Freethought & Rationalism Archive

trekbette · 02-18-2003, 10:15 PM

A co-worker sent this to me. I have asked her before not to send my stuff like this. I really want to send her something (a joke?) from the Atheist�s viewpoint. Any ideas or some help disecting this joke would be most welcome.

The Atheist
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
"What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look.
He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him,reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to
help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, Bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."

Dark Jedi · 02-18-2003, 10:52 PM

replace Atheist with Christian, and Christian with Muslim, then send it back.

Or, send them a racist joke. When they get offended, ask them why they can be, but you cannot.

VonEvilstein · 02-19-2003, 02:15 AM

And while the bear was praying, the Atheist poked out both his eyes, kicked him in the nuts and beat him into a bloody mess with a large branch that was lying about.

Although not as good as the reversals suggested above.

Or the Atheist states: since I don't actually have a god, any god, would you please piss back off to wherever you came from and mind your own business and respect my freedom of expression? Obviously, this being cannot be an all-knowing god, or he would have realized straight away that the Atheist couldn't possibly be calling on him.

Naaah, the reversal would probably still be more effective!

simian · 02-19-2003, 05:19 AM

And then the atheist woke up from the odd dream and wondered why his dreams dealt with such fantasy concepts as a god and talking animals. Of course, later that day, he ran into others people in his city who believed in talking animals (snake and donkey, to be specific), magic fruit trees, and dieties with multiple personality disorders.

Simian

Alonzo Fyfe · 02-19-2003, 05:27 AM

Never mind.

Clarice · 02-19-2003, 06:12 AM

Here's one I liked from Free Inquiry:

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

ZiprHead · 02-19-2003, 06:14 AM

Send them this (someone else posted this recently and I stole it):

GOD HATES CHAIN MAIL!

This Is Amazing But True! Please forward it to as many people as you can ! IT WORKS!!

This message has been around the world six times. It was started in Buenos Aires,
Argentina by a Catholic nun named Sister Anita Margarita and is intended to bring this
message to the world:

STOP FORWARDING INANE E-MAIL CRAP
OR VERILY GOD WILL LOP PARTS OF YOU CLEAN OFF.

Miss Veronica Smoots of Brooklyn received this message and forwarded it right away to two friends. Her hands fell off immediately. A Mr. Heckeldorf of Munich did not forward the message for over a week, during which time he won the lottery four times. Then he finally forwarded it and his shoulders fell off, and also his lap. Mrs. Emily Kirkland of Seattle, Washington received the message and didn't forward it, but her legs fell off anyway --- apparently a clerical error, which was caught right away and her legs fell back on, plus she got a set of valuable coupons in the mail.

>>If you forward this message to five people, five parts will fall off, like your ears, eyes
and nose.

>>If you forward it to fifty people...well, no one knows what happens then. Can't be good.

>>If you forward it to exactly seventeen people, for some reason, someone will bring you
a double layer cake --- but then your lips fall off, like the next day. But the cake is really
good.

If you don't send it at all, amazing things start happening! Several red cars will drive by
your house within 24 hours. Your phone will ring and someone will call you BY NAME and ask if you need vinyl siding. You will get sick, and then not be sick anymore. Within the next few months you will go to the mailbox and learn that you may have won ten million dollars! This is absolutely true, try it! I don't know how it works, but it does.

Rhea · 02-19-2003, 09:09 AM

Ziprhead, that is hysterical!

My reply to this one might be,

"Did you ever notice how tales fabricated to promote Christianity never have women in them? Why is that, do you think? That's so bizarre. I mean, fully half of the planet is female, but God stories are never about Women. Even the bear is male. What do you think?"

nogods4me · 02-19-2003, 09:29 AM

Well, if they like stories about god and bears send them the passages, IIRC it is 2Kings2, 20-24, where the prophet Elisha is heckled by some young men, so god has a couple of bears maul 42 of them. that always cracks me up.

Psycho Economist · 02-19-2003, 09:37 AM

What would really happen...

... SNIP...

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him,reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh shit!"
The end. As far as our friend was concerned anyway.

What? Did you expect a giant turd to come out of the sky and stop the bear in his tracks or something?

02-18-2003, 10:15 PM	#1
trekbette Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Torrance, CA Posts: 533	Please help me respond to this OLD joke. A co-worker sent this to me. I have asked her before not to send my stuff like this. I really want to send her something (a joke?) from the Atheist�s viewpoint. Any ideas or some help disecting this joke would be most welcome. The Atheist An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him,reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, Bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."

