Calzaer

After a series of events causing me to get hit on the head with a metaphorical large building repeatedly, I find myself truly single for the first time in six years. Since I'm only 21, that's quite a chunk of my life.

Previously, not only was I always in a relationship, the end of one relationship and the beginning of the next had a nasty tendency to overlap. Further, I have a distinct history of getting involved with people who, to put it politely, aren't exactly emotionally healthy in one way or another. Classic "Gandolf on the Bridge" syndrome (I forget what it's really called, that's just how I remember it). This last relationship had managed to break that pattern, but only by switching things around so that *I* was the unstable one and my girlfriend was stable (or so it appeared to me; my friends had other things to say after we broke up). I was about 2 or 3 weeks into yet another relationship with a very sweet (if slightly insecure) woman before I realized that, if things continued, we'd end up in the scariest of all possible relationship types: TWO CO-DEPENDANTS. We had a long talk (mediated by a mutual friend) where I revealed all the demons in my closets and actually recognized my use of addiction language when discussing relationships. So we're just good friends now, and I can see her as a person instead of just another "fix".

And at the time, I thought that was going to be the hard part.

HAH!

It's been about a week now. I've quit relationships cold-turkey. I'd rather try to quit smoking. I can't go out to bars or clubs, or I'll fall back into my old pattern of looking for a girl to get involved with. I have to pay extra attention in class and around campus so that I don't manufacture an excuse to chat with random women in the hopes something will come out of it. I've had to come to the realization that, no Cal, you CAN'T just have sex without the relationship strings, so, yes Cal, you're going to be celebate for a while. I've had to REALLY keep an eye on how much I smoke; it's usually along the lines of a cigarette a week, but if I don't watch it now it starts to edge towards a pack a week. Have to keep close tabs on my food intake and exercise, too. I'll get absolutely nothing out of substituting one addiction for another.

The worst is the lonelieness. I have to keep reminding myself that I *always* felt lonely, even in a relationship (particularly as they started to deteriorate). It wasn't this BAD, sure, but it was still there. I have to keep nostalgia at bay; I wasn't really ever "satisfied" with what I had in the past. I was always looking for more and more, which is why relationships tended to overlap (sometimes for significant periods, during which I'd make the excuse that I just have a polyamourus makeup, which might still be true but I wouldn't know yet). I can't fall into the trap of idealizing the past, or I'll never break the pattern in the future.

I've hurt a lot of people, and I've been hurt by a lot of people. I've wandered from woman to woman like a speed junkie hunting for his next pill. And it really is alot like a drug. When I first have a new relationship, I'm ecstatic and energetic and on the go and hyper and upbeat... then it slowly starts to fade until I'm twitchy, paranoid, depressed, and prowling through the clubs again looking for a dealer.

There's no rehab clinic for this, though. There's not even a patch or a gum or an inhaler. I want to not be alone anymore SO BAD. I have to fight off the idea that I'm single because of some innate flaw in myself. I have to constantly remind myself that I have an identity separate from a relationship. I don't even really have much of a clue what that identity IS. If I was playing myself in a D&D game, I wouldn't know how to do it. I wouldn't know how to be "in-character" as myself. I'm just so... incomplete and nebulous as a person, at least in my own eyes. The thought that I can stand on my own would have been completely rediculous just a semester ago. It's still not quite believable.

I feel so lost. I fidgit alot, I sleep too much, I keep catching myself trying to take up other addictions to replace the one I'm quitting... I don't know if I can do this. Only my reliable support system is keeping me sane right now. Even then, I get this insane craving to talk about it, on some medium, to people who aren't involved. Thus, I'm posting this long, personal whine. Whiiiiine.

Whine.

There. I think I'm done for now. Wait, wait, hold on... whine! whine whine whine!! WHINE@

There. Ok, NOW I'm done. Thanks for putting up with me.

~Cal

Louis_S

Well first of all, good luck with your maturation. It sucks, but ultimately you'll hopefully look back and be glad that you had the learning experience.

I'm also excited to hear that there is another unbeliever in college in SC. I thought that there were some out there, but its good to get confirmation. I'll be back in Columbia in 2ish months (maybe less) to finish my degree in computer engineering.

Good luck, you'll pull through.

yguy

Why do you have to fight off that idea? Everyone has an innate flaw, and yours apparently manifests itself in the area of relationships with the opposite sex.

You've become more so by seeking a sense of completion of yourself from women, IMO. We're not made to get a sense of identity from other people; to the extent that we do, we become their slaves.

christ-on-a-stick

Hi Calzaer,

I'm impressed with your honesty and the apparent depth of your self-examination - it's never easy to realize these things about ourselves but I applaud you for having the courage to look at your situation unflinchingly and take steps to change it.

Not sure that I have any particularly helpful advice other than, if you must "replace" addictions, get addicted to something healthy! (i.e. working out, a hobby or intellectual pursuit...) Obviously I don't mean *literally* take something else to an UNHEALTHY extreme, but occupying yourself (with healthy activities) and staying busy, as cliched as it sounds, will help.

Good luck Calzaer and don't worry about the whine, it's important to get this stuff off your chest!

Lauri

Derec

Now why would you think that?

While love, relationships and sex do have a certain amount of overlap they are by no means congruent.

Maybe a moderate amount of no-strings-attached sex is just the right thing for you now.

Just a thought

UMoC

Calzaer

I'd love that to be so, but I'm not sure I can adaquately separate the "Someone finds me sexually attractive" mental script from the "Someone loves me, therefore I'm whole!" mental script. At least, not at the moment. I have a bad habit of using sex as a reassurance of my worthieness in someone else's eyes.

Viti

The language he used in his OP indicated he does not know how to separate these things.

Good luck Cal, introspection and self improvement are not easy but well worth it in the long run. You recognized your behavior was not making you happy. How about therapy?

LianaLi

Hey Calzaer,

My sympathies on trying to break the addiction. I just recently dumped my fairly useless boyfriend of 18 months, after he proved completely unsupportive during my rather recent trial by fire. I can feel kind of what you're going through, although, I am far more inclined to blame him, than myself for the chunk of the relationship's deterioration. Sometimes, I remind myself that he's a clueless, inconsiderate, uncaring twit for trying to compare a week that had five exams with a week of getting kicked out of the house on my ass, with no steady job, no assets, and nothing but the bags I packed. Being so busy was his excuse for why he never called me during that first crittical week, why he never visited me, or never really took the time to show he cared. That's mostly to keep me from lying to myself about how much he said he cared. His mouth and his actions weren't coordinated.

On the other hand, putting up with that kind of uncaring shit partialy explains why I wound up in such a sucky relationship in the first place. I haven't managed the same sort of level of introspection that you have about why I settle for that kind of treatment, and unfortuantely, it's going ot have to take a back burner to other more pressing matters, like finding a job and an apartment. I do second Lauri's excellent advice, though, about finding a hobby for yourself. I prefer to keep my hands busy, so I do alot of arts and crafts, which has the added bonus of letting me think while my hands do things like cross stitch or crochet.

Hopefully, things will resolve themselves for you. Good luck.

-Liana

Calzaer

Lady Shea: Working on it. The University offers like 10 free hours a semester of therapy, I just have to get off my duff and sign up for it.

Liana Li:

Thanks for the support. It means a lot that people care.

yguy

I got therapy when I was your age too; and believe me, it can make you worse instead of better. Rule of thumb: if it doesn't hurt, it probably isn't helping.