Freethought & Rationalism Archive

seebs · 08-17-2003, 05:19 PM

Well, personally, I'd say anyone who hits on obviously-married people *deserves* to get brutally disappointed as often as possible. MHO.

Anyway, I'm not sure what to suggest. I have never in my life tried to "pick up girls", and I have no real idea of what people who are doing that would expect, or what expectations they can reasonably have. It seems to me that this is one of those situations with no "good" answers; if a guy is looking for a relationship, he may not have thought to offer you any alternatives other than a relationship or a rejection, and, frankly, that's his problem.

Cretinist · 08-17-2003, 05:26 PM

I agree with Sakpo. I've never had a problem with rejection, though I definitely would have a problem with wasting my time. Why would I want to waste my time/money on a girl I'm not gonna go anywhere with, when I could be talking to a single girl who might be interested? Good conversation is nice, but I already have plenty of friends and access to the Internet.

cheetah · 08-17-2003, 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Bible Humper

Don't imply in ANY way that "if only you were single". This is a bright green light, LOL. If a woman is attracted to you, you can overcome a relationship objection in most cases.

WOW! I'm amazed at your confidence. I guess I don't realize how often this happens. I cannot imagine my commitment to my partner flagging enough to allow this to occur to me, but come to think of it, I could picture my friend caving in...

Quote:

Originally posted by Bible Humper

Like I said before, the fact that the interaction was positive at all will make the guy feel good about it, even though he didn't get into your undies.

Yeah, I guess secretly, that's what I was *hoping* to hear, too; that I shouldn't feel guilty because males can enjoy a good conversation, too. That it doesn't have to end in sex to make it a good night or an interesting time. Since we talked to a lot of guys, and based on these responses, I would guess maybe a couple of them did walk away having enjoyed the conversation, some were disappointed at the wasted time and some forgot about us without a second thought.

cheetah · 08-17-2003, 05:41 PM

Hmmm, as much as it was me asking for advice on how to be tactful and friendly and treat guys the way they would most wanted to be treated, I don't think I could necessarily follow the advice given here, though I guess it's good to hear. I personally believe that the one doing the approaching is taking on the responsibility of success or failure and I don't *have* to act any certain way. If he chooses to ignore my ring and "play the game" by not trying to find out if I am unavailable, he's taking a chance, and if I make it extra clear to him, I am just being very generous. I don't mind doing this sometimes, but sometimes I like a good convo. He's not gonna tell me straight out that he hopes to get sex out of me, so I don't know that I am obligated to tell him that he won't get it (unprompted). I.e. if he's not being honest about his motives, and I just am supposed to *guess* why should I be honest about denying his motives before I get what I want, which is a fun convo? Don't mean to sound defensive here at all, just talking this through and trying to evaluate the moral implications. If I was a guy (or a single girl) I would first make sure the "target"

was available, and if I didn't, I was wasting my own money, my fault.

Well, anyway, I appreciate the answers and think I will continue to try to work the information in early in these instances where possible without causing myself undue guilt and concern, knowing that the guy who approaches is an intelligent being and takes responsibility for what he wants to find out about me and how soon, also. I believe that is fair, if not the most beneficial situation to the guy. But, again, thanks for giving me an insight into what guys really might hope a woman would do.

wordsmyth · 08-17-2003, 05:47 PM

Most guys (note not all) do not go to dance clubs unless they are looking to hook up or they are already with someone in which case its unlikely they would even approach you. Most (note not all) straight guys really do not enjoy dancing and will generally only engage in that activity for one purpose.

Most guys (note not all) that go out just to have fun will usually go to non-dance club bars like pool halls, bowling alleys, etc.

MasterJackass · 08-17-2003, 06:01 PM

So if they came up to you and said

"hello, I'm man001 and I'd like to chat and buy you a drink. Of course, I will only do this if you are looking to hook up tonight. If you are not, I'll go talk to the brunette over there."

would that be better for you?

cheetah · 08-17-2003, 06:11 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by MasterJackass
So if they came up to you and said

"hello, I'm man001 and I'd like to chat and buy you a drink. Of course, I will only do this if you are looking to hook up tonight. If you are not, I'll go talk to the brunette over there."

would that be better for you?

No, but I guess it would be better for him, as it would prevent him from wasting time and money on me, right?

Ojuice5001 · 08-17-2003, 06:17 PM

Well, I think you should mention that you're taken after about three to five minutes, or when he offers you the first drink. A large majority of the women I've hit on are taken (

, I think I must be going to the wrong places), and that's about when I like to know.

Bible Humper, I can't believe what you're saying about "low-confidence guys." It amounts to saying that any guy who doesn't think he's worth cheating for has low confidence.

I admit, I speak from a complete lack of relationship experience, but I believe that I could easily have the first, second, or third woman I asked out if every woman were available (but as that since most people are in a relationship, that changes everything). Doesn't sound typical of a low-confidence guy to me.

tronvillain · 08-17-2003, 06:43 PM

Well, I would have noticed the rings and probably inquired about them, but it is nice if a girl who is involved works the existence of her significant other into the conversation. That way a guy can decide to move on, or simply enjoy a conversation without any pressure, or try to hit on you anyway. It is rude to come right out and say "I am involved with someone" unless someone is blatantly hitting on you.

