Freethought & Rationalism Archive

lunachick · 01-01-2003, 07:15 PM

I wrote a couple of poems while at the farm. They are both just the first rough drafts, and will be rewritten many times before I'm happy with them; but I thought I'd post them today anyway, as they still contain the *essence* of what they (hopefully) will become. Much tweaking, removing, adding, fussing, etc, will be done at a later stage to tighten the imagery and the language, but you get the drift. Both are untitled at this stage.

1)

Surrounded by native trees
in a clearing of wildflowers and sunshine,
I find myself where noone can find me.

As I lay in the grasses, I am naked;
my skin stealing energy from the afternoon
rays of heat and light.

Reflecting how I am changing
and how I am expressing myself
as I walk, as I talk, as I dream
of what was and what will be.

Sometimes I am a dancer; whirling
dervish spinning faster and faster, my skirts
catching the breeze and hovering
in my movements, laughing at my moments.

And sometimes I am like the Afgani women;
veiled, contained, and only half dreamed.

2)

Near me, the sun plays
with a hydrangea in full bloom.
Strong ribbed leaves
reach outward,
cast light and shadow -
hiding branches
and where it roots to the soil.
Amethyst flowers abundant
with inverted facets
as cut by a jeweller.
Dense and heavy, delicate and soft;
weighing like fruit on each wooded stem.
Gem coloured, like fluoxitine,
in amethyst and emerald green.

I think of them
and how we are alike -
how we both need so much more water.

Mad Kally · 01-01-2003, 07:21 PM

I think they're wonderful lunachick!

Kally

LordMoneyG · 01-01-2003, 10:23 PM

Very nice, Luna. Very nice indeed. Would you be open to a little constructive criticism, though? Not on overal themes or conceits, mind you, just things that may strengthen the poems overall?

lunachick · 01-01-2003, 11:54 PM

LordMoneyG, I'm always open to criticism.

Both of these pieces do need a lot of work, and were pretty much written on-the-fly, I will be reworking them a LOT!

Any suggestions are welcome, and will always be considered during rewrites; so fire away!!

And thanks, LMG and Kally.

Edit, LordMoneyG, to show that on re-reading, I now recognise more cliches, trite language, redundancies, etc. Just in the first piece I see 2 or 3 strophes that just have to go!! But that's the way it is with first drafts, huh? <shakes head, and returns to the drawing board>

d'naturalist · 01-02-2003, 12:09 AM

Hey Luna,

Very nice indeed. You should save some of the different drafts of each poem, so in the future you can look back and see how it progressed from first thought to finished thought.

lunachick · 01-02-2003, 12:21 AM

Hey, d'naturalist.

Thank you. I do keep reams of paper with scribblings, notes, various versions, etc. But I'm still young with regard to being a poet - one of my loves - and EVERYTHING needs so much work. I recently sent Ronin, who also writes, a poem I was working on at the side of my grandfathers coffin in May 2002. After a couple of weeks I had about 6 rewrites, and it's STILL not finished.

Ahhh, how to make those seeds grow into something full and nutritious? It is a process, like anything.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate it.

xstvn · 01-02-2003, 12:53 AM

A few things I dread to hear a woman say :

"Notice anything different about me...?

"I had a dream and....."

"I wrote a poem and..."

kidding

Nice Luna, but I have no idea what fluoxitine is.
(I always feel so dumb around here)

And I think the whole naked , whirling dancer part would be better expressed in pictures.

Just a suggestion ,I'm more of a visual person

lunachick · 01-02-2003, 01:01 AM

LOL@you, xstvn!

I'll send you the photo-poem.

Flouxitine is generic "prozac" - the chemical name, rather than the brand name. Now that the patent is off, there are many 'fluoxitines'.

lpetrich · 01-02-2003, 02:07 AM

You might want to put some rhythm into it; decide on some sort of structure for various parts of it. No need to be absolutely strict; some approximation may be OK. Accented/unaccented arrangements, alliteration, rhymes, grammatical structure like:

Vivos voco
Mortuos plango
Fulgura frango

I call the living
I mourn the dead
I break the lightning

(the sort of inscription found on some old bells)

lunachick · 01-02-2003, 03:40 AM

lpetrich, thanks.

I'm so crap at rhythmic poetry! I'm great if I'm making up my own language - but to work the nuances of english into a rhythmic, yet potent, turn of phrase is something I have difficulties with. But I'm always reading and trying to learn, so hopefully, after all the tweaking, I will be able to master something of the poetic techniques of those I so admire.

The language of these poems will be worked on. I hope they will amount to something in the end, as they stem from a rather fragile time in my own deveopment. But, hey! Isn't that always the way?! Oh, to be Robert Frost!!!

