Freethought & Rationalism Archive

WWSD · 05-10-2003, 10:59 PM

I found this in my mail the other day, very handy indeed. Funny how it doesn't give the number to call in Deut when your kids are acting up

Quote:

A HANDY REFERENCE LIST OF EMERGENCY PHONE NUMBERS:

 When in sorrow Call John 14
 When men fail you Call Psalm 27
 When you have sinned Call Psalm 51
 When you worry Call Matthew 6:19-34
 When you are in danger Call Psalm 91
 When God seems far away Call Psalm 139
 When your faith needs stirring Call Hebrews 11
 When you are lonely and fearful Call Psalm 23
 When you grow bitter and critical Call I Corinthians 13
 When you feel down and out Call Romans 8:31
 When you want peace and rest Call Matthew 11:25-30
 When the world seems bigger than God Call Psalm 90
 When you want Christian assurance Call Romans 8:1-30
 When you leave home for labor or travel Call Psalm 121
 When your prayers grow narrow or selfish Call Psalm 67
 When you want courage for a task Call Joshua 1
 When you think of investments and returns Call Mark 10
 If you are depressed Call Psalm 27
 If your pocketbook is empty Call Psalm 37
 If you are losing confidence in people Call I Corinthians 13
 If people seem unkind Call John 15
 If discouraged about your work Call Psalm 126
 If self pride/greatness takes hold Call Psalm 19
 If you want to be fruitful Call John 15
 For understanding of Christianity Call II Corinthians 5:15-19
 For a great invention/opportunity Call Isaiah 55
 For how to get along with fellow men Call Romans 12
 For Paul's secret to happiness Call Colossians 3:12-17

ALTERNATE NUMBERS:
 For dealing with fear Call Psalm 34:7
 For security Call Psalm 121:3
 For assurance Call Mark 8:35
 For reassurance Call Psalm 145:18

PLEASE NOTE:

Emergency numbers may be dialed direct. No operator assistance is necessary. All lines to Heaven are open 24 hours a day! Feed your FAITH, and DOUBT will starve to death!

BrotherMan · 05-10-2003, 11:35 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by WWSD
No operator assistance is necessary. All lines to Heaven are open 24 hours a day!

I can hear it now:

Quote:

Thank you for calling Heaven's Support Line.

If you'd like to assert an intercessory prayer, please press 1, now.

If you'd like to make a humble request, please press 2, now.

If you'd like to offer adulatory praise to the Creator, please press 3, now.

Lel · 05-11-2003, 09:21 AM

And of course, no matter what button you pushed on Heaven's support line, you would be put on hold forever.

BigBadShrubbery · 05-12-2003, 09:28 AM

"Jesus won't cut you off before you're through
With him you won't never get a crossed line,
And when your bill comes it'll all be properly itemised
He's the telephone repairman on the switchboard of my life.

The phone line to the saviour's always free of interference
He's in at any hour, day or night
And when you call J-E-S-U-S you always call toll-free
He's the telephone repairman on the switchboard of my life."

-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

lpetrich · 05-13-2003, 01:21 PM

The shape of the Earth: call Matthew 4
The motions of the planets: call Joshua 10
Genetic engineering: call Genesis 30
Taxonomy: call Leviticus 11

I'm sure that one can find out more in the Biblical Errancy section of this site.

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05-11-2003, 09:21 AM	#3
Lel Veteran Member Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Phx area Posts: 3,122	And of course, no matter what button you pushed on Heaven's support line, you would be put on hold forever.

05-12-2003, 09:28 AM	#4
BigBadShrubbery Regular Member Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Finland Posts: 129	"Jesus won't cut you off before you're through With him you won't never get a crossed line, And when your bill comes it'll all be properly itemised He's the telephone repairman on the switchboard of my life. The phone line to the saviour's always free of interference He's in at any hour, day or night And when you call J-E-S-U-S you always call toll-free He's the telephone repairman on the switchboard of my life." -- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

05-13-2003, 01:21 PM	#5
lpetrich Contributor Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Lebanon, OR, USA Posts: 16,829	The shape of the Earth: call Matthew 4 The motions of the planets: call Joshua 10 Genetic engineering: call Genesis 30 Taxonomy: call Leviticus 11 I'm sure that one can find out more in the Biblical Errancy section of this site.

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