Freethought & Rationalism Archive

DeuceD · 02-15-2003, 01:30 PM

Hello, all. Circumstances have inspired me to stop lurking these forums and start posing. I need some secular advice. I�m a high school student who�s been dating a fairly devout Roman Catholic girl for almost three months now. I really like being with her, but I think we�ve hit a critical point in the relationship.

This Valentine�s Day, we found ourselves alone in an empty house, and I found out that she considers ALL sexual (read: genital) contact off-limits, although she clearly wants it, and let me, for a while. While this is frustrating enough, I don�t want it to destroy the relationship. I fear, however, that the underlying problem is much deeper than just my wanting sex and her pretending she doesn�t.

This incident sparked a deep religious discussion between us, which wasn�t much of a discussion, since I merely attempted to get her to articulate her beliefs to me (which she couldn�t do). We have a very fundamental difference in how we want to live our lives: she prefers to be ignorant if it makes her happy at all costs; I want to know the truth, and try to make the truth as good as it can be.

To make matters worse, though, I accidentally told her I loved her, although I didn�t mean it. It was more out of confusion and frustration, and I think she knows I didn�t really mean it. Nevertheless, it makes it even more difficult if this relationship is not going to last.

I�m so confused and depressed about my feelings on this. Like I said before, I like being with her and she as well, but I don�t know if our differences are reconcilable. Is it just sexual frustration? I just don�t know what to do. I appreciate your help.

Deuce

beth · 02-15-2003, 04:17 PM

Hon, I must warn you, I'm a female and I find that the fact that you insincerely professed love to her quite uncool. You really need to assess your feelings for this girl and determine whether these are true feelings of affection, or feelings of just plain lust. This girl is in not liable to fulfill your sexual needs. You should not expect her to. She has every right to deny you the actual act. Sex, even apart from religious beliefs, is a very serious thing. Very serious consequences can occur, i.e. pregnancy and STD's. This girl you are dating seems to have her head screwed on straight.

Colander of Truth · 02-15-2003, 04:27 PM

I had counseling with a catholic girlfriend, and the counselor told us not to marry with the differences we had. I had numerous catholic girlfriends. I married an atheist, and am happy.

I do not know what this means FOR YOU.

elanah · 02-15-2003, 05:27 PM

Whether or not you think she secretly wants to have sex with you, you need to obey her wishes in this case. She is not under obligation to do anything with you. Sex can be involved with more than religion. She might not be emotionally ready, or ready to deal with the possible consequences like pregancy or STIs. From your post, it sounds like a lot of the conflict is coming from your disagreement with her religious and philosophical outlook on life. Take a long hard look at the relationship and decide which is more important to you: being with her or being with someone who follows your beliefs (or lack thereof).

And whatever you do, don't tell someone you love them when it's not true.

Just Another Infidel · 02-15-2003, 08:59 PM

Thanks Elanah. I'm appropriately embarrased.

Good night all.

debaser71 · 02-15-2003, 09:15 PM

I think you should stop pressuring her to have sex. Maybe she's using the religion thing as an excuse. Also sounds like you say you love her so she will have sex with you. And when I say 'have sex' I mean all manners of sexuality, not just intercourse.

Anyway I married an antheist, and we still disagree on many things. Although we agree on most political issues. I can't imagine being married to anyone who isn't an atheist, there'd be too much conflict. But that's just me.

elanah · 02-15-2003, 09:28 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by DeuceD
I�m a high school student who�s been dating a fairly devout Roman Catholic girl for almost three months now.

Just to remind people that this is not necessarily a matter of mariage. It's three months in a high school relationship.

DeuceD · 02-16-2003, 09:45 AM

Thanks for the replies.

Perhaps I overplayed the significance of the sex thing. I in no way ever pressured her to do anything she didn't want to, and I have the utmost respect for her decision. It's not that big a deal.

The 'I love you' incident was also entirely unrelated to that, and was definately not to get her to have sex with me. I guess I can't say for sure that I didn't mean it, either, because I really don't know quite what I meant. I do know that I'm not trying to manipulate her or something.

What I'm really concerned about is whether or not our radically different value systems will only create a rift between us, or are there things we could learn from each other that would benefit us both?

Thanks again,
Deuce

Loren Pechtel · 02-16-2003, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by DeuceD
This Valentine�s Day, we found ourselves alone in an empty house, and I found out that she considers ALL sexual (read: genital) contact off-limits, although she clearly wants it, and let me, for a while. While this is frustrating enough, I don�t want it to destroy the relationship. I fear, however, that the underlying problem is much deeper than just my wanting sex and her pretending she doesn�t.

Be very careful--this sort of mixed reaction to sexual contact is a prime cause of unwanted pregnancy.

02-16-2003, 04:18 PM

Well, the love thing was uncalled for, but Im gonna present you with the guys opinion on sex.

If sex is important to you, DUMP her. Not worth wasting your time. Plenty of fish in the sea, and hell, don't you deserve someone who wants to have fun with you? Many people spin off that dumping someone because they wont have sex with you is bad, but its not. Don't fall for the "shallow" concept people throw at you, EVERYONE is shallow.

