Queen of Swords

Cheers, mates, and welcome back to another spot of Ye Olde Nutwatche! I�m your host, QueenofSwords, and this week�s subject hails from Britain, where the young �uns are in as much need of salvation as their Bible Belt counterparts, although the fundies seem to be even more over-the-top than the American variety. It all culminates in a treatise on the Delivering Digit of God, by a 9/11 survivor who shoehorns God and/or Jesus into every sentence; get yourself a plate of fish and chips and settle in, because this week�s Nutwatch says �Let your children go� to

Kernow Youth

I knew that this would be a fascinating glimpse of fundamentalism the moment I opened Kernow Youth�s homepage and started reading what I thought was a familiar story � unbelieving teacher challenges (True) Christian student, only to get resoundingly smacked down. But I was so wrong, folks, because this teacher didn�t just get smacked down.

�Jesus not only didn�t rise from the grave,� he continued, �but there�s no God in heaven who would allow his son to be crucified in the first place.�

�There�s only one explanation for this!� The teacher whirled around and pointed to Mary. �Jesus wasn�t really God�s son, was he? It�s no use, Mary, the DNA test results are coming in today! Whose son was he? Troy�s? Matthew�s? Or wait� Jason had a vasectomy, but that was after he broke up with you and started dating Sylvia��

�Sir, I believe in God,� James protested. �And I believe in the resurrection!�

�And I believe that if I�m a very good boy and sleep with my hands outside the blanket, I�ll go to a magic land made of marshmallows.�

�James, you can believe what you wish to, of course,� the teacher replied. �However� the resurrection is a scientific impossibility. No one who believes in miracles can also respect science.�

�God isn�t limited by science,� James responded. �He created science!�

It�s in the James Version of the bible : �In the beginning, God created heaven and earth and science. Now evolutionary biology was more crafty than any science God had made, and it said to the woman...�

Engaged by James� outspoken faith,

�James, I love your outspoken faith, and I want it to have my children. Will it marry me?�

the teacher proposed a scientific experiment. Reaching into his refrigerator, he produced a raw egg and held it up.

What kind of teacher keeps a refrigerator stocked with eggs in his classroom? A frequently hungry teacher? Or maybe they were actually human eggs, and the evil unbelieving teacher was trying to breed an army of atheists.

�I�m going to drop this egg on the floor,� he stated. �Gravity will pull it toward the floor with such force that the egg will most certainly break.�

James immediately produced a wool-padded catcher�s mitt from the classroom locker. �Nay, foul villain! I need but thrust this betwixt thy barbarous hand and the innocent egg which thou wouldst destroy!�

Fixing James with a look of challenge, he concluded his proposal.

�This ring symbolizes my unending love. It used to be my mother�s, and if you are willing to make me the happiest man in the world, it will be yours.�

�Now James, I want you to pray a prayer right now and ask your God to keep this egg from breaking when it hits the floor. If he can do that, then you�ll have proven your point, and I�ll have to admit that there�s a God.�

Or better yet, he could crack the egg open and make it fry, while an unseen hand wrote on the blackboard, �This is your brain on religion�.

After pondering the challenge for a moment, James slowly stood to pray. �Dear Heavenly Father,� he began. �I pray that when my teacher drops the egg... it will break into a hundred pieces! And also, Lord, I pray that when the egg does break, my teacher will have a heart attack and die! Amen.�

Whatever happened to praying in Jesus�s name? James, you forgot to say the magic words to wind up the charm! Seriously, though, was this supposed to impress anyone, much less convert them to the worship of God the Gatling Gun?

For a moment the teacher did nothing. At last he looked at James and then at the egg.

Teacher : James, this dead chicken embryo has more of a brain than you do.

Without a word he carefully put the egg back in the refrigerator. �Class dismissed,� the teacher said and sat down to clear his desk.

Why does the teacher always either dismiss the class or run away from it? Wouldn�t any teacher ask the class what they thought of manipulative, illogical, ludicrous arguments like the one they had just witnessed? After all, even if one student is buried up to his fontanelle in lunacy, the others might still be saved.

Life without Christ is a much greater risk and much less fun than standing up for ones faith.

But with the Internet Infidels Discussion Board, it can be one of the most entertaining experiences of your life.

Standing up for Christ is ALWAYS worth the risk!

What risk? Are atheists invoking science against you? Are Hindus praying that Shiva will make you have a heart attack and die? From this story, it seems like the fundies are the ones producing all the risks, but that�s a recurrent characteristic of Kernow Youth � the ostrich-like ability to ignore what they or others have written, and nowhere is it more obvious than in the article

Ten Things Every Christian Should Know

1. If your teacher ever takes an egg out of the refrigerator, he�s got more than yummy omelette in mind.

Life is not fair. Nobody EVER said it was. So don't whinge, get on with what you've got�

I really hope the author of this article doesn�t belong to the Samaritans.

