phaedrus

Every culture/country has its own quirks. While religion does play a big role in most societies, even say among non-theists in different countries the approach to sex is different, its grounded in the culture i guess. Found the durex global survey (the 2001, 2002 one will be out in november). Seems like a case of eastern vs. western culture

Some highlights

Sex Education in School

The age of learning about sex in school varies across the world with people in India (16.1), China (15.9), Malaysia and Thailand (both 15.6) being taught latest.

Sex education is taught earliest in Holland (12.5), Japan, Mexico and Britain (all 12.6) and Germany (12.8).

Getting Started

The Americans are having sex younger than those in any other country (16), followed by the Germans (16.6), French (16.7), British and New Zealanders (both 16.9).

People in China are the oldest (22) followed by those in Taiwan (20.6), India (20.3) and Malaysia (20).

More people in America had sex at the age of 16 or under than any other country - six in 10 compared with 51% of Germans and 50% of the French and New Zealanders

Number of Sexual Partners

People around the world who are sexually active have an average of 7.7 sexual partners.

Almost three in 10 (28%) have only had one partner, while 16% have had sex with more than 10 people.

The Americans have had more partners than anyone else - 14.3 compared with the French (13.2), Australians (11) and Canadians (10.6).

The Chinese have had the fewest sexual partners - 2.1 compared with the Indians (3), Taiwanese (3.3) and Poles (3.6).

In India 77% of people have only had one partner, compared with seven in 10 in China and 52% in Taiwan.

Frequency of Sex

On average, people across the world are having sex 97 times a year.

The Americans have sex more than any other nation at an average of 124 times a year, followed by the Greeks (117), South Africans and Croatians (both 116) and New Zealanders (115).

People in Japan (36), Hong Kong (63), Taiwan (65) and China (72) have sex the least.

Lifestyle Preferences

People around the world would rather go out with friends than have sex - 22% compared with 19%.

Men would prefer to have sex - 28% compared with 10% of women, while women would rather go out with friends - 26% compared with 18% of men.

Australians and Italians would rather have sex, while Indians and Mexicans would prefer to work.

The Thais would prefer to sleep, while the Chinese like to watch TV.

What attracts you to a partner

Almost four in 10 people (37%) are initially attracted to someone's personality before anything else.

Just under a fifth (19%) are attracted by looks, while 11% opt for a person's sense of humour.

Women are more attracted by personality than men -42% compared with 31%, while men prefer looks - 23% compared with 15% of women

A quarter of Spaniards are attracted by physique, while 15% of Indians notice accent before anything else.

Fifteen per cent of Italians are attracted by sex appeal, while 18% of Britons are drawn to a person's sense of humour.

<a href="http://www.durex.com/globalmenusetup.htm" target="_blank">The Durex Global Sex Survey 2001</a>

Silent Dave

I'm not married, never been married, although I was once engaged for a while (I say "once" like it was a long time ago -- I'm 23, and it was just a year and a half ago), and have never had kids. I have no problem with pre-marital sex, and have a fair amount of sexual experience. It's really weird, though: I seem to have some kind of "virginal glow" about me. The people I work with actually thought that I was a virgin for MONTHS.

Anyway, I do have a strong sexual ethic. For instance, I would never:

* cheat on my SO, or help someone else cheat on theirs.

* have an ulterior motive for having sex.

* use any kind of coersion whatsoever.

* have sex with anyone I did not love, or was not in love with. (If it isn't making love, I might as well be home playing "Half-Life.")

* have sex without, at the very least, some kind of birth control.

* take sex for granted.

Some of these ethics were instilled by my wise, only vaguely-religious mother. Others were learned from experience. So today, I don't worry too much about pre-marital sex. I know I can take care of myself, and if I ever do get married, it will be because I've really found the right person, not so that I can go ahead and "do it."


[unrelated complaint]
I haven't had sex in ten months.
[/unrelated complaint]


Dave

Answerer

Hi phaedrus, got any statistic information on my country? Thanks.
Anyway, most of you seem to confirm the fact that all of those who have no sexual experience before marriage would sure to disappoint their sexual partner in their first wedding night. Well, I don't think such a sweeping statement will be true, at least, I'm sure that I, myself,(despite being a virgin) have the ability in preventing my future partner from getting disappointed in the first night.

Secular Bitch

Go dangin'!


That "walking down a road side by side" stuff cracks me up. That "road" is more like a series of booby traps, and you have to arrange to enjoy some of the scenery while struggling out of quicksand. I spend more time than I'd like handling elderly in-laws because they drive DH crazy, and I'd rather deal with them myself than have him in a funk for days. DH sweet-talks my parents, so that I can maintain contact with my siblings who still live at home.

