Enlighten Me

While discussing the practice of "hugging" within an extended family, my friend said that her parents never say the words "I love you" to her, though she is absolutely convinced that they do. They do, however, write the words in cards and letters. Since her father is a retired military man, I wonder if there is a connection. I also wonder if the military families are the ones who are not big huggers. (See my thread "Aversion to Hugging?) Also, do your family members say "I love you" to each other? If not, do you wish they did? Why do you think they don't?

Captain Howdy

they do, but i never reply. Actions speak louder than words. I hate them. There is a long story behind this....but screw it, i don't feel like telling. Just that i hate them. (except possibly my father)

Malcolm

Thanks for the thread, Enlightened Lady.

I don't ever recall my parents telling me that they loved me while I was a child - hugging and kissing was virtually unheard of as well. My father was a Baptist Minister - was that a reason? I remember being astounded when hugging became more common in the church during my adolescence, watching my father join in. My parents are now mid-70s and are keen to hug me now. They tell me that they love me too, and I am delighted with their softened approach - but how I wish they had done that when I was small.

I think that the aversion to hugging in the family became a habit to me as well and I carried that forward into my marriage. I think that my lack of physical affection for my wife was one of the major reasons why our marriage broke down after 23 years. I can also see where I have been less "huggy" with my children than I should have been. I too am trying to make up for it now, (they are now all teenagers) but once a habit is ingrained, it is difficult to change. I'm making an effort to tell them that I love them, and to touch and hug them more now than I have before. But how I wish I had started 20 years ago...

Malcolm

Loren Pechtel

Rarely. I'm much more likely to say it in Chinese. It would be an unusual day for me not to say it in some language, though.

pescifish

I don't know about the military thing. I work for a contractor to air force and have worked closely with many military. I find by the time someone has made his way to colonel+ status, his social skills are finely honed. I've worked for ex-colonel and ex-AF colonel-astronaut both of whom were very warm and open hugging in appropriate social situations. One of my team members is ex-navy seal and he is a very warm and huggable guy. We've all overheard him say "I love you" to (presumably!) his wife on the phone several times a week. Of course, none of them ever said "I love you" to me, but I can attest that military does not equate to 'cold and distant'.

My brother, sister and I share those words often, but not on a regular/routine basis. Our parents were not particularly demonstrative when we were kids but I think we wore them down in their later years and hugs were routine and verbal expression was often. I express my love in writing to my friends and verbally with those I know will be comfortable with it.

I have one friend who I know is not comfortable with these sorts of demonstrations, in spite of very deep mutual feelings. I let him make any moves in this regard and every once in awhile he surprises me with a hug or an expression of love.

Pensee

Hubby & I can't speak to each other without the words coming out.

Every time we end a phone conversation, my mom and I say it. Or anytime I'm leaving her house or she's leaving mine, we say it.

I'm staying with my dad for the next month. He occasionally says it, and it makes me uncomfortable. I don't know why. I guess childhood memories. It's hard--really hard--for me to reply, even though he has truly, truly changed his ways. It's hard for me to pick out cards for his birthday, because most are too sentimental. I hate it that it's that way, but it is. I don't know how to change it. It's totally my fault. He doesn't deserve these negative feelings. One of these days I'm certain I'll end up in therapy over this issue.

GypsyLife

My parents, siblings, aunts and uncles etc have always been very open with the "I love yous", but come to think of it.. I have no memory of ever hearing it from my grandfather, to anyone. He was retired from the Air Force...

Iiiiiinteresting.....

Straight Hate

My family is very interesting.

My mother comes from a very close-knit and smothering family, while my dad (the second oldest) had to take care of 9 little brothers and sisters because his father was always away working and his mother simply wasn't fit to (or didn't want to).

Let's just say it's an interesting dynamic.

Me, I fall in the middle of the road. I have no issue with saying "I love you" to my parents, but I never do. A simple hug is enough, and they both know it. I tend to regard loving emotions on a practical, objective level (the only reason I 'love' them being I grew familiar with them).

Viti

My parents and I always say it before leaving each others presence or ending a phone conversation...we are also very huggy and I even hold hands with my mom or dad sometimes when we see each other (I held my dad's hand as we walked the riverwalk in New Orleans and looked at the ships...its a special memory to me). My brother and I do not say it unless it's in a silly way like he'll say "I love my seeester" but never "I love you"....he says it to his daughter though which is all that matters.

Hubby and I say it many times throughout the day....and his mother and sisters are affectinate. His dad NEVER said I love you or hugged him though until after a major health crisis he was lucky to survive...hubby was at his hospital bedside non-stop for 2 weeks. Now he hugs a lot.

MrFrosty

Hello, everyone. I am the Guy Who Doesn't Hug from the other thread.

I don't think any relative has ever said the words "I love you" to me. One parent might have said something along the lines of "it's because we love you" ONCE or TWICE during my school days but that would be the extent of it in this lifetime. I can't really remember.

Ppl do regard me as being incredibly emotionally unavailable and distant almost to the point of sociopathy. I wear a perpetual frown on my face and acquaintances have described me as "intense" and "serious". As recent as a few yrs ago, I despised ppl who smiled all the time because it seemed dishonest and shallow. I would never dream of letting ppl like that into my inner circle of friends.

In any event, I think that if my family had said (and kept saying) the three words, the message would soon lose meaning in the same way that saying "sorry" all the time would. I don't need to hear ppl's affection toward me; such things are not important. I would easily prefer to be this way instead of being an individual who constantly craves the affection of others to stroke their ego and boost their self-esteem; ppl like that are pathetic IMO.