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02-18-2003, 10:52 PM	#2
Dark Jedi Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Afghanistan Posts: 4,666	replace Atheist with Christian, and Christian with Muslim, then send it back. Or, send them a racist joke. When they get offended, ask them why they can be, but you cannot.

02-19-2003, 02:15 AM	#3
VonEvilstein Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: .nl Posts: 822	And while the bear was praying, the Atheist poked out both his eyes, kicked him in the nuts and beat him into a bloody mess with a large branch that was lying about. Although not as good as the reversals suggested above. Or the Atheist states: since I don't actually have a god, any god, would you please piss back off to wherever you came from and mind your own business and respect my freedom of expression? Obviously, this being cannot be an all-knowing god, or he would have realized straight away that the Atheist couldn't possibly be calling on him. Naaah, the reversal would probably still be more effective!

02-19-2003, 05:19 AM	#4
simian Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: St. Louis, MO area Posts: 1,924	And then the atheist woke up from the odd dream and wondered why his dreams dealt with such fantasy concepts as a god and talking animals. Of course, later that day, he ran into others people in his city who believed in talking animals (snake and donkey, to be specific), magic fruit trees, and dieties with multiple personality disorders. Simian

02-19-2003, 05:27 AM	#5
Alonzo Fyfe Veteran Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: 920B Milo Circle Lafayette, CO Posts: 3,515	Never mind.

02-19-2003, 06:12 AM	#6
Clarice Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: North Carolina Posts: 862	Here's one I liked from Free Inquiry: As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

02-19-2003, 06:14 AM	#7
ZiprHead Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: SagNasty. Posts: 3,034	Send them this (someone else posted this recently and I stole it): GOD HATES CHAIN MAIL! This Is Amazing But True! Please forward it to as many people as you can ! IT WORKS!! This message has been around the world six times. It was started in Buenos Aires, Argentina by a Catholic nun named Sister Anita Margarita and is intended to bring this message to the world: STOP FORWARDING INANE E-MAIL CRAP OR VERILY GOD WILL LOP PARTS OF YOU CLEAN OFF. Miss Veronica Smoots of Brooklyn received this message and forwarded it right away to two friends. Her hands fell off immediately. A Mr. Heckeldorf of Munich did not forward the message for over a week, during which time he won the lottery four times. Then he finally forwarded it and his shoulders fell off, and also his lap. Mrs. Emily Kirkland of Seattle, Washington received the message and didn't forward it, but her legs fell off anyway --- apparently a clerical error, which was caught right away and her legs fell back on, plus she got a set of valuable coupons in the mail. >>If you forward this message to five people, five parts will fall off, like your ears, eyes and nose. >>If you forward it to fifty people...well, no one knows what happens then. Can't be good. >>If you forward it to exactly seventeen people, for some reason, someone will bring you a double layer cake --- but then your lips fall off, like the next day. But the cake is really good. If you don't send it at all, amazing things start happening! Several red cars will drive by your house within 24 hours. Your phone will ring and someone will call you BY NAME and ask if you need vinyl siding. You will get sick, and then not be sick anymore. Within the next few months you will go to the mailbox and learn that you may have won ten million dollars! This is absolutely true, try it! I don't know how it works, but it does.

02-19-2003, 09:09 AM	#8
Rhea Veteran Member Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Recluse Posts: 9,040	Ziprhead, that is hysterical! My reply to this one might be, "Did you ever notice how tales fabricated to promote Christianity never have women in them? Why is that, do you think? That's so bizarre. I mean, fully half of the planet is female, but God stories are never about Women. Even the bear is male. What do you think?"

02-19-2003, 09:29 AM	#9
nogods4me Contributor Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Baltimore, MD USA Posts: 17,432	Well, if they like stories about god and bears send them the passages, IIRC it is 2Kings2, 20-24, where the prophet Elisha is heckled by some young men, so god has a couple of bears maul 42 of them. that always cracks me up.

02-19-2003, 09:37 AM	#10
Psycho Economist Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Peoria, IL Posts: 854	What would really happen... ... SNIP... He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him,reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh shit!" The end. As far as our friend was concerned anyway. What? Did you expect a giant turd to come out of the sky and stop the bear in his tracks or something?

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