God has his reasons for letting those crappy things happen to you, and he has planned a day to sort the whole thing out - it's called judgement day.

Just one day to sort the whole thing out? So at sundown (or perhaps that should be Sondown, the time Jesus goes to beddy-byes), God says, �All right, that�s it! Everyone who didn�t get their problems sorted out, too bad! Life is not fair and nobody EVER said it was!�

Seriously, though, what if you were raped and dismembered by someone who subsequently became a True Christian? I guess there�s nothing to sort out; you simply have to give your killer a big hug and get on with what you�ve got. This would explain why God wants more people to become True Christians � he�ll have so much less to sort out on the no doubt jam-packed judgement day.

God doesn't promise you anything in return for you giving him everything, except eternal life. That's just the way it is. If you think it's unfair see (1) above.

God needs better PR. I don�t think Kernow Youth is exactly helping his case here.

You will have bad days. You will wake up crabby sometimes

and you will find yourself retaining water, but this is something many young women go through each month.

and wonder what's going on and why you ever bothered with this Christianity stuff. You will have days when you wonder if God even exists. Don't let them bother you too much - often it's just your emotions playing games with you.

Joy : Let�s play Scrabble! Look, I spelled out �Atheism�, for a total of 26 points!
Despair : No, let�s play Cluedo! It was Colonel Mustard on Calvary with the candlestick!

Sometimes it really does look as though God is not in control. Relax. He's just not as much of a control freak as you and me.

This would be the same god who killed everyone for not obeying him? I can only imagine how much of a control freak the unfortunate author is.

You will never be perfect while you're on this planet. If you think you've made it, you've lost it. But on the other hand, there's no such thing as an unforgivable sin, so relax a bit.

Until you read the parts of the bible where Jesus says, "Be ye therefore perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect� (Matthew 5:48) and �Whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit can never have forgiveness, but is guilty of an eternal sin" (Mark 3:28�29). Then you can descend into the depths of despair, at least until you get a shot in the arm of

Unconditional Love

Not having any of this, the unfortunate author resorted to controlled substances instead, until his Mummy insisted that he leave.

She�d had enough when she found out I was taking drugs - by the age of 18 I was sniffing cocaine and heroine.

I don�t want to know where he was sniffing the heroine. Still, he found a non-Christian friend who dragged him deeper into the seedy underbelly of the drug subculture.

As soon as we were in England I found out he was on heroine...

�but at least the friend apparently used the missionary position.

I think at that time God was looking after me even though I ignored His existence; I never got hooked on drugs, and I managed to go to a work agency and got away from the drug scene.

It�s a shame that God couldn�t prevent him from starting to take cocaine and heroine in the first place, but God knows that even drug dealers have got to eat and pay the rent. That�s God for you, caring for even the lowest of the low.

While here in Cornwall I met what I considered a strange and beautiful lady, Sarah. She was in a wheelchair and obviously in some kind of pain,

so I offered her some kind of drugs.

she told me how she was coping with not been able to walk and with the pain, there was a strange light within her that at first I didn�t understand

but which I later realized was the glowing bait of the female angler-fish.

but I wanted whatever it was that she obviously had.

Obviously heroine.

It doesn�t matter what you have done, there is someone there that will love you no matter what you have done.

The author who wrote this article and penned his observations therein is from the Department of Redundancy, Repetition and Reiteration Department.

Sarah said to me: �there is nothing you have done that will make Jesus love you any less and there is nothing you can do to make Him love you any more�.

So why bother doing anything regarding Jesus, since his love is as impersonal as nitrogen and far more inert? It�s also the kind of love that will burn you in hell if there�s something you don�t do, but the author never explores this possibility, since he was too busy marrying the heroin � see what I mean about the female angler-fish? Still, he�s not the only lawbreaker around, as is evident from the title of another article :

I found Jesus in a prison cell

He was doing ten to twelve for armed robbery. Which explains why he wasn�t around to help troubled teens like

Philippa

Sadly when I was 8 my father died of a brain tumour , but praise God, he's in heaven (He was a Christian).

Do you even have to explain it, Philippa? I mean, if he was anything else, he would be screaming in endless torment, much to your distress � so he had damn well better have been a Christian.

In school I was verbally bullied because of an untrue rumour that went around. For me, I hated it, and I couldn't even stand up for myself and when people asked about it, I was paralysed by fear. I physically mentally hating thinking about it

I�m not exactly fond of this level of incoherence either. Great Scott, could she be on heroine?

but worse I knew it wasn't true and for 4 years I put up with it!

