Pensee

My mom is not very religious. I can't tell you the last time she's been to church or if she even has a Bible in her house. She's also a lesbian, so she's definitely no fundy. But she does make numerous religious references, i.e. "Thank God for...," "Pray for...," etc. I haven't told her I'm an atheist yet. For a while, I wasn't ready. Every time she would make a religious reference like that, I would change the subject. But I finally realized that I was "ready" to tell her, but I didn't want to shove it down her throat. I made it up in my mind that the next time she would make such a reference, like asking me to pray for something, I would fully come out of the nontheist closet.

Today she called me with bad news. I could tell something was wrong the minute she spoke. She told me that her best friend of 28 years passed away this morning. I could hear the tears in her voice. She kept saying things like, "The earth has lost someone special, but heaven's gained someone special" and "At least she's in a better place." I just tried to comfort her. She then told me to not let her be put on life support. Then we started talking about our own wishes for our deaths & funerals--separate from her friend's death. I told her I wanted my organs donated and that I was registered. I said, "They're just going to decompose, so why not help someone live?" She then said, "That's right. When you get up there to be with Him, He'll give you a whole new body, huh?" (She wanted me to affirm that statement.) I didn't want to upset her, but I could not agree, even under these circumstances. I just hesitated, sighed, and said, "Whatever you say" (because I didn't want to argue with her or tell her that I do not believe in life after death, since that belief may comfort her through the grieving process--I wasn't trying to be patronizing; I didn't know what else to say.) She then said, "That's what the Bible says!!!" I just said, "okay" and dropped it. She is correct in that the Bible does say that and I didn't want to upset her any further.

If she would have said the exact same thing to me under any other conditions, I would have told her exactly how I feel about the issue. I would have said the words, "I AM AN ATHEIST!" No doubt in my mind. I had the courage and actually had to practice self-discipline to hold my tongue during this conversation. But now, I feel that maybe I shouldn't have said even what I did say. I hope I didn't upset her more. But I couldn't lie. On the other side of the coin, I feel that I should have completely come out of the closet here. I don't know. I know this isn't the time, but I can't continue to stay quiet in such circumstances. It's awkward. I do feel badly about what I did say, because I may have upset her. At least now she knows beyond a doubt that I don't believe just as I was taught and am straying from mainstream Xianity thought.

How do you think I should have responded? What should I have done differently? If she asks me anything about my comments in connection to her friend's death, how should I answer her?

Just Another Infidel

Pensee,

I agree with the way you handled it. When she's in distress, is no time to hold a philosophical conversation.

I've seen other "not outwardly religious" people fall back on the heaven/afterlife thing after the death of someone they care about.

Your "coming out" can wait for a better time.

My $.02,

JAI

BrotherMan

Yeah, what JAI said.

You're going to be an atheist for a while, there's no hurry in telling anyone - especially in emotionally charged situations.

Puck

I think you handled the situation very well.

Doubting yourself isn't going to alter what's now in the past. You showed compassion and respect. I agree with the others that there will be time for expression of your feelings later on.

southernhybrid

I agree that you handled the situation with consideration for your mother's feelings and needs. That was the right thing to do for someone you love.