Puck

God is alive and well in a tab of Gladstone.

Imagine Whirled Peas.

Ronin

Lois Waisbrooker ~

"Until you let go of God and take hold of yourselves, of the innate powers of your own beings, there is no hope for you. . . . stop praying and go to work." ("The Curse of Godism," c. 1896)

Lucy N. Colman ~

"If your Bible is an argument for the degradation of woman, and the abuse by whipping of little children, I advise you to put it away, and use your common sense instead." (The Truth Seeker, March 5, 1887

I wish I could buy them a drink.

livius drusus

"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires."
-- Susan B. Anthony

"For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state and our education system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us."
-- Charles Bukowski

�We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.�
-- HL Mencken

Javaman

I always giggle when I think of the episode of M*A*S*H where Klinger is dressed up as a nun and the following takes place:

Father: Klinger, I thought you were an atheist.

Klinger: Gave it up for Lent.

Mageth

The missionaries go forth to Christianize the savages--as if the savages weren't dangerous enough already.
- Edward Abbey

Whatever we cannot easily understand we call God; this saves much wear and tear on the brain tissues.
- Edward Abbey

Jesus don't walk on water no more; his feet leak.
- Edward Abbey

God is love? Not bloody likely.
- Edward Abbey

I always write with my .357 magnum handy. Why? Well, you never know when God may try to interfere.
- Edward Abbey

Mageth

Benny Hinn quotes -

"When you don't give money, it shows that you have the devil's nature."

"Adam was a super-being when God created him. I don't know whether people know this, but he was the first superman that really ever lived. First of all, the Scriptures declare clearly that he had dominion over the fowls of the air, the fish of the sea--which means he used to fly... Adam not only flew, he flew to space. With one thought he would be on the moon."

"I want to use Holy Ghost machine gun to kill Heresy Hunters."

"If you have attacked me, your children will pay for it."

"Under this anointing, the words I speak cannot fall to the ground. Under this anointing, everything I say, happens."

(talking to Paul Crouch on TBN, 1999):
"I see quite something amazing. I see rows of caskets lining up in front of this TV set and I see them bringing them closer to the TV set and as people are coming closer I see actually loved ones picking up the hands of the dead and letting them touch the screen and people are getting raised as their hands are touching that screen."

Sojourner553

A discussion of religious humor is incomplete without Mark Twain:


Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

There has been only one Christian. They caught and crucified him--early.

The heart is the real Fountain of Youth.

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."


"Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed."

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect."

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smartpeople who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."

One of the proofs of the immortality of the soul is that myriads have believed in it. They have also believed the world was flat.-- The gods offer no rewards for intellect. There was never one yet that showed any interest in it.-- Mark Twain, Notebook

Satan hasn't a single salaried helper; the Opposition employ a million

"What God lacks is convictions -- stability of character. He ought to be a Presbyterian or a Catholic or something -- not try to be everything.--

"Irreverence is another person's disrespect to your god; there isn't any word that tells what your disrespect to his god is.-- Mark Twain, The Mysterious StrangerLet me make the superstitions of a nation and I care not who makes its laws or its songs either.--


A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.


Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.


Between believing a thing and thinking you know is only a small step and quickly taken.

3,000 Years Among the Microbes Against a diseased imagination demonstration goes for nothing.


I was dead for millions of years before I was born and it never inconvenienced me a bit.-- Mark Twain

If I were to construct a God I would furnish Him with some way and qualities and characteristics which the Present lacks. He would not stoop to ask for any man's compliments, praises, flatteries; and He would be far above exacting them. I would have Him as self-respecting as the better sort of man in these regards. He would not be a merchant, a trader. He would not buy these things. He would not sell, or offer to sell, temporary benefits of the joys of eternity for the product called worship. I would have Him as dignified as the better sort of man in this regard. He would value no love but the love born of kindnesses conferred; not that born of benevolences contracted for. Repentance in a man's heart for a wrong done would cancel and annul that sin; and no verbal prayers for forgiveness be required or desired or expected of that man.


