beth

As a Christian, I had a very active social life. I had many friends from church and everydaylife. I went to a women's group every Wednsday morning. Got together with the ladies from church and did Tai Chi. I was respected and almost everyone looked up to me. People from all over called for advice and prayer and my family looked up to me. My marriage was finally getting better and we were in love and very happy, having passed all the previous obsticles from previous years and our faith in God bonded us.

Since my atheism, I have become isolated. I no longer have the support structure of my friends because we no longer stand on common ground, I no longer have a social group to attend, I have lost the respect of almost everyone(including people who are not Christians, and well, new marriage problems have arisen. My family has made me a joke, and I am now the black sheep, I have even surpassed the one crack head that we have in our family; my mother hasn't even called me to wish me a happy birthday, my birthday was a week ago. I was also asked to not be a cheerleading coach. All this was because I was honest about the fact that I am no longer a Christian and have atheistic beliefs. This has got to be the most traumatic cycle that I have experienced in my life.

I want my life back. I want to be liked again and have friends to call. I miss others calling me for advice. I miss my family looking up to me and respecting me. I wanna sing again, I used to sing in church and people would cry because they said I sang like an angel. I miss the feeling I felt in my soul when I sang in worship with all of my heart. I want unity in my home again. I said my vows many years ago, meaning them. I grew up without a dad, having step-fathers to raise me. Only now do I have a close bond with one of them, I do not want that for my kids. I do not want to risk a pedophile to come into my life to abuse my kids, they are safe with mommy and daddy.

My sister in law might be dying and doesn't know I don't believe. She is looking to me for prayer and support. My mother-in-law is looking to me as she sees her daughter struggle in her fight to get better. My mother-in-law has an auto-immune disease and she fears that is is coming out of remission, she looks to me for hope and inspiration. She looks to me for comfort as she sees her father struggling with cancer. I am ready to say the hell with it.

Honesty has only brought me pain and disharmony. It has nearly ended a twelve year marriage. It has nearly driven me mad with the guilt of knowing how it has divided my family and with the loneliness of my isolation. I think I may lie. I think I will go back to my former life. At least Christianity filled my life with something. It allowed for me to have some sort of support structure. It gave my husband a peace knowing that his wife was praying and it made my family proud that they had such a righteous woman in the family. Christianity gave me a voice to soar with in song.

So, I honestly do not know that living in truth is as good as living a lie. Perhaps if I pretend long enough, I will be able to convince myself to believe again.

Enlighten Me

Beth---I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, but I don't see how you could "pretend" to be a Christian, even though you feel you would recover some of the benefits you have lost. Can't you find a secular outlet for your singing?
...a community T'ai Chi exercise class?....a women's club or political organization that offers social events?

Do you really want to rejoin an organization that shuns, diminishes, and disrespects people based on the conclusions they reach after honest inquiry and reflection? ...an organization that discourages independent thought?

Hey, I understand where you're coming from (I miss those potluck dinners), but can't you find a different way to combat the sense of loss that you are experiencing?

lpetrich

You may want to check out the Unitarian Universalist Association -- it's the sort of church that's likely to accept you.

emotional

Are you absolutely certain you can do this? It's not as easy as it sounds. Especially if you've been reading infidel material over the last period.

Also, are you sure you want to go back to believing the majority of humanity is condemned to eternal torture? Can you live peacefully with that thought in mind? For all I found attractive in Christianity ("triumph over death with Jesus", yay!), there is no way I could accept a religion that sets such a sad ending for most of mankind.

Do what you feel is right, but it's difficult to turn the clock back, and you've been exposed to the fact that non-Christians can be nice people. You may find yourself singing in church and then dawning upon you, "but I don't really believe this!". You may find yourself looking at your former atheist friend Jones and thinking, "well, I like him, but without Jesus, he's going to burn in hell for all eternity". From my point of view, I wouldn't be happy at all.

Enlighten Me

P.S. Beth---Consider volunteerism as a means of overcoming the stigma associated with being an "outed" atheist. Also, you CAN offer hope and comfort to the sick and dying. I'll bet a book on hospice care would educate you about how to do just that without revealing your own beliefs.

Rusting Car Bumper

beth,

I sympathize with you greatly.

Your situation strikes at the heart of all of our problems. You've jsut expressed a microcosm of our problems.

Your situation is exactly why non-believers need to get together to form social organizations and worry so much less about critisizing others religious beliefs and wether "In God We Trust" is on our money.

It is why groups like the FFRF and American Atheists only scratch the surface of the needs of non-believers.

