Benjamin Franklin

Need a bit of advice

There is this girl I am interested in but she has made it clear that she is not in mood for a romantic relationship right now because she has just broken up with her boyfriend and she has always seen me as a friend. When I asked her about the long term, she said she does not know as she does not really know me that well yet.

Now I just came back to England and I wanted to talk to her but when she is busy she does not answer her phone and in my anxiety to talk to her I called a bit too often.

Also I have asked her to spend a weekend with me as my flatmate will be away and she turned me down and she does not want me to call her again.

I am not exactly sure what she is angry with me about. Is she angry with me because she thinks I am propositioning her (I have no such intention)
or because I am calling her too often.

I cannot really tell because there in the past she did not seem to mind me calling her too often and there was once she got angry with me because she thought I was propositioning her.

BF

Acinom

Ooh... the bit about your flatmate being away for the weekend probably didn't help. She just wants to be friends, and that definitely sounds like a "why don't you come over so we can *wink wink*" kind of statement. And yeah, I'd say that you made a mistake calling her so much after England. It's understandable what you did cuz you just traveled! England! Buckingham Palace! Big Ben! Probably wanted to tell her all about it. But right now, she probably just really wants to be left alone right now to develop her relationships at her own pace. And so many phone calls would feel like a huge pressure.

Why don't you try to call her one last time and tell her that you really did not mean anything by it? Be sincere, be gentle. If she doesn't respond, let it go.

Good luck, BF

liquid

First thing first, forget a relationship. She's obviously trying to turn you down but doesn't have the guts to do so properly. I learnt a long while back to avoid wasting time in that situation.

Secondly, she's probably angry because she thinks her friend has turned into an phone-annoyance wanting rebound sex.

My advice? Lay off her. Don't cut contact - because that will burn your bridge; just cut it down to perhaps once a fortnight, whatever is appropriate. I know this is hard to do if you like that girl, but hey, women never respect guys who get obssessive about them.

When you do talk to or email her, don't ask her to do things, about her relationships - just tell her what's going on in your life and ask about hers. The more ordinary and interesting the better. If she wants to, she'll talk about the relationship stuff.

Finally, if you suspect that she has misconceptions about you inviting her over, then clear them up. Women aren't that scary really - tell her that wasn't your intention. And if that doesn't turn out to be the bother, ask what the problem is because otherwise you can't deal with it.

But I have to admit that picking a weekend when the flatmate is away is awfully convenient - would you have turned down the opportunity had it arisen?

FloatingEgg

I think you're coming on too strong, based on what I just read. Closet your interest, and realize that she doesn't share your..."passion?"

HaysooChreesto!

Save yourself the trouble and never call her again. A woman either wants you or she doesn't and pestering her won't do you or her any good.

Blame the whole mess on her being a bitch and you being a semi fatal attraction weirdo for this particular incident and then go find someone who actually likes you.

Bugs

Honestly B.F., who cares exactly what her motive is? I've learned if a chick is interested she won't keep putting you off like this. Would you keep putting off a girl you were interested in? Doubt it. Sorry mate, happiness lies in recognizing when you have no chance and in moving on.

Amie

She sounds like me when I initially became friends with Infinity. He use to bug me but after a while he gave me my space I needed and our relationship grew from there. Now I love him...
I know that if he would have pushed things would have been very different...

hmmm yeah she might view you as obsessed. How often is "a bit too much"?

she may feel uncomfortable if she told you she does not know you that well and then you asked her to spend the weekend with you...

It may be a little bit of both...

did she break up with her boyfriend or did he?

Infinity Lover

When push comes to shove, you shouldn't have to apologize for feeling the way you do. There's no on-off switch for that.

The best I can think of, is let the girl know how you feel about her, make it known that you want to be as close to her as she'll allow, and you'll still appreciate her as a person if the feelings aren't mutual. Give her room, but also let her know what you want to give her room for.

Perhaps you've already done this, but that's the best I can think of off hand. Asking her to stay over at your place might have been too much too soon under any sircumstance. Why not go out first, buy her lunch or something. And a sweet letter, apologizing if you came on too strong might not hurt either. Pay her some compliments, tell her what you like about her.

Benjamin Franklin

I am aware of the fact that in the Western Context, asking a girl to stay over with you seems too much like a proposition.

But that's not how we Chinese see it. I asked another Chinese girl (who happens to be this girl's flatmate) to stay over with me and she did not have a problem with it.

Furthemore it is not as if that I and this girl let's call her the English girl are mere acquantiences. We have known each other for over 1 year and we have gone out quite a bit

But the end of the day, I should have realised it sounds too much have a proposition. After all I read the Dear Agony aunt columns in the English tabloids.

How often is calling her too often i.e. I called her about three times a day for about three days when I just arrived and then I backed off for about a week. The day before she emailed me the rejection, I called her quite a bit about six-seven times but then that is because I know that in her place that she just went home to, mobile phones do not work very well so there is the possibility that I might not be getting through to her.

She did agree to meet up with me first on the friday I arrived but I tried to change it to the weekend and she said that she was not free.

I have never had sex yet if that has anything to do with the matter at hand and I am 27 years of age.

BF

[ December 24, 2002: Message edited by: Benjamin Franklin ]

[ December 24, 2002: Message edited by: Benjamin Franklin ]</p>

Benjamin Franklin

It will not be easy to get her to talk to me on her phone. She has not answered any of my calls since I came back to England (other than text messaging me once to tell me that she would not be free to meet up in the weekend) and she explicitly told me over email that she would appreciate it if I stop calling her.

BF