It�s called turning the other cheek; get used to it. Oddly, Kernow Youth seems to be unfamiliar with a great many biblical concepts, though their own creative christianity more than makes up for it.

God spoke so powerfully through them saying "i love u so much, I accept you for u�"

God : hey n00b, u can be l33t, just phear me! And if u don�t know that u & I both r0x0r, read

You�re Worth More Than You Think

In 1995 I went to a Christian youth event, where I heard that every time I starved, cut or burnt myself I was doing it to Jesus.

In other words, you are Jesus! Just think, Kernow Youth came up with �Thou art God� only a few dozen years after Robert Heinlein did.

There he was hanging on a cross to take the blame for all the rubbish stuff that I do that needs to be punished,

I don�t know who looks like the bigger nitwit here, Jesus or the author. Seriously, this teenspeak doesn�t exactly make Christianity come across as the best thing since leavened bread.

and I was adding to it by taking a razor and cutting his arm!

Jesus : No, no, cut my side! I�ve been retaining water there, and you�ve got to get it all out! Cut my side, I said! Ahhh! Thank you, Mr. Roman Legionary, sir!

I could cope with hurting myself, because I �deserved it�, but I couldn�t cope with hurting someone else.

What a pity God doesn�t have that problem.

I learnt that God thought I was amazing when he made me.

Yes, amazingly messed up.

He didn�t look and say, �Pants what a rubbish job I made of that one�,

�Pants�? Is this some British slang or does the Creator of the universe normally address his clothing? What�s next, �Thong, that burnt offering smells great�?

I believe He said, � Wow isn�t she amazing, she�s perfect� - and I believe He�d say that about everyone - God doesn�t make mistakes.

Somehow I can�t see the �none are righteous� god of the bible mouthing pop psychology sugarlumps like that, but we�re dealing with a kinder, emasculated god here. Perhaps his James-like followers provide enough nastiness to go around, so none is required from him?

He knew you before you were in your mother�s womb

Floating around in limbo like a bit of thistledown, with as much of a brain and personality. I can�t see what the fun was for God in �knowing� this, even in the biblical sense of the word.

and he knows what your going to do with your life.

Your going to accept him as your lord, master, owner and absolute authority, of course, or else you�ll be part of a small and silly minority, as described in the article

Seeing Is Believing

Only the fool says in his heart 'there is no God'. Only 4.5% of the world's population are atheists. Are you really that stupid?

Mr. Chick! What are you doing on that side of the Atlantic? Still, I see you�re winning friends and influencing people with your inimitable blend of logic and charm, and perhaps we can return to your roots with a seminal article on a 9/11 miracle,

The Finger of God

Probably his little finger, judging from the amount of good it did. The story is narrated by Stanley, who was trapped in one of the towers when the planes hit, and who quickly utilized the bravest and most practical strategy for escape.

The plane appeared to be 100 yards away. I said �Lord, you take control, I can�t help myself here��. So he dived under his desk�

Perhaps he had rigged it up with blankets and bibles in case he ever needed a plane shelter.

�Lord you take control, this is your problem now,� he prayed.

�You�re the one who�s stuck here, Lord, not me! I�m on a Malibu beach with a hot blond chick in a string bikini!�

�The good Lord gave me so much strength I was able to shake everything off,� he says, �I felt like the strongest man alive!�

It�s Stanley : The Legendary Journeys! Or maybe, like Samson, he could try pushing both the towers over single-handedly!

�Everything I�m trying to climb over is collapsing and I�m falling down,� he says, �I�m getting cuts and bruises, but I�m saying, �Lord, I have to go home to my loved ones, I have to make it, and you have to help me!�

And the Lord replied, �I don�t have to do anything, Stanley, but for ten grand in small, used, non-sequential bills��

Then, suddenly, he saw the light of a torch. �My gut reaction was, �This is my guardian angel! My Lord sent someone to help me!�

Why would God need to send anyone? Couldn�t He just snap his fingers, Q-like, and teleport Stanley right out of the building?

So, he began screaming, �I see the light! I see the light!�

And then Sarah, the woman with the strange light within her, wheeled herself into the room. �I was looking for the ladies� loo,� she said, bewildered.

He called out to the man on the other side of the wall, �There�s one thing I�ve got to know, do you know Jesus?�

�Yeah, sure, mate, he�s the assistant manager at Taco Bell.�

The man replied that he went to church. With time running out, Stanley didn�t pursue it further,

Damn, if only Stanley and the man weren�t both in danger of their lives, they could have had a lovely discussion about whether they went to the Reformed Baptist Church of the Lord Council of 1875 or not.

but he prayed with the man that God would help them break through the wall. �I got up, and I felt as if a power came over me. I felt goose bumps all over my body and I was trembling.�

The man was that hot? Well, when you�ve only got a few minutes to live, I suppose you�d better grab whatever God sends you.

