the contrary? Self-imposed blindesss isn't admirable.

[b]

4.'Thinking for yourself' means adopting an atheist viewpoint.

No, it just means being rational. If this leads to an atheist viewpoint, well . . .

5.Any scholar who believes in a historical Jesus must be a theist. If they are an atheist, then they must secretly want to be a theist.

Any scholar who believes in a historical CHRIST must be a theist. Jesus is debatable.



8.You became an atheist when you were 10 years old, based on ideas of God that you learned in Sunday School. Your ideas about God haven't changed since.

Half-right; I became an atheist when I was ten years old, based on science I read in books. My refutations have grown more sophisticated since.


10.You believe that extra drippy ice-cream is a logical proof against the existence of God, because an omniscient God would know how to stop the ice-cream from being extra drippy, an omnipotent God would have the ability to stop the
ice-cream from being extra drippy, and by golly, an omnibenevolent God wouldn't want your ice-cream to be extra drippy.

A false reductio ad absurdum. Also, an obvious straw man.


13.You leave 'freethought' tracts lying around, like the littering
missionaries.

Yes, that's the problem on subway trains: All the freethought tracts lying around. Why, people can hardly find a Chick tract buried underneath ALL those mounds of paper . . .

16.You debate (argue, vilify, etc.) as if every theist was a Jack
Chick fan.

No, just the stupid ones who act as though they agree with him. Which is quite a few.


21.You believe that planes, computers, calculators, compasses, etc, were "all obviously designed," yet the human body, being intricately more complex was "obviously a product of biological evolution." It seems the more complex the apparatus, the more obvious the "fact" that it was not designed.


Planes, computers, etc. WERE obviously designed.

The human body contains enough design flaws that if it WAS designed, the designer was long ago fired for incompetence. We walk upright but this causes us back problems. We can't breathe and swallow at the same time once we hit adulthood. Etc.


24.As a member of the Skeptic's Society you pride yourself on being skeptical of extraordinary claims. You also pride yourself on
silencing everyone who is skeptical of the extraordinary claims of
evolution.

"Extraordinary claims of evolution?" I guess this is as opposed to the sane, rational claim that an invisible, omnipotent, omniscient and omibenevolent deity did all of it in seven literal days around 6000 years ago and created all the contrary evidence to test us including evidence of an ancient universe and dinosaur fossils.



28.You think you have refuted the whole Trilemma because you've added another alternative to it.

Um . . . this IS a refutation.

29.You think that the Declaration of Independence is unconstitutional because it mentions "the creator".

It's not eligible to be brought up as legal precedent . . . if this isn;t what's being talked about here, I have no clue.


32.When you watch a punt returner run a 93 yard touchdown, you marvel at what evolution has done for the human race. But when someone gets cancer, you blame God for it.

Blame who?


36.You think that Isaac Asimov was a world-class authority in
Biblical Studies.

No, I think of him as an intelligent man who read the Bible as secular history, and reported on it objectively on that basis.

I can see why this would be a problem for you.

38.You ALSO make a point of never capitalizing 'god'. (So true on this forum)

I capitalize God just like I'd capitalize the name of any fictional character.


44.You're infuriated by the term "village atheist." You prefer "right-thinking urban humanist."

Never heard the phrase.

47.When a Christian offers you his own "experience" as evidence for God, you consider it stupid and subjective. But when he offers you historical, philosophical and scientifical evidence, you consider it too inconclusive and claim that you need to see God to believe in Him.

No, when he offers me historical evidence et al, I study it carefully. So far all the evidence that's been offered has been utterly inconclusive at best.

48.You spell "God" with a lower case "g," add an "E" to "B.C.," and replace the word "Christ" with an "x." Yet, when asked to name the planets you have no problem with spouting out the appropriate list of Roman Gods. Heck, you'll even spell them with capital letters!

Just as with all fictional characters . . .

49.When a Christian's interpretation of a passage (based on the social/literary context) solves one of your favorite contradictions, it is only their personal interpretation, and can be dismissed as such. But your interpretation (based on a "plain" reading of the text) to arrive at the contradiction in the first place is entirely objective, and is obviously THE correct interpretation.

Ever notice that the amount of twisting words it takes to "resolve" some contradictions gives the impression that some Christians think the Bible was written by Bill Clinton?

Vorkosigan was right. That WAS fun.

Rob aka Mediancat

The Naked Mage

Golden!!! :notworthy

Sephiroth

Nope, it was a primate. Astropelithicus (sp?) isn't considered an ape last I checked.