I once sounded and thought pretty much like the road-walker "non-addict". I had experiences of non-sexual closeness, and I definitely don't DIScount them now or compare them to sex. That would be like comparing apples and elephants.

In answer to the original questions ...

Do you regret having sex before marriage, either with your current spouse or with other people?

No. I'm married, and have only slept with my DH, but we did it premaritally, which I sure as heck don't regret.


Do you think you would be happier if you had only ever had sex with this one person?

I regret NOT having slept with one friend in particular, and I regret the relationships I ran from because I was so afraid of sex.


Would it have been more special if you had waited until your wedding night to do it?

Hell no. I don't know where all these people get the energy to do it at all on their wedding nights! We had been busy all week organising things for and entertaining both of our large families, and I was happy just to get everything over with. That night I fell asleep in a different building, and when I woke up at 4 am I realised it would look pretty strange if we came from different buildings in the morning, so I limped (the bed I was on must have been bad - I was completely stiff and sore) a quarter-mile to where he was staying.


Do you feel jealous about the other people your spouse slept with before you were married to each other?

No. I think he was inconsiderate in one case and naive in another, but I actually think he should have tried more. Why did I have to be the one to bring out books, do coaching, etc? He's a decade older, was raised more liberally, etc, so I hadn't expected to be the one leading the exploration, research and discovery efforts. Oh well. He's become very skilled though, so good that I'd like a lot more than I actually get.

Glory

I stand corrected. Given your beliefs I am surprised that you did not wait.



How wonderfully giving of you. Why would you marry someone who didn't want to have sex with you? Why would she marry you? I think it would be better to know what you are getting into. That is just not possible for two people who have no experience with each other and certainly not for two people who have no experience at all.

Remember I started out talking not just about premarrital sex but about compatibility. My position is that a marraige between sexually incompatible people is bound to be painful and destructive. Having sex before marraige is a way to avoid a huge mistake.



So someone who wants sex once week would be compatible with you, for now at least. I could play the "what if she wants _______?" forever. There are lots of ways to be incompatible. What I want to know is why you think good sex should not be a priority for both spouses. Good sex is an integral part of a happy marraige. Even though you think that you would be fine with a less than stellar sex life, why settle for it? Why not find someone who rocks your world in and out of bed?



Tacky.

Marraige is a legality. It is about money and other tangibles. The law can only deal with tangibles. Sex is one of those tangibles. So are children. Relationships are about friendship and love caring and sharing and all those intangibles as well as the tangibles. What I hear ManM describing is a relationship. One that has no resemblance to a marraige. My relationship with Sentinel is has little to do with money as we don't have much. My marraige to him has a great deal to do with money as I need his earning power in order to be free to care for our daughter.

Because I don't put any stock in notions of "illegitimate children" or "living in sin", I have no reason to regard marraige as anything more than a leagal contract. My commitment to love my husband has nothing to do with the government. Our desire to be recognised by the governement as family with all the rights and priveledges enjoyed by married people is another story. I am sorry I didn't make that clear.



Starting any sexual relationship is going to involve a little culture shock. You are getting to know a person in a way that you haven't before. Each person has different wants, needs, and desires. Each person has different techniques that may or may not be effective on a given partner. My story about the guy who didn't like blow jobs illustrates this point.

What I find disturbing is the notion that a couple should endure a marraige in which the sex is bad because they don't have any idea what good sex is like. Honestly, saying "Well, they don't know what they are missing so they may as well stay together", is well...that's a bleak outlook, to coin a phrase.

So, explain why anyone should settle for bad sex?

Glory

Glory

The word "lovers" leaps out at me. That's the key to the question. They are committed to each other and to sharing their lives with each other because they are loversThe sexual relationship underlies everything else. Granted, their are cases in which the marraige has come first and the sexual relationship has developed over time. Still, the marraige is considered good or bad based on the relative happiness of the participants and, in most cultures that favour arranged marraiges, the production of children. How do we get children? Sex. It just keeps coming up.

I ask you the same question I asked LuvLuv. Why should anyone settle for subpar sex? Why would you marry someone who doesn't rock your world?



I'm not sure how you compare sex to over eating. I don't get it.



If you say this to someone who has never been high ...




It depends on wht people are saying. If someone who has never used is telling a junkie what it feels like to be on heroine, I am not going to take him very seriously.



No, you are speaking from your lack of experience. In this instance, I have been in your place(virginity) but you have never been in mine(a sexual relationship). You are telling the junkie what its like to get high.



