Chiron

Hiya!

There hasn't been a lot of discussion between lefties and the rest of this forum. I am not "bending over" for them at all (I don't quite know what he's -- I mean, I'm getting at here), but they, the lefties, fear me because I speak veraciously and they just cannot accept it.

Humans AREN'T ANIMALS. Yeah, we munch, go poopy and tinkle like mammals, but we're different because we have a brain, and they don't. Sorry, I mean that it's actually a matter of degree: we have more brainage than lower animals, and that's what separates us from them. Just like male from female (oh, wait, not that either, 'cos differences in brain size are proportional to differences in body size). So anyway, the human brain can do all kinds of stuff. It can think, reason, and even change in morphological or physiological characteristics over time if we allow it to. Also, our brain has the capacity to learn things like what's right and wrong, according to cultures mores. We know doing bad stuff is wrong. Every single society in the world knows that bad stuff is wrong (excepting the ones that don't and require crusades and holy wars to learn who's boss), but people CHOOSE to do bad stuff, so they'll reap... the poison... um, have bad stuff done to them (nice recovery, me!) if they are caught. No other animal on earth, at all, has any kind of morals, thoughts, reason, love, capacity to feel pain and do math, and the undecillions of other things that humans alone are capable of. And even those damn animals that APPEAR to feel pain, don't. It's a vast animal conspiracy to make us think they can feel pain and do all those other things; fortunately for us, because they can't think, they can't form conspiracies. But they are, anyway. Don't ask me how. Shaddup, dammit!
Therefore, we humans rule.

When a baby is born, it can't do anything by choice. Everything it later does is BY CHOICE. Human babies are taught things by their elders, and they emulate their elders. If the humans smacked their chests with hammers instead of walking, the baby would also do so, causing the extinction of the human race. This is known as "natural progression".

Hence, the lefty movement. I want the lefties to quit lying to and bullshitting at everyone and speak the truth. If you are left-handed, you CHOOSE the lifestyle. Do not tell me that you are born left-handed, because that's bullshit and a lie. The sad thing is that militants preach that people are born left-handed and the regular mainstream posts it as truth.

If left-handedness were inborn and not a choice, then there would be no ambidexterity. Also, in more morally-straight times, many left-handed men used to write righty. OK, you say, the lefty was "in the closet", so to speak, and was afraid to be open. Well, they enjoyed writing righty, as evidenced by the fact that they did write righty. So, it is safe to assume that they enjoyed writing with their right hands. If I were a righty, why would I choose to write lefty to cover my true feelings for right-handed writing? Same thing with all those "lefties"! look over here... now look over there! If we look at lefties as a whole, we would find that most come from shattered homes, or had to endure rape or other degradation.

Our right hands have a purpose: to write. Humans have two hands just so they can apply more strength than they could if they only have one. This is nature. Anything out of this scope is UNNATURAL for human beings. Period. I have heard about left-handed famous people, but left-handed famous people do not have the brain of a human being, and because left handed famous people cannot reason or think for themselves, they do not know any better. Humanists who claim that being left-handed is normal because left-handed famous people do it, demean humanity, demean you, and they demean your spouse and your children. We are better than this.

I don't mind being a lone voice in this. I have provided and will provide all kinds of information showing the vile nature of lefties in society, ways for lefties to get help from their illness. There is hope when all facts are revealed.

Now, I would like to go extend my inspiration: it used to be that left-handedness was ruthlessly stamped out of children when it was first discovered. This is because it is a sign of devilish possession. Period. However, the lefty movement, a threat to society if ever there was one, has made it socially acceptable to write with one's left hand. They have enlisted the media to portray left-handedness as "normal" and "natural", when in fact, it is the very opposite! However, once a lefty is allowed to reach adulthood without severe and rigorous correction, he or she almost never turns around. They are already falling into Hades. So we must lobby the government to require all schools to again correct left-handedness at the only time it is really effective: when our children are young!

-Chiron
I'm a lefty, too, but I'm trying very hard to overcome this sick and disgusting condition. Jeebus is helping me!

Veovis

I certainly hope this is satire, because I am left-handed and I am PROUD!!! (Or at least not ashamed.)

Karalora

It's the same analogy I've used many a time, but it rarely convinces anyone.

Oddly enough, it wasn't so long ago that they did think lefthandedness was somehow "wrong", or at least inappropriate. My southpaw mom tells me about her grade-school days, when she was literally forced to write with her right hand. And they didn't understand why her penmanship was so poor.

openeyes

I tried to keep my kids from noticing my two left-handed brothers, but alas, the older one is a strong lefty. Apparently I'm not a proper parent.

It just doesn't look right, the way lefties have to hold their pen and crook their hand when they write.

Chiron

Well, probably more along the lines of parody, because what I posted was a bit too heavy-handed to be satire. If you haven't seen it yet, look at Senor Boogie Woogie's thread "The specialty of humanity.", (to which I also linked in the word "inspiration"). Basically, I took his *ahem* essay and rewrote portions of it, (mostly at the top), and changing instances of "gay" whatever permutation of "lefty" and "left-handed" fit (given that "gay" can play several different parts of speech). The only real exception to this is the last paragraph, which I wrote from scratch and added extra doses of stupid.

And yes, I know (and knew) that left-handedness used to be "wrong" and quashed wherever found. And I'm also lefty, and semi-proud (or not ashamed) of it, too.

Basically, my message is "the views espoused in the OP diametrically oppose my real views." Hope that clears everything up.

So everyone else, just come and laugh at it.

-Chiron

Godot

I was going to respond in a serious manner, particularly relating to the naturalistic fallacy put forth. But then I realised nobody could honestly spout such drivel and intend it to be true.

Now I just think you wanted an excuse to use the "thumbs up" icon, which as it turns out, is a left hand!!!

Makes you think, don't it?


Edit: misnamed the fallacy. All better now.

Roland98

Have you never been refuted on your views as well?

Nialler

Nice parody, and every bit as meaningful as the post it's based on.

Isn't it a fact that the latin word for left-handed is "Sinister"?

Chiron

Nialler: "Isn't it a fact that the latin word for left-handed is "Sinister"?"
Yep. Comes from the fact that most people are right-handed (dexter). So if you want to show someone that you are unarmed, you would extend your empty right hand, which'd be reciprocated. However, if you were left-handed (sinister), you could have a dagger or rapier hidden in your left hand so that, when the other guy shakes with his right, you can whip 'round your left and stab him a new one.

"sinister" (the Latin word) also has other meanings, like inappropriate, adverse, and unlucky (with dexter meaning the opposites). It's interesting to note another word from a foreign language that means similar things: gauche, from French. Gauche means "left", but with similarly bad con- and dennotations.

Godot: "Now I just think you wanted an excuse to use the "thumbs up" icon, which as it turns out, is a left hand!!! "
*gasp!* I hadn't even realized that! It must be my inner sinister, demonic nature showing through! Because I'm a lefty! And therefore I am sick and depraved and disgusting and immoral! (Hoorj!)

Infernally Yrs.,
-Chiron