excreationist

Sometimes you've just got to learn to take a hint. Some girls won't reject you even if you beg them, but on the other hand they make up excuses if you want to meet with them. This has happened with me with at least 3 girls. Perhaps she is scared of confronting you so directly.

AtlanticCitySlave

(1) The girl doesn't like you.

(2) No girl (or guy) is ever "not ready" for some type of a relationship (even after a breakup). Do you think this girl would turn down Brad Pitt, Justin Timberlake, or someone else all the girls love? Probably not. What she means is she's just not ready to date you.

(3) If (1) and (2) seem mean, they are not. If anything, they are, in my opinion, helping you, since it will in the long run maybe help you, whcih leads to (4).

(4) Stop calling so much and stop acting like you just want to nail her, or even that you want to nail her at all. Girls really hate that, especially when they have already turned you down (which she has). It only makes you look like a desperate loser. It's sweet to call or invite a girl over when she likes you, otherwise it's viewed as pathetic.

(5) If you really like her (which you obviously seem to), it's best, I think, to just keep in touch with her, maybe ask her to go to a movie, maybe grab some lunch (lunch isn't as much "date" as dinner), or something like that.

(6) The underlying thing to accept is that she's not interested in you NOW. That could change with time. It's best not to blow it by acting like a nutty. After all, you could always find someone else to date and maybe down the road you'll end up dating.

(7) If you're hooking up (or trying to) with her flatmate, then don't be surprised if she never wants you.

[ December 24, 2002: Message edited by: AtlanticCitySlave ]</p>

Benjamin Franklin

Just to clarify. She did agree to meet up with me on Friday for lunch and she promised me that we would sort out how we would catch Lord of the Rings preview over lunch. I was the one who cancelled the lunch and tried to change it to another date.

BF

Benjamin Franklin

Forget I ever asked. It is a dumb question.

BF

brighid

It is not impolite of her not to answer a phone while engrossed in work or otherwise. Furthermore, if you know she is very busy it could be argued that you are being impolite for calling her when you know she is very busy.

Sometimes I am so busy at work that I simply cannot take a call unless it is an emergency, even if my husband is calling.

Personally, I absolutely HATE when people call me over and over and over again! The more they call the more I am unwilling to talk to them. I think leaving a message or two over a week is acceptable. Sometimes I get so busy I forget that so and so called, or I don�t even realize a week has gone by until I look at the calendar and wonder where all the time went. So a friendly reminder is welcomed.

Three times in a day � is ENTIRELY too much. 6-7 times is even worse. Three times in a week might even be pushing it.

The polite thing to do is to leave a message and allow the other person to return your call at their leisure. If after a few days said person has not returned your call it is acceptable to leave another message. Then you wait. If for some reason they don�t call you back, and unless it�s some sort of emergency (not just a desire to tell said person about a trip) you simply wait until they call you back. If they never do � well you know where you stand. It might be maddening to wait for that return call but you just have to learn to control the impulse to call. Your actions indicate a bit of an obsession in Western eyes and I would be wickedly pissed if I were in here shoes.

Continuing to call her, after her failure to return your calls is something of a pressure tactic. You may not intend to be doing so, but you are failing to respect her choices, her schedule, or the boundaries she has already set.

Also, asking a western woman to spend the weekend at your place has many sexual implications to it especially given her previous discomfort being alone with you. She clearly ONLY wants to be your friend. She is trying to be subtle and nice, most likely in an attempt to spare your feelings. I am afraid I wouldn�t have been so kind of ladylike, friend or no.

These things can�t be forced. Pursuing someone who does not want to be pursued will only backfire. You must let her come to you if she so desires. Believe me � a woman who wants to be with you won�t be thwarted by a busy schedule, distance or anything else. She will call at the stroke of midnight if that is her only free moment. She doesn�t want a romantic involvement with you.

Brighid

Benjamin Franklin

Hi Brighid

In my opening post, I have already acknowledged that I know that I called her a bit too often. In fact two days after I arrived I did send her a text message apologizing for calling her too often. As for the 6-7 times, I have already said it was because I am not sure whether she is not getting the phone calls at all (from previous experience, mobile phones does not work very well in her area and I had to call her that many times before she managed to get the phone call) or whether she does not want to answer at all.

I also have acknowledged in my opening post that I know she is not interested in me.

I would also add that I am usually more patient in going after a girl. The last time I went after a girl, I called her about 3 times in 3 months and still ended up being labelled a pest. After than I became even more careful in going after a girl. It is just this occassion, I was not thinking straight, I was tired after a long flight (almost 20 hours and I cannot really sleep on air flights) and worried about where I was going to stay in London and an upcoming job interview and I just wanted to talk to someone. I am not claiming that absolves me of any responsibility of the way I acted, it just makes it more understandable.

And just wish to clarify things a bit more. I did not just go to England on a trip. I graduated from England in Sept. Went back to Singapore (my home country) for a short break and then came back to England to look for a job. So it was not my intention to tell her about my trip to England.



BF

phlebas

Actually, what you said was:

There is this girl I am interested in but she has made it clear that she is not in mood for a romantic relationship right now because she has just broken up with her boyfriend and she has always seen me as a friend. When I asked her about the long term, she said she does not know as she does not really know me that well yet.

What you're acknowledging is that you think she might have left the door open a little bit.

I think everyone else has pointed out that she's since slammed the door shut indefinitely.

It looks like you have two choices:

1) leave her alone
2) email her an apology and an explanation, then leave her alone

At some point, she might reinstate some contact, but I think the chances are likely not good, and you are wasting your time to wait for it. If she does, great. If not, there's not much you can do about it without coming off like a stalker.

Chalk it up as a big ol' learning experience and move on.

Benjamin Franklin

The fact that I was going after her flatmate means that I already knew that my chances are not really realistic.

I have already emailed her an apology and have left her alone.
Had not contacted her for about two weeks. I am not waiting for her to initiated contact. I have already moved on.

BF

phlebas

My mistake. Didn't look at the opening date of this thread. Thought all this was more recent.

I think you did the right thing. Good luck with your next victim

Benjamin Franklin

Hard to say. I did something much worse to a girl once and she did emailed a month later to apolgize for the way things blew up between us.

BF