Its why groups like The Church of Freethought were formed and at least try to take up this slack.

Your situation is exactly why movements like the "Brights" is misguided.

Until non-belief groups offer solutions to your situation then we haven't worked hard enough and we aren't solving our real problems.

DC

girlwriter

Beth,

I'm very sorry, it sounds like you are struggling tremendously. I agree with the advice that others have offered to get involved with some secullar outlets for your talents, energies and social urges.

Also, reading your post, I am left with this question: Have *you* really changed? It sounds to me that you have changed your beliefs, but you are the same person you always were. The nature of your relationships hasn't changed, it has merely been revealed. It seems to me that your only options are to forge ahead and hope that others in your life can eventually accept you for who you are, not what you believe, or you can base your relationships on lies. You're proposing giving in to emotional blackmail. They want you to believe what they believe, and are willing to shun and judge you for following your own instincts. It sounds like these relationships were rewarding while you believed, but how rewarding is a relationship with a person who witholds affection based on your honesty?

You did not mess eveything up by being honest about your lack of belief. Responsability for the success of a relationship goes two ways. Your family/husband/freinds must realize this and meet you in the middle if these relationships are to be anything other than disfunctional, no matter what you do.

I wish you luck, I know this must be extremely difficult for you.

cliff999

Be happy. If you were happier as a Christian, go back to that life, if possible. Then again, you could make things worse by returning but failing to embrace the belief system. That would leave you with nothing. Not an easy choice.

ex-preacher

Hang in there, Beth! I went through a very similar transition and things did get better. I sometimes miss my "Christian life" but I don't see how I could make myself believe something which I don't really believe. You can't make yourself believe in Santa Claus again, can you?

I'm reminded of the quote by GB Shaw "The fact that a believer is happier than an unbeliever is no more to the point than the fact that a drunk man is happier than a sober one."

I also recommend checking out the UU Church, though it will not completely replace what you have lost.

Postcard73

Beth,
I'm sorry things are so tough right now. Like some other people said, I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you that I had a very similar experience. I grew up Presbyterian, but it never really took. While I was in college, I became involved with the Southern Baptists, and for the next several years, I was a dynamo of xian energy. I went to church every Wednesday, Sunday morning, and Sunday night. I also attended Sunday school every week. I was heavily involved with the youth group and was the group coordinator during the summer before my senior year. I participated in three different mission trips and even spent time handing out tracts and witnessing to people in Roanoke. Needless to say, I was highly respected and well-known within the church. It had over six-thousand members, so I always had something to do and someone to do it with...

With that in mind, I will tell you that I only have two friends in Roanoke now, and I've been deconverted for several years. Those two friends are married to each other, and it isn't unusual for me to spend a Friday or Saturday night at home alone. Nonetheless, I do not question my decision to escape the church. The people I knew there were fine when I approached them as another xian, but they usually strike me as some combination of stupid, ignorant, self-righteous, and/or naive when I see them now. While I may get lonely, I know that for me, being around a bunch of people I don't respect would be much worse.

Here's a few things to consider:

First, if your husband loves you, then he will support you. I cannot deny that I'm divorced, and my dying faith played an important role in the end of my marriage. However, in the end, it was my super-xian wife having an affair with one of my best friends that destroyed the marriage. All my growing atheism really did was give her a means to try to justify her adultery. If atheism is truly driving a wedge into your marriage, then you should at least consider the possibility that it is a convenient excuse that is obscuring more important issues...

Second, is it more important to you that your family view you as righteous, or that you actually live the way you feel is right? I might have been able to save my marriage by simply lying and going back to church. For a couple months after my wife left, I wished I had lied, but now I am SOOOOOO glad I didn't. The simple fact is that I absolutely hate hypocrisy. I am happier isolated and true to myself than I ever could have been by patronizing the people around me. Some people may have a problem with the new you, but you have to realize that it is their problem, not yours...

Lastly, are you sure the people in your church would TRULY take you back? Once my marriage was dead, I tried church a few more times. My faith was nearly gone, but I wouldn't permit myself to give up. What I discovered was that my impending divorce, combined with all the gossip that had come with it, had effectively made me an outcast. I was tainted. Church people want everybody to recognize them as being righteous, but very often they are really much more self-righteous. I was no longer good enough to be around them. This wasn't to say that they didn't talk to me. It's just that any warmth I might have once felt was gone. I discovered that these people were great friends as long as my life was perfect and the sun was shining. I have no desire to be around people like that. I doubt seriously that being shunned by your former friends would help your situation, so you need to consider this carefully...

Sorry this is so long. I hope it helps...