As well you should. It sounds wonderful and meaningful and priceless. It has nothing to do with marraige or the importance of sex in marraige.

Glory

[ October 18, 2002: Message edited by: Glory ]</p>

brighid

I suppose if a man or woman never had sex or a sexual experience prior to marriage he or she may not know that things could or should be better in the bedroom. I find that unlikely because regardless of actual experience sex either feels good or it doesn�t (in varying degrees of course.) Sexual dissatisfaction in a relationship places an enormous burden on a relationship, marriage or otherwise.

I had definite sexual prerequisites for any man I would spend the rest of my life with. I was fortunate enough to have had good and bad sexual experiences and I KNEW that I could not live a life with passionless, unsatisfying sex with my life partner. Each partner�s sexual appetites will wax and wane and this can be a struggle in a relationship, especially if the emotional intimacy that goes hand in hand with sex isn�t present or wanes as well. Sexual intercourse isn�t just about the physical pleasure or the orgasm. It�s about connecting with a person in a way unlike any other. Emotionally I feel closer to my husband because of our sex life. It�s a deeply personal expression of our love and desire for each other. It is something we don�t share with anyone else. There are times where it is more an expression of sexual desire, but at least in this relationship it is always a sincerely intimate expression of our love for one another.

Every sexual experience I have had wasn�t like that, but I am glad that I know what else is out there because my husband benefits tremendously by comparison. I don�t wonder about others. I don�t desire the forbidden fruit, nor am I tempted by it because it holds no mystique for me.

I know my husband is very thankful for my previous experiences and skill. I know who I am. I know what I like and dislike. I am willing to explore within my personal boundaries. Sex is not icky, or something I am not supposed to enjoy because I am a woman and that plays a very important role in the cohesive structure of our intimate relationship.

Before losing my virginity sex was really no big deal and it was very easy to abstain from. I didn�t get why it was so important in a relationship. But after � it was a different story. I spent many, many year�s celibate because I was unwilling to take the risks that go along with sex: physically and emotionally. I feel lucky that the first time wasn�t painful, or with someone I didn�t care deeply about. He was more experienced then I and we had some interesting experiences because I had NO clue what I was doing. I am glad I am not that woman sexually.

The importance of the sexual relationship in a marriage cannot be emphasized enough. It is not THEE end all and be all, but it is close because it�s not just about the actual sexual act. To marginalize sexual intercourse to its basest, physical actions simply shows a complete lack of understanding of the encompassing nature of sexual and emotional intimacy, as their long term success are absolutely dependent on one another. At times one can sustain the other through periods of change, but equilibrium must be achieved again.

The idea of a virgin bride and bridegroom is a romanticized ideal that isn�t the fairy tale it has been made out to be. This isn�t to say that such ideals shouldn�t be desired, attempted or achieved but there is a danger in the na�vet� of that archetype.

I personally feel life should be explored in as many ways a possible, without causing ones self undue harm or placing oneself in stupid situations if at all avoidable. I personally feel I am better as a woman, wife and lover because I have had a number of diverse experiences sexually and otherwise before my commitment to my husband. My decisions were right for me, but they may not be right for any other person and I respect that. I know both sides of the coin; the good and the bad (and also the ugly) and from this experience I base my opinions.

I personally find nothing immoral about premarital sex when it is done without coercion, deception, when both partners do so consensually and with the proper knowledge to emotionally and physically protect themselves from harm. Sex should be enjoyed for the amazingly beautiful emotional and physical expression it is, by both partners equally and passionately and with only the boundaries established by those consenting adults. It�s unfortunate that more people aren�t able to experience a truly satisfying sex life with their partner(s.)

Brighid

jasonpiao

Brighid:
Yes, but I am ever amazed at how often I hear women say that before they had that 'really good' sex, they just assumed it was overblown and crappy for everyone. You would think that people would realize things should be better, but a whole lot of women just seem to accept that orgasm is something that happens only in the movies, or you fake it. Sad, but at the same time it makes the guy who takes the time to do it right look like a hero!

Primal

I really cannot see a single thing wrong with pre-marital sex. In fact I see the lack of it as unhealthy. Does it make more sense to commit to a relationship with knowledge or in ignorance? I wouldn't want my partner always wondering what another guy was like etc. This whole issue seems rather silly.

Psycho Economist

At the risk of being a wanker:

They don't give good data about how many people they contacted, what their response rates were, who was sampled... generally this study should probably be taken with a grain of salt.

The most definitive study to date, done by the University of Chicago in the late '90's, was probably the best in terms of its statistical calibre and applicability to the whole U.S. population. And boy are we boring in the sack...

Unfortunately i'm still looking for the original report.