Debbie T

At some point you will probably need to tell them. I look at it this way BG and I draw upon my own experience of raising a child. It is ok to admit mistakes to your children. I think this makes you much more trustworthy in your children's eyes that Mom admits when she is wrong. I was brought up with parents that never admitted they were wrong about something. I certainly did not learn to trust them especially when they were clearly wrong and covering up their mistakes. It also takes a toll on your children when this happens as it can confuse them.

But again you don't have to tell them right away, not until you are on sure footing yourself and confident that leaving your belief was right. At some point your children are going to realize something has changed. When the time is right and you talk to your children perhaps you can give them a choice of going to church and let them decide (depending on their age?). If they are very young this won't be much of a problem. If they are older children and this is all they know it might be harder on them. You also said your husband is a Christian? You two will have to come to a decision on how the children will be told. It won't be good to have your children caught between the two of you if you and your husband have a problem about this. This I think will be the hardest part.

A good book might be helpful for you Teaching Your Children Values by Linda and Richard Eyer. Dan Barker also wrote a book - Maybe Right, Maybe Wrong: A Guide For Young Thinkers

This is where you are going to have to keep some perspective, and I know from experience this is not easy to do. When you start getting feed back from them about your leaving this belief system behind as they will be pulling all those strings that are attached to the emotional hooks that Christianity has placed in you. After awhile you will recognize the hook and won't be controlled by it. Just being aware of the manipulations will help you recognize them when they happen.

You are not really betraying them are you? If they feel betrayed that is about them and not about you. You can't betray yourself, you need to be true to yourself.

Yes that can be a hard one at first. But guess what? You really didn't have the divine aid in the first place. When it came right down to it, it was you all along that came to your own aid. Understand that you have been taught that you are not in charge of yourself that God is. Anything and everything you did had to be checked with Sky Daddy. Just think now you only have to check with yourself. You are the one in control as you have been all along. It also means taking responsibility for yourself, no more "the devil made me do it". The best part about this is the self growth. You grow up!

You are not alone in the universe, this planet is teeming with life and some how life becomes better because you aren't looking for the better in the after life this is the better. For me it made me appreciate life so much more.

Opera Nut

Those Xtians who say "you weren't really saved" after you leave the faith, are playing mind games.
They are dissing your reality.

The experience of "being saved", "accepting God into your heart", "slain in the Spirit", "Doing what God tells you to", etc., --- those are NOT objective reality. They are subjective reality.
They are an experience unique to that person. If you did NOT have that experience, as they described it, you can't force it to happen, like they think you can.

Your reality as an x-Xtian and theirs are different. Your experiences are different. They don't respect your view. They are basically saying "You don't share my subjective reality, you didn't have the same experience I did, therefore, YOUR experience is WRONG."

That is a logical fallacy. Because we are all in different bodies, we perceive and think about things differently and there is no way around it. You can't force yourself to have those experiences.

If I had had a subjective expeirence of "hearing" what I believe to be God speaking to me, "seeing" an Angel, "seeing" the Virgin Mary, etc. sufficient to convince me that it was real, then I would believe. But I have no subjective or objective evidence that Xtianity is real, despite my fervent praying, bible reading, churchgoing, tithing, running out of money because I was unemployed and tithing, fervently asking them to help me find a job, because nothing in my life changed. I got more and more depressed (tried to kill myself because of the pain I felt hearing the sermons) and more and more impressed that these people were greedy phonies. The congregations were good people, mostly, but the preachers were power hungry and greedy.

Big deal.

Blondegoddess, don't let them trample YOUR experience. Your experience is just as valid as theirs. They don't like it, but that is just too bad.
:banghead:

"Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind." --- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Giorgia

Dear BG:
I'm in the midst of a project, so I can't answer your original post's question (which I want to do); however, I just want to suggest that, if you live in a city of any size, you may find a transitional "home" in the Unitarian Church (emphasis on "may"!). My experience here in a very liberal city was of a "church" visited by atheists, agnostics, skeptics, protestants, shamans, wiccans, jews, you name it. On a practical level (if you have time while you're still raising children), may I suggest that you join some group of people who like to do something utterly secular (bird-watching, gardening, Sweet Adelines, volunteer at the local humane society, etc. etc.), and establish some friendships which are completely separate from your christian family and friends. Above all: DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT INVESTING IN RATIONAL THOUGHT, AND BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF AND YOUR NEW-FOUND PATH-THROUGH-LIFE
__________________
I'm moving to a small town and starting a "subliminal intentional community" there; if you're sick of noise, contact me.

Aerion

BlondGoddess,

I don't know if you're still reading this unruly thread or not but I hope so.

First, I apologize for some of the insane responses to you. You have every right to question your belief system without condemnation or ridicule. Shame on anyone - theist or atheist - for doing so.

Before I continue, let me point out that I'm an atheist who has been married twice to a theist and has two adult children who are devout Presbytarians. Both kids are elders in their church. In spite of these religious differences, I'm managed to stay on good terms with all of the christians in my life including my ex-wife and her new christian husband.

As to your original question, on a personal level, I think you will find the void left by christianity surprisingly small and easy to fill. It looks much bigger until you cross it. You've already made the first step away from christianity and I suspect there will be no going back for you. You're asking questions but what you really want is validation of your already changed beliefs. I hope you find it here and - most importantly - within yourself. Several people have recommended some good books and I hope that helps you. You are not wrong and you are not bad. Disbelief in God does not make you evil. My Christian son once told me that I was a better person than most people who call themselves Christians. Belief in God does not make you a good person. What makes you a good person is your own personal morals and those do not come from religion and if you doubt that, walk the streets of Belfast or Jerusalem. If you were a good person as a christian, you will just as good a person as an atheist. Perhaps you might even be a better person as a result of having a new perspective of experience to draw from.