Of course, if sex isn't important to you, um, plan on renting some pornos for a while.

02-15-2003, 01:30 PM	#1
DeuceD New Member Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Kansas City suburbs Posts: 3	relationship confusion... Hello, all. Circumstances have inspired me to stop lurking these forums and start posing. I need some secular advice. I�m a high school student who�s been dating a fairly devout Roman Catholic girl for almost three months now. I really like being with her, but I think we�ve hit a critical point in the relationship. This Valentine�s Day, we found ourselves alone in an empty house, and I found out that she considers ALL sexual (read: genital) contact off-limits, although she clearly wants it, and let me, for a while. While this is frustrating enough, I don�t want it to destroy the relationship. I fear, however, that the underlying problem is much deeper than just my wanting sex and her pretending she doesn�t. This incident sparked a deep religious discussion between us, which wasn�t much of a discussion, since I merely attempted to get her to articulate her beliefs to me (which she couldn�t do). We have a very fundamental difference in how we want to live our lives: she prefers to be ignorant if it makes her happy at all costs; I want to know the truth, and try to make the truth as good as it can be. To make matters worse, though, I accidentally told her I loved her, although I didn�t mean it. It was more out of confusion and frustration, and I think she knows I didn�t really mean it. Nevertheless, it makes it even more difficult if this relationship is not going to last. I�m so confused and depressed about my feelings on this. Like I said before, I like being with her and she as well, but I don�t know if our differences are reconcilable. Is it just sexual frustration? I just don�t know what to do. I appreciate your help. Deuce

02-15-2003, 08:59 PM	#5
Just Another Infidel Regular Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Seattle, WA, USA Posts: 370	Re: relationship confusion... Thanks Elanah. I'm appropriately embarrased. Good night all.

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02-15-2003, 04:17 PM	#2
beth Veteran Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: where orange blossoms bloom... Posts: 1,802	Hon, I must warn you, I'm a female and I find that the fact that you insincerely professed love to her quite uncool. You really need to assess your feelings for this girl and determine whether these are true feelings of affection, or feelings of just plain lust. This girl is in not liable to fulfill your sexual needs. You should not expect her to. She has every right to deny you the actual act. Sex, even apart from religious beliefs, is a very serious thing. Very serious consequences can occur, i.e. pregnancy and STD's. This girl you are dating seems to have her head screwed on straight.

02-15-2003, 04:27 PM	#3
Colander of Truth Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: Sri Dunka .... Donut: Cruller w/Jimmies Posts: 2,710	I had counseling with a catholic girlfriend, and the counselor told us not to marry with the differences we had. I had numerous catholic girlfriends. I married an atheist, and am happy. I do not know what this means FOR YOU.

02-15-2003, 05:27 PM	#4
elanah Regular Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Waukesha, WI Posts: 309	Whether or not you think she secretly wants to have sex with you, you need to obey her wishes in this case. She is not under obligation to do anything with you. Sex can be involved with more than religion. She might not be emotionally ready, or ready to deal with the possible consequences like pregancy or STIs. From your post, it sounds like a lot of the conflict is coming from your disagreement with her religious and philosophical outlook on life. Take a long hard look at the relationship and decide which is more important to you: being with her or being with someone who follows your beliefs (or lack thereof). And whatever you do, don't tell someone you love them when it's not true.

02-15-2003, 09:15 PM	#6
debaser71 Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: NY Posts: 20	I think you should stop pressuring her to have sex. Maybe she's using the religion thing as an excuse. Also sounds like you say you love her so she will have sex with you. And when I say 'have sex' I mean all manners of sexuality, not just intercourse. Anyway I married an antheist, and we still disagree on many things. Although we agree on most political issues. I can't imagine being married to anyone who isn't an atheist, there'd be too much conflict. But that's just me.

02-16-2003, 09:45 AM	#8
DeuceD New Member Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Kansas City suburbs Posts: 3	Thanks for the replies. Perhaps I overplayed the significance of the sex thing. I in no way ever pressured her to do anything she didn't want to, and I have the utmost respect for her decision. It's not that big a deal. The 'I love you' incident was also entirely unrelated to that, and was definately not to get her to have sex with me. I guess I can't say for sure that I didn't mean it, either, because I really don't know quite what I meant. I do know that I'm not trying to manipulate her or something. What I'm really concerned about is whether or not our radically different value systems will only create a rift between us, or are there things we could learn from each other that would benefit us both? Thanks again, Deuce

02-16-2003, 04:18 PM	#10
himynameisPwn Guest Posts: n/a	Well, the love thing was uncalled for, but Im gonna present you with the guys opinion on sex. If sex is important to you, DUMP her. Not worth wasting your time. Plenty of fish in the sea, and hell, don't you deserve someone who wants to have fun with you? Many people spin off that dumping someone because they wont have sex with you is bad, but its not. Don't fall for the "shallow" concept people throw at you, EVERYONE is shallow. Of course, if sex isn't important to you, um, plan on renting some pornos for a while.

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