So they doused themselves under the building�s sprinklers and, holding each other�s hands,

looking deep into each other�s eyes, pledging each other their undying love�

ran through the flames � all the way to safety at Trinity Church� �I wanted to thank God,� Stanley explains, �As soon as I held on to the gate of that church, Tower Two collapsed! � It was as if my good Lord was holding up the building in the palms of his hands until we got to safety.�

Yes, you and your unnamed boyfriend were the only important people in the building, Stanley. After all, He�s your good Lord and I�ll bet you can�t remember the last time you loaned Him out to anyone.

Stanley praises God for sparing his life, and says that whatever he does, it will always be for God�s glory. �I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt,� he says, �My Lord Jesus is bigger than the Trade Centre

He must be like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, a great bloated blimp merrily striding through the streets of the city. Or, when he�s mad, he�s Godzilla. I knew that name couldn�t be a coincidence.

and his finger can push a plane aside!�

The Finger of God seems to have been all the way up the Nose of God, considering that it could push a plane aside but didn�t bother to try. Well, none so blind as those who can�t or won�t see what they�ve just written, and who don�t seem to realize that they come off as oblivious bullies when they're not being blithely incoherent. I don't know where they got figure of only 4.5% of the world's population being atheists, but less than 4.5% of the world's population belong to Kernow Youth. And for that, let us all be grateful.

Till next week, everyone!

QueenofSwords

JonathanChance

You know, the nutwatch would make a great segment on an atheist-themed radio show or something.

Another great nutwatch, Queenie! :notworthy

MacPrince

Hey, Atheist Network has a whole bunch of empty slots in their schedule. I'm looking particularly at the 9AM or 10AM slot on Monday...QoS finishes the Nutwatch and turns it in on Sunday night to someone who reads it, hot & fresh, the very next morning.

The only problem is finding someone to read it...you really need two people (or one person who's good at voices) to read it effectively; one for the Nut's material, one for QoS's commentary.

MacPrince

Oh, and of course, great Nutwatch, Queen! :notworthy

(The day that you write a bad Nutwatch, Queen, is the day that I know the world's about to end.)

JonathanChance

Well, I'm pretty damn good at voices, and I'm a theatre major, and a cople of people have told me that I'd make a great Morning show DJ, and I have a face for radio......

lpetrich

This seems like a version of the dropped-chalk story, in which an atheist professor challenges his students to keep a dropped piece of chalk from breaking by utilizing the power of prayer.

There are several versions of this story, with such different dropped items as a dropped flask; this story has been around for decades.

Also, that "Ten Things Every Christian Should Know" is Panglossianism, pure and simple. Here is the original statement:

Pangloss taught metaphysico-theologico-cosmo-codology. He could prove wonderfully that there is no effect without cause and that, in this best of all possible worlds, His Lordship the Baron's castle was the most beautiful of castles and Madam the best of all possible baronesses.

"It is demonstrably true," he would say, "that things cannot be other than as they are. For, everything having been made for a purpose, everything is necessarily for the best purpose. Observe how noses were made to bear spectacles, and so we have spectacles. Legs are evidently devised to be clad in breeches, and breeches we have. Stones were formed in such a way that they can be hewn and made into castles, and so His Lordship has a very beautiful castle. The greatest baron in the province must be the best lodged. And since pigs were made to be eaten, we eat pork all the year round. Consequently, those who have argued that all is well have been talking nonsense. They should have said that all is for the best."

(from Chapter 1 of Voltaire's Candide, translated by Roger Pearson (Oxford:_Oxford University Press,_1990))

And I think that QoS will enjoy this Nutwatch-style commentary, Smacked by an Angel, about pop singer Natalie Cole's gross religious narcissism.

Like claiming that she was protected by angels when she left a crackhouse with some cocaine only seconds before the cops showed up to bust the place.

Captain Pedantic

I used to live in Cornwall. Actually, I was born and brought up there, in a shitty village called Bugle. I now live in Bognor Regis, which is certainly no barrel of excitement, but it's great to be within walking distance of a shop that sells newspapers that aren't the Daily Mail. Or the Sun.

Anyway, the minute I saw the word "Kernow", I thought I must look. I must say, I've never met any real nutcase fundies (just regular nutcase nutcases, as one gets in certain rural places). I continue, however, to be glad that I left that place.

GunnerJ

Jebus: STFU satan, & pr3p@r3 4 sub7!

Satan: I mailbombed u LOLOLOL

Kim o' the Concrete Jungle

It's amazing how much mileage you can get out of a single spelling mistake.

Aravnah Ornan

All of the Christian writings on September 11 that I've read would make great Chick tracts for atheism. This one is no exception.

Great job yet again, QoS!