Having said that, I think I need to warn you that you will have some tough times ahead. As the christians on this board have made painfully obvious *glares at the guilty ones* those christians in your life are not going to react well to your change in faith. Of greatest concern is your husband who from one of your posts I believe is probably a devout christian. Depending on his attitude, this could cause some serious friction in your relationship. I sincerely hope I'm misreading this.

The path many atheist take after conversion is to become not just atheist but anti-theist. If you read this board a little while you'll see what I mean. In their defense, the christian faith is by definition anti-atheist so it is easy and even natural to assume a similar beligerent posture. But this is something you must avoid if you want to keep peace in your life.

When you finally are "free" of theism, you will have feelings you will want to share. You will want those in your family to share your newfound wisdom. But you have to remember that your change in faith did not come as a result of someone debating your faith with you or even asking you to question it. Your conversion came from deep inside yourself. No one can convince another to disbelieve. Period. If you try you will fail miserably and possibly ruin a relationship.

When you confess to your family and friends your change in faith, how you handle it is going to be important. You must keep in mind that you were once a believer too. You must be vary careful when you confess your change in faith to not belittle belief in God, even accidently or in a round about way. Keep in mind that by simply declaring your disbelieve, you will cause your loved ones to question their beliefs system and they will resent you for that. I know this sounds crazy but I assure you it is sadly but most likely true.

My best advice in handling this is to take an agnostic stance. Don't declare that you are positive that God doesn't exist. Instead concede up front that you are willing to accept that your beliefs may be wrong. It may not be totally true, but think of it as a little white lie. Express your lack of belief as simply and non-confrontally as you possibly can. Keep it short and avoid a debate as much as possible. Reassure your loved ones that your feelings towards them have not changed nor your morals and values. Only the source of those values have changed.

Lastly remember that many people find great comfort in their faith even though you don't. Don't try to take that comfort away from those who benefit from it. Yes, God is a myth and yes that myth has lead many to do great harm in the world but that myth has also done great good and gives comfort to many, many people. Let those who need that faith keep it and hopefully, your problems with your change in faith will be minimal.

And, lastly, let me wish you the best of luck as you will need it.

Love,

Aerion

[edited because this isn't the place to make up words like 'theistism']

beth

Hi, thank you all for your encouragement. I think my body is going through withdrawl from god right now. I have not told anyone but a few friends via email. Some of them I've never personally met, and the others that I do know are on the otherside of the world. They are sad about my decision, but they are mostly supportive. Especially after I explained in detail my religious upbringing.

As to my husband; well I am not sure how to tell him. He freaked when I checked out a book on Feng Shui a few weeks ago when I was thinking of redesigning. He said that he hoped that I was not getting into Eastern Spiritualism. That he was the Hight Priest of his home and would not allow it. So that kind of made me shrink away from him. He is proud by the fact that he has such a good Christian wife. In fact he boasts of it and his unsaved friends even complement him on me. So right now I'm stuck. I've been using more logic when we speak of God. Some of the things he questions I bring out in a new way. I'm trying to make him truly ponder his faith without seeming unsupportive. Our family is in crisis right now due to all sorts of things, mostly external family issues. But I'm scared that because of this stress, his reation will be quite volatile.

I do not want to tell my kids. I do think it would be wrong to change their faith. I think that it is something that they will have to discover on their own. I will answer questions that they have, but I will never rob a child of his or her hope in a God. I believe that a child does need to believe in the invisible. I think if I don't encourage things, they will discover for themselves. So I do bow my head when they want to pray and I do respect the fact that they enjoy church and wish to go. In fact, for the past few months, they are the sole reason, I've attended. My daughter cries when she cannot go and see her friends.

My family, well they are a brood of vipers. At least that is my view of them. They will delight in yet another gossip about me and take immense pleasure in the fall of the mighty me. They adore me, all of them, but that love is very conditional. I must conform, out dress, outshine, and dazzle them to win approval. They will now see me as a repulsive oddity. So I don't want to even deal with them. My friends, well, they will shun me. I've through a little of this when I went through crisis a few years back and began questioning. It wasn't until I came back into the church with full force that they really socialized with me. I do have some pagan friends, but I don't want my kids around them. They, my friends, are amoral flakes that I think would set my children into complete anarchist rebellion.

I do now know that I am no longer a Christian. I feel liberated from the idea of eternal torment in hell. I feel liberated from the oppressiveness of sin. I fear things less now. And I no longer fear a great and terrible god.

edit: Just in case my any of my dear, sweet cousins come in here and recognises my moniker, I do have some awesome cousins.-AND ONE SWEET BROTHER:notworthy

beth

Thank you Aerion. Good advice. Well, all of you had good advice....

Bree

:notworthy :notworthy :notworthy

Please realise that, while your husband and his friends "praise" you for being a good Christian wife, you certainly aren't obligated to live to continue pleasing them. Being a trophy wears you out - eventually you stop living to please your self and only to please them, when they probably don't appreciate you anyway.

Personally, I wouldn't worry about your friends "corrupting" your children. I would expect them to be polite and appropriate around your kids. I wouldn't hesitate letting your children have exposure to different sorts of people. They're going to encounter them anyway, sometime - better for it to be under parental supervision .

beth

Um...well. I can understand what you are saying here. But I do not think that they will exactly do as you say. I have no problems with my children being exposed to different sorts, but I do have a problem if those different sorts speak freely of drug use, orgies, and such around my children.

livius drusus

Sounds like we might have some mutual friends, blondegoddess. Of course, I don't have kids so I get to have the anarchist good times without the paranoia.

beth

Possibly... but I don't think the locale quite matches.