01-01-2003, 07:15 PM	#1
lunachick Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: NZ Posts: 7,895	2 Poems (first drafts) I wrote a couple of poems while at the farm. They are both just the first rough drafts, and will be rewritten many times before I'm happy with them; but I thought I'd post them today anyway, as they still contain the essence of what they (hopefully) will become. Much tweaking, removing, adding, fussing, etc, will be done at a later stage to tighten the imagery and the language, but you get the drift. Both are untitled at this stage. 1) Surrounded by native trees in a clearing of wildflowers and sunshine, I find myself where noone can find me. As I lay in the grasses, I am naked; my skin stealing energy from the afternoon rays of heat and light. Reflecting how I am changing and how I am expressing myself as I walk, as I talk, as I dream of what was and what will be. Sometimes I am a dancer; whirling dervish spinning faster and faster, my skirts catching the breeze and hovering in my movements, laughing at my moments. And sometimes I am like the Afgani women; veiled, contained, and only half dreamed. 2) Near me, the sun plays with a hydrangea in full bloom. Strong ribbed leaves reach outward, cast light and shadow - hiding branches and where it roots to the soil. Amethyst flowers abundant with inverted facets as cut by a jeweller. Dense and heavy, delicate and soft; weighing like fruit on each wooded stem. Gem coloured, like fluoxitine, in amethyst and emerald green. I think of them and how we are alike - how we both need so much more water.

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01-01-2003, 07:21 PM	#2
Mad Kally Banned Join Date: May 2001 Location: LALA Land in California Posts: 3,764	I think they're wonderful lunachick! Kally

01-01-2003, 10:23 PM	#3
LordMoneyG Regular Member Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: North Carolina Posts: 125	Very nice, Luna. Very nice indeed. Would you be open to a little constructive criticism, though? Not on overal themes or conceits, mind you, just things that may strengthen the poems overall?

01-01-2003, 11:54 PM	#4
lunachick Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: NZ Posts: 7,895	LordMoneyG, I'm always open to criticism. Both of these pieces do need a lot of work, and were pretty much written on-the-fly, I will be reworking them a LOT! Any suggestions are welcome, and will always be considered during rewrites; so fire away!! And thanks, LMG and Kally. Edit, LordMoneyG, to show that on re-reading, I now recognise more cliches, trite language, redundancies, etc. Just in the first piece I see 2 or 3 strophes that just have to go!! But that's the way it is with first drafts, huh? <shakes head, and returns to the drawing board>

01-02-2003, 12:09 AM	#5
d'naturalist Regular Member Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: USA Posts: 245	Hey Luna, Very nice indeed. You should save some of the different drafts of each poem, so in the future you can look back and see how it progressed from first thought to finished thought.

01-02-2003, 12:21 AM	#6
lunachick Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: NZ Posts: 7,895	Hey, d'naturalist. Thank you. I do keep reams of paper with scribblings, notes, various versions, etc. But I'm still young with regard to being a poet - one of my loves - and EVERYTHING needs so much work. I recently sent Ronin, who also writes, a poem I was working on at the side of my grandfathers coffin in May 2002. After a couple of weeks I had about 6 rewrites, and it's STILL not finished. Ahhh, how to make those seeds grow into something full and nutritious? It is a process, like anything. Thanks for reading. I appreciate it.

01-02-2003, 12:53 AM	#7
xstvn Regular Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: WA state Posts: 261	A few things I dread to hear a woman say : "Notice anything different about me...? "I had a dream and....." "I wrote a poem and..." kidding Nice Luna, but I have no idea what fluoxitine is. (I always feel so dumb around here) And I think the whole naked , whirling dancer part would be better expressed in pictures. Just a suggestion ,I'm more of a visual person

01-02-2003, 01:01 AM	#8
lunachick Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: NZ Posts: 7,895	LOL@you, xstvn! I'll send you the photo-poem. Flouxitine is generic "prozac" - the chemical name, rather than the brand name. Now that the patent is off, there are many 'fluoxitines'.

01-02-2003, 02:07 AM	#9
lpetrich Contributor Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Lebanon, OR, USA Posts: 16,829	You might want to put some rhythm into it; decide on some sort of structure for various parts of it. No need to be absolutely strict; some approximation may be OK. Accented/unaccented arrangements, alliteration, rhymes, grammatical structure like: Vivos voco Mortuos plango Fulgura frango I call the living I mourn the dead I break the lightning (the sort of inscription found on some old bells)

01-02-2003, 03:40 AM	#10
lunachick Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: NZ Posts: 7,895	lpetrich, thanks. I'm so crap at rhythmic poetry! I'm great if I'm making up my own language - but to work the nuances of english into a rhythmic, yet potent, turn of phrase is something I have difficulties with. But I'm always reading and trying to learn, so hopefully, after all the tweaking, I will be able to master something of the poetic techniques of those I so admire. The language of these poems will be worked on. I hope they will amount to something in the end, as they stem from a rather fragile time in my own deveopment. But, hey! Isn't that always the way?! Oh, to be Robert Frost!!!

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