Totalitarianist

Everyone wants me to die. I will tell you why, firstly, by asking questions. Who wants masochists to remain alive? Few people. Who wants homosexuals to remain alive? A minority of the people on earth, whether they admit it or not; moreover, it took me a while to realise this, and even longer to admit it, but I am attracted by boys usually about five years younger than myself. Another thing -- and I am ashamed most of all by this -- is the fact that I derive a certain degree of sexual pleasure by seeing people getting kicked around. I first noticed this when I was watching CBC (Canadian news). Combat in war made me excited, but when the Midle Easterners were lined up, kicked around, and shot...I am really ashamed of my feelings regarding that. If you therefore combine sadism, masochism, pedophilia, homosexuality, you will see that almost everyone wants me shot.

And this, I think, is the reason that I have considered suicide. Other reasons exist, of course -- some more significant. Lately I have been ashamed of my face. I confine myself to me room so that as few people as possible can see me. When I go out of my room, I keep all the lights off, so that I cannot see my reflection. I am only saying this because I feel obliged to make my secrets known, but I am considering plastic surgery.

As for masochism, I was beaten a lot when I was 5 and 6, and 12 till the present. Usually now, though, I mostly get pushed around, but not as much as I used to. This is all I can think about, usually in a depressed state, and consequently I confuse such feelings with my sexual feelings. That is my theory, anyway.

Also, being an admirer of Stalin, even more people want me to die. In addition to that, I am irreligious. Even more people want me dead because of that. I believe morality is imaginary; hence more people want me dead. Combine all these, and yet more, and you will see that everyone on this filthy, worthless globe wants me to die.

Since I am a bookish "loner" who mostly keeps to himself, even my parents do not want me. In fact, they have threatened to send me to a "group home", whatever that is. They show no affection to me.

My mom even said that she wanted people with one of my conditions "shot". Of course, I keep such things secret. I pretended to agree with her. But my mom wants me shot.

Nature has created me to suffer. The purpose of my brain is to measure the degree of pain inflicted upon me.

godlessmath

Invictus

William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Sakpo

Well, if it means anything to you I don't want you dead.

Ignoring the nonsensical superstituos/reglious aspects of it, have you ever examined Buddhism and it's tenet that all suffering is derived from desire? In large part I think there's something to that idea.

Examine the sources of your suffering (abnormal* sexual desires, desire to look different, desire to be be accepted, desire to be loved, desire for Stalinism, desire to not feel pain, etc). Maybe examing Buddhism and any techniques it has to weaken desire might help you out. I'm not a Buddhist so I'm not proselytizing, it's just a thought. I wish I could offer something better.


*I mean that without the negative connotations it has.

Viti

I don't want you dead...I would very much like you to stay alive as I think you are very intelligent.

I would, however, like to see you get professional help for your depression and emotional problems.

lunachick

I don't want you dead, either. I have been rather worried about you for a wee while, though. As others have said - please get some professional help.

sweep

It's alright, some people want me to be dead too.

I don't think you should dwell too much on those things, particularly your guilt at being you. It isn't your fault. You aren't wrong. You are the victim, so why punish yourself?

It isn't so much about what others think of you, but what you think of them. If you can find a mutual outlet for your fantasy world, it might help to alleviate your frustration. The main thing is you're still free to solve your problems. Who doesn't have problems?

there are lots of other people out there who would be your mum and dad.

The hard part is finding those people who can share life with you. And there will be others. Loneliness is a tough one to beat so, I hope you can find someone to share life with.

don't give up. fight and win. You can!

Hayden

I don't. People here may give you shit sometimes, but that doesn't mean they want you dead.

Ditto. Or at least talk to someone you can trust IRL.

HR

repoman

Ouch, sounds not so good for you right now, but i think it can be much better in hte not so distant future.


I need to ask you a very important question. Are you really taking care of your health? do you sleep well, eat good food (especially get lots OMega-3 fatty acids), do you work out (cardio and weights)? Do you listen to pleasant music, take hot baths, do you get lots of sunlight, do you walk in natural areas?

If not, you need to start to building up your body's reserves and suck up the positive pleasures that you can get without hurting yourself. There really are lot's of fun things to do out in the big world.

I also have noticed that the times is was isolated I have become somewhat morbid, and I in fact fed it with mopey music, increasingly degrading porn, death pics like rotten.com and supercynical humor. But, I have a social job, so I can snap back somewhat. I don't know your situation, but I recommend getting trying to get on a cynicism detox. BUT, don't let yourself think you can do it easily or consistently. The MOST dangerous time for depressive people is right after they have let themsleves getting pumped up too positively, and then get depressed like before.