So, to recap, have the decency to work the existence of your significant other into the conversation. It is not that hard.

Bible Humper · 08-17-2003, 07:05 PM

Actually, Ojuice, what I said was that low confidence guys would bail when she told them about a husband, not NECESSARILY that all guys who don't go for it despite her marriage are automatically low confidence.

I do think that it is loosely related, though. Most of the guys who would leave after hearing about hubby would gladly do her despite that, if she said straight out that she wanted him. Don't kid yourself, LOL.

Not saying you would or wouldn't personally, but most would.

Quote:

While it's true that low confidence guys would give up the chase if you told them this, they would have much earlier anyway if you had told a story including your husband in it.

08-17-2003, 06:17 PM	#18
Ojuice5001 Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: A city in Florida that I love Posts: 3,416	Well, I think you should mention that you're taken after about three to five minutes, or when he offers you the first drink. A large majority of the women I've hit on are taken (, I think I must be going to the wrong places), and that's about when I like to know. Bible Humper, I can't believe what you're saying about "low-confidence guys." It amounts to saying that any guy who doesn't think he's worth cheating for has low confidence. I admit, I speak from a complete lack of relationship experience, but I believe that I could easily have the first, second, or third woman I asked out if every woman were available (but as that since most people are in a relationship, that changes everything). Doesn't sound typical of a low-confidence guy to me.

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08-17-2003, 05:19 PM	#11
seebs Contributor Join Date: May 2002 Location: Saint Paul, MN Posts: 24,524	Well, personally, I'd say anyone who hits on obviously-married people deserves to get brutally disappointed as often as possible. MHO. Anyway, I'm not sure what to suggest. I have never in my life tried to "pick up girls", and I have no real idea of what people who are doing that would expect, or what expectations they can reasonably have. It seems to me that this is one of those situations with no "good" answers; if a guy is looking for a relationship, he may not have thought to offer you any alternatives other than a relationship or a rejection, and, frankly, that's his problem.

08-17-2003, 05:26 PM	#12
Cretinist Banned Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Hell Posts: 399	I agree with Sakpo. I've never had a problem with rejection, though I definitely would have a problem with wasting my time. Why would I want to waste my time/money on a girl I'm not gonna go anywhere with, when I could be talking to a single girl who might be interested? Good conversation is nice, but I already have plenty of friends and access to the Internet.

08-17-2003, 05:41 PM	#14
cheetah Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 2,118	Hmmm, as much as it was me asking for advice on how to be tactful and friendly and treat guys the way they would most wanted to be treated, I don't think I could necessarily follow the advice given here, though I guess it's good to hear. I personally believe that the one doing the approaching is taking on the responsibility of success or failure and I don't have to act any certain way. If he chooses to ignore my ring and "play the game" by not trying to find out if I am unavailable, he's taking a chance, and if I make it extra clear to him, I am just being very generous. I don't mind doing this sometimes, but sometimes I like a good convo. He's not gonna tell me straight out that he hopes to get sex out of me, so I don't know that I am obligated to tell him that he won't get it (unprompted). I.e. if he's not being honest about his motives, and I just am supposed to guess why should I be honest about denying his motives before I get what I want, which is a fun convo? Don't mean to sound defensive here at all, just talking this through and trying to evaluate the moral implications. If I was a guy (or a single girl) I would first make sure the "target" was available, and if I didn't, I was wasting my own money, my fault. Well, anyway, I appreciate the answers and think I will continue to try to work the information in early in these instances where possible without causing myself undue guilt and concern, knowing that the guy who approaches is an intelligent being and takes responsibility for what he wants to find out about me and how soon, also. I believe that is fair, if not the most beneficial situation to the guy. But, again, thanks for giving me an insight into what guys really might hope a woman would do.

08-17-2003, 05:47 PM	#15
wordsmyth Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Des Moines, Ia. U.S.A. Posts: 521	Most guys (note not all) do not go to dance clubs unless they are looking to hook up or they are already with someone in which case its unlikely they would even approach you. Most (note not all) straight guys really do not enjoy dancing and will generally only engage in that activity for one purpose. Most guys (note not all) that go out just to have fun will usually go to non-dance club bars like pool halls, bowling alleys, etc.

08-17-2003, 06:01 PM	#16
MasterJackass Regular Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: California Posts: 118	So if they came up to you and said "hello, I'm man001 and I'd like to chat and buy you a drink. Of course, I will only do this if you are looking to hook up tonight. If you are not, I'll go talk to the brunette over there." would that be better for you?

08-17-2003, 06:43 PM	#19
tronvillain Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Alberta, Canada Posts: 5,658	Well, I would have noticed the rings and probably inquired about them, but it is nice if a girl who is involved works the existence of her significant other into the conversation. That way a guy can decide to move on, or simply enjoy a conversation without any pressure, or try to hit on you anyway. It is rude to come right out and say "I am involved with someone" unless someone is blatantly hitting on you. So, to recap, have the decency to work the existence of your significant other into the conversation. It is not that hard.

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