In His Bible there would be no Unforgiveable Sin. He would recognize in Himself the Author and Inventor of Sin and Author and Inventor of the Vehicle and Appliances for its commission; and would place the whole responsibility where it would of right belong: upon Himself, the only Sinner. He would not be a jealous God -- a trait so small that even men despise it in each other. He would not boast. He would keep private Hs admirations of Himself; He would regard self-praise as unbecoming the dignity of his position. He would not have the spirit of vengeance in His heart. Then it would not issue from His lips. There would not be any hell -- except the one we live in from the cradle to the grave. There would not be any heaven -- the kind described in the world's Bibles. He would spend some of His eternities in trying to forgive Himself for making man unhappy when he could have made him happy with the same effort and he would spend the rest of them in studying astronomy.-


Enjoy!

Sojourner

enemigo

After all, religion has been around a lot longer than Darwinism.
-- George W. Bush

"Ocean: A body of water occupying 2/3 of a world made for man - who has no gills." --Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911


"A little boy prayed for a bike. Then he realized God doesn't work that way so he stole a bike and asked for forgiveness." --unknown


Traveller: "God has been mighty good to your fields, Mr. Farmer."
Farmer: "You should have seen how he treated them when I wasn't around."


"If 'he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword" holds true, then Jesus the carpenter met his end properly. After all, he was nailed to a piece of wood, wasn't he?" --unknown


"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish." --unknown


"You're damn right we need a rational code of morality and ethics. But not much progress can be made in that direction while we've still got a majority ranting about gods, devils, souls, and absolute morality, and using an ancient book written by ignorant nomads as a guide." -- Doug Graham


"WWJD? - Probably get his dumb ass nailed to a cross." --unknown


"If God dwells inside us like some people say....I sure hope he likes enchiladas, cuz thats what he's getting." -- Jack Handey


"If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia." -- Thomas Szasz


It's your god. They're your rules. *You* go to hell. -- unknown


"I think I'll believe in Gosh instead of God. If you don't believe in Gosh too, you'll be darned to heck." -- unknown


"Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion."-- L. Ron Hubbard

Opera Nut

This is from a book by Lin Yutang, called THE IMPORTANCE OF LIVING, published in 1936. It's a wonderful book that nobody knows about anymore and it's out of print. Get a copy from alibris.

The chapter is WHY I AM A PAGAN:

(Mr. Yutang, son of Xtian missionaries, describes his theological training in Xtianity, then):

"By this time I had already arived at the position that the Xtian theologians were the greatest enemies of teh Xtian religion. I could never get over 2 great contradictions. The first was that the theologians had made the entire structure of the Christian beleif hang upon the existence of the apple. If Adam had nto eaten an apple, there would be no original sin, and if there were no original sin there would be no need of redemption.

"Anyway, from pursuing literary studies, I feel, like all modern Americans, no consciousness of sin and simply do not believe in it.

All I know is that if God loves me only half as much as my mother does, he will not send me to Hell. That is a final fact of my inner consciousness, and for no religion could I deny its truth.

"Still more preposterous another proposition seemed to me. This was the argument that when Adam and Eve ate an apple during their honeymoon, God was so angry that He condemned their posterity to suffer from generation to generation for that little offense, but that, when the same posterity murdered teh same God's only Son, God was so delighted that He forgave them all. No matter how people explain and argue, I cannot get over this simple untruth. This was the last of the things that troubled me.

....

"Finally, my salvation came. "Why, " I reasoned with a colleague, "if there were no God, people would not do good and the world would go topsy-turvy."

"Why?" replied my Confucian colleague. "We should lead a decent human life simply because we are decent human beings," he said.

"This appeal to the dignity of human life cut off my last tie to christianity, and from then on I was a pagan.

"It is wrong therefore to speak of a pagan as an irreligious man: irreligious is he only as one who refuses to believe in any special variety of revelation. A pagan always believes in God but would not like to say so, for fear of being misunderstood. All Chinese pagans beleive in God, the most commenly met-with designation in chinese literature being the term chaowu, or the creator of THings. The only difference is that the Chinese pagan is honest enough to leave the Creator of Things in a halo of mystery, toward whom he feels a kind of awed piety and reverence. What is more, that feeling sufices for him. He regards bending to the will of heaven as the ttruly religious and pious attitude and calls it "living in the Tao." If the creator of things wants him to die at 70 he dies at 70.

"He also believes that "heaven's way always goes round" and that there is no permanent injustice in this world.
He does not ask for more."

============
This is such cool stuff and nobody knows about it!

Opera Nut

"God cares about you! Why he sees every sparrow that falls!"

"Yes, but it falls, nonetheless."

---Mark Twain, The Mysterious STranger