And unless you've tried to actually be an active pedophile, I wouldn't let that be the big secret in your head that you ARE USING to keep you further away from people. The better your life gets the less you'll be attracted to them. It looks like you are using all of the category distinctions you belong to be a reason why people won't like you, and you are that age when people go hardcore into that trip. But, I think when you do make it through this rough patch, you'll really be able to share it and your compassion with others.

If I've steered him wrong please get on my ass right away, I would hate to be giving terrible advice in this crucial situation.

excreationist

Totalitarianist:
So maybe lots of people don't care about you and want shot. Well people don't have to care if they don't want to, and they aren't allowed to shoot you - unless it is within the law to do so.
The world isn't perfect and neither are you - big deal. Many people have been physically abused - and many of the world's population is on the brink of starvation - and they starve to death sometimes.
You seem to be complaining about your life. Why don't you do something about it? You could see a counsellor or your family doctor to talk to them about it.
Maybe part of the reason your mother apparently doesn't show you much affection is because you mightn't show much in return... or maybe she isn't good at expressing her emotions. Your parents have spent a lot of money to look after you so they care about you to some degree.
If you don't like getting beaten up at home, why don't you talk to the authorities? Maybe you could live in a foster home or something. That way you could avoid the problem of being beaten. Or maybe you like whining about how bad your life is.
It isn't really that illegal to have sex with boys that are only 5 years younger than you. Or if it is, you could wait until you're in your 20's then only go after those past the age of consent. It definitely isn't a crime to be attracted to boys that are about five years younger than yourself (assuming you don't act on your impulses) - so there's no need to feel guilty or keep on assuming that people hate you because of it.
You can't please everyone. You might be hated by many people because you're (probably) white and fairly well-off yet whine all the time rather than being happy with what you've got.
For everyone in the world there would be many who hates that person. And not everyone hates you. I don't hate you. I might think you're misguided though.

Oxymoron

Totalitarianist: Pain is not "out there", being inflicted upon you. It is generated within you and is in so small sense due to the beliefs you have about yourself, the world, and the relationship between the two.

That's really good news, because if you're creating it, then it's also within your power to stop it. Which is glib, I know, but it is a starting place - to get through it will involve some leg-work on your behalf. You need to examine your own self-image, and the rules that you use to generate it. Let's start with the topic line:

"Everyone wants me dead"

Is that really true? Does EVERYONE want you dead? There are counter-examples here, on this very page. So it's really a lie that you tell yourself. Let's amend it to omit the lie:

"Some people want me dead"

Is that really true? Would other individuals REALLY pull the trigger on you even if they said they might? Could you - or they - really know? I would suggest not. Let's amend again to omit the speculation:

"Some people dislike me"

Is that really true? Well, possibly. It's pretty hard to go through life without pissing someone off, and that's true for all of us. But there's a whole world of difference in terms of pain level between

"Everyone wants me dead" &
"Some people dislike me"

Brains and minds are absolutely great at generalising and pigeon-holing, but that process can easily lead to lies, speculations and consequently erroneous beliefs. If you want to stop hurting a lot, start then by examining your current beliefs - and also the new ones that you create daily - and see if your mind might just be lying to you.

Re-reading the OP, you will feel better if you judge yourself less harshly. When others judge us, our brains infer rules about how to act and not to act:

People who do X are Y
People who don't do A are B

Judgement on oneself and others is affected by our minds trawling a f**koff big list of such statements. But here's the rub: they are utterly arbitrary, and just as prone to being based on lies and exaggerations as any other belief. Exploration of the "internal ruleset" as I call it is difficult because the list of these things is huge. When some event happens that makes you feel particularly shit is a good time because only a relatively few rules are involved.

You will find, if you dig deep enough, that there are some rules and beliefs that appear in the majority of situations. Things like "I'm useless", "I'm a bad person". Fundamentally, these implicit beliefs are the root of your pain; in all likelihood, they are lies, distortions, or exaggerations. Your job is to find them, and expose them for what they are.

I could write screeds more, but I suspect you're either sceptical, bored, or overwhelmed (see, I'm doing it myself now, putting thoughts in your head which I have no information about). A good counsellor can help you with this sort of thing, and if you are feeling like suicide, then you have nothing to lose by speaking to someone who might ask the sort of questions you need to answer.