Azathoth

A man walks into a police station.He goes up to the officer at the desk,and says "I need to be arrested."

The officer looks at him."Why?"

"Because I hit a guy while I was driving,and I think he's dead."

The officer frowns."How do you know he's dead?"

"Well",says the man,"he was walking across the street,dragging a cross,and I nailed him pretty good."



*ducks a volley of tomatoes*

Ok,it may just be the sleep deprivation,I'm having right now,but here's a joke I thought up.

So,let's see some of yours.Original jokes,only,though.I'm sure the people here can do better than the one I just made.

Silent Dave

This is a non-traditional joke, and as such probably belongs in the "Jokes Few People Will Get" thread, but as far as I know it's original to me.

Young Billy walked into the classroom on his first day in the third grade. The teacher beamed at him. "Welcome, Billy! Your seat is over there, in the second row."

Billy walked toward his seat, but then tripped on his shoelaces, fell and hit the ground hard. He opened his mouth to say a naughty word, but then remembered that it was his first day, and he wanted to make a good impression on his new teacher, and so quickly caught himself and converted the swear word into a harmless word.

"Oh, PINEAPPLES!" he said.

The teacher's eyes widened in shock. "WHAT did you say?"

"Uh, pineapples . . ."

"I will NOT have someone who says that word in my classroom! Get out of here! Go to the principal's office!"

Billy, confused, left the classroom and walked down the hall to the principal's office. The principal looked up. "Hello, Billy. How's the third grade?"

"Well, I just got kicked out of the classroom."

"What for?"

"I don't know. All I did was say pineapples--"

The principal rose, outraged. "You said WHAT!? I will NOT have someone who uses such filthy words in my school! Get out of here! Go to the mayor's office!"

Billy, now very confused, left the school, crossed the street to enter City Hall, and entered the Mayor's office. The Mayor looked up. "Yes, young man?"

"Uh, I don't know why I'm here, really . . . my principal said that I should come here because I said pineapples . . ."

The Mayor stood. "You said WHAT!? Such nasty, nasty words from a little boy! I won't have it! Get out of my town! Go to the governor's office!"

So Billy, now near tears, caught a ride to the state capitol, and entered the governor's office. The governor, in the middle of a conference, looked up. "Can I help you?"

"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm really confused. You see, my teacher back at school kicked me out of her class, and somehow I ended up here, just because I said the word pineapples!"

There were screams and gasps of astonishment all over the room, and more than one person fainted. "You said WHAT!?" demanded the governor. "In your SCHOOL!? And now you bring your dirty mouth into my capitol? No, sir! Get out of my state! Go to the president's office!"

So Billy went to Washington, entered the Oval Office, and stood before the President. "Yes?" said the President.

"Sir, I've had a very scary day. I was kicked out of my classroom, then my school, then my town, then my state -- just because I said a bad word!"

"Well, it sounds like some people have been overreacting just a bit. It couldn't have been that bad. What was it you said?"

"Pineapples."

"You said WHAT!?" The president pressed a button, and lots of Secret Service agents entered. "Get this filthy-mouthed boy out of here! Throw him out of the country! Take him down to the SecGen's office!"

So Billy went to the home country of the UN Secretary General, entered his private office. The SecGen smiled and bowed. "Peace to you, young sir. How may I help you this day?"

"I was kicked out of my country."

"Hmm. Those crazy Americans. I knew that that country was not safe for its own citizens. I am sorry for the torment this must have caused you. What excuse did they give?"

"That I said pineapples."

"You said WHAT!?" The SecGen rose, outraged. "You shameful, disgrace of a human being! You don't belong here! GET OFF MY PLANET!"

So Billy was taken via space shuttle to the International Space Station, where the astronaut in charge looked just as confused as Billy was. "Why did they send a kid like you up here?"

"They kicked me off the planet."

"What for?"

"Do you mind my not saying? I'd hate to think of what would happen. Probably get thrown out of the solar system or something."

"Nah, come on, you can tell me."

"All right. It was all because I said . . ." he winced inwardly, knowing what was to come . . . "pineapples."

The astronaut blinked.

"What's so bad about the word pineapples?"

Billy broke down crying. "I don't KNOW! That's why I'm so confused and scared! I didn't know that I did anything wrong! Why are they treating me like this? What IS so bad about pineapples?"

"I don't know either kid. Tell you what: we'll send you back down in a Soyuz, and you can ask the Secretary General."

So Billy returned to Earth, and went once more before the SecGen. "Sir," he said, "what's so bad about the word pineapples?"

"Go ask your President," the SecGen said.

So Billy caught a plane back to Washington, went back to the White House and stood before the President. "Mr. President," he said, "what's so bad about the word pineapples?"

"Go ask your governor," the President said.

So Billy caught a plane back to his home state, went into the state capitol, and stood once more before the governor. "Mr. Governor," he said, "what's so bad about the word pineapples?"

"Go ask your mayor," the governor said.

So Billy caught a ride back to his home town, went back into City Hall, and stood once more before the major. "Mr. Mayor," he said, "what's so bad about the word pineapples?"

"Go ask your principal," the mayor said.

So Billy left City Hall, and walked back toward the school -- but before he got there, a car hit him and he died.

The moral of the story: look both ways before crossing the street.



Dave

ExTheist

This scene takes place at the annual Emmy Awards............

One of the awardees grabs his chest and falls to the stage floor. The host of the awards show takes the microphone and asks the audience "is there a doctor in the house?" Several members of the live audience stand up and say "no, but I play one on TV!"

Eric H

This probably is not original, but I like it.


The lawyer said to Micky Mouse, you can�t divorce Mini Mouse just because she�s got buck teeth.

Micky Mouse replied, I didn�t say I want a divorce from Mini because she has buck teeth, I said I want a divorce because she is f�-king Goofy.

mike_decock

I heard that one before, but the lawyer was saying "You can't divorce Minnie because she's insane".

-Mike...

NonHomogenized

I'm sure a joke like this one exists somewhere, but I've never heard one, so I'm gonna claim it's original

While Jesus is nailed to the cross, a man walks by, and says, "oh, hey, jesus. Have you heard the one about the Roman Centurion and the duck?"
"No," replies Jesus.
"Oh." says the man, who then leaves. As he's walking away Jesus yells, "oh, come on man, you can't leave me hanging like that!"

excreationist

Silent Dave:
That's a good one. It seemed like there was a pineapple related punchline when he was just about to meet the teacher, then something totally unexpected. The parts inbetween are pretty good too. It reminds of a joke about a boy who just wanted a ping-pong ball for each birthday. His father says you can have anything you want (in detail) and he dies or something in the end. It took forever for this guy to tell it to me and it was annoying at the end but your joke was good.

Mediancat

Well, you've head the one, I'm sure, about the way to kill a vegetarian vampire -- that being to put a steak through its heart.

My original (I think) take on that is, why are vegetarian vampires always so hungry?

Because you can't get blood from a turnip.

Rob aka Mediancat

mike_decock

Sacrilicious! :notworthy :notworthy